Tag: understanding (Page 1 of 2)

Words Matter. Maybe More than Ever

January 12, 2021 /

Last week we sat, super-glued to our televisions, not wanting to watch the destructive images as the Capitol was breached and our democracy threatened, but also not able to turn away.

There are so many shocking pictures and video footage to absorb and react to. Experiences can shape and transform us, but not without thoughtful reflection and prayer.

One of the things that we were reminded of is the power of rhetoric to incite violence like we witnessed. It got me thinking more than ever about the responsibility we have as Jesus-followers to steward our words well.

One of my life verses is “Where words are many, sin is not absent.” (Proverbs 10:19).

I talk a lot. I get excited. I speak before I think. I often need to ask forgiveness. So this has been an opportunity for me to recommit to doing better.

1. I want to seek God’s Word before I speak my words.

I need to say less and pray more. For me this means setting my phone alarm for “sacred pauses” throughout the day. I stop everything, pay attention to my breathing, silently recite names for God (Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father, Mighty God, Prince of Peace), and ask for eyes and ears attuned to Him. What are the ways I can speak light and life into situations of darkness and death?

2. I want to speak from a posture of humility,

asking more questions, seeking to understand (not condone, but understand and pray for repentance, healing and a turning to the Lord).

I also need to search my own heart for blind spots and the evil that hides there.I’m reminded of the question asked of G.K. Chesterton by the London Times, “What’s wrong with the world today?” He said simply, “I am.” May we never lose sight of the fact that we are all broken people in need of a Savior.

“…all of us should be on our faces today begging God to help us see whatever it is in our own leadership that is dangerous or destructive. We need to beseech God to help us see what we can not see.”

RUTH HAYLEY BARTON

3. But, I also want to speak the truth even if it is costly.

I may be guilty of many “sins of commission” – saying something that isn’t kind, helpful, or necessary – but I also need to guard against “sins of omission”. Are there times I am not bold enough in calling out injustice?

Leaders have the power to speak words that inspire good or incite evil. Sadly, we have seen our president and others complicit in inciting violence this week. My heart aches for my brothers and sisters of color who rightly ask, “If it had been BLM protestors charging the Capitol, what would the consequences have been?

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

micah 6:8

4. Lastly (and this may be the hardest one) I’m called to use my words to bless and not curse.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.”

matthew 5:43

These are tense, emotional days when we tend to be easily offended. May we not make an idol of our nation, our leaders, or our own opinions.

The verses I keep returning to are these:

My soul, wait in silence for God alone, For my hope is from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, My refuge; I will not be shaken.

psalm 62:5-6

How is your spirit in all this?

Two Important Questions to Ask of People Different From Us

January 6, 2020 /

Some things are just tough.

Like figuring out why people are fascinated with the Kardashians, or how to fold fitted sheets, or what makes some people able to eat a kabillion Trader Joe’s dark chocolate covered almonds with sea salt and not gain a pound.

Or, you know…how to achieve peace between all the people in all the places.

When it comes to the Middle East I keep wanting to say, “Lord I’m a bear of Very Little Brain” like Winnie the Pooh.

I have a long way to go, but God is patient and often a theme gradually emerges.

The truest thing I’m learning about peace is that keeping people at a distance makes it easy to demonize them.

But coming close topples the walls of misunderstanding.

This morning God reinforced this as I re-read the story of when God comes close to Hagar.

Sarah, wife of Abraham, mistreated Hagar, the surrogate “wife” who runs away into the desert, (Sounds like “Real Wives of the Middle East”, right?)

Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar each have a story.  Each are seen and loved by God. But they have trouble seeing and loving each other.

In the desert and in her pain, God meets Hagar and models something I’m thinking I can learn from (even with my little bear brain).

Even though Abraham and Sarah only call Hagar “servant”, God calls her by name.

He sees her!  (16:13)

And He asks her two questions:

Where have you come from?

and

Where are you going?

Traveling in the Middle East I’ve learned that everyone has a story of injustices that have happened in the past, and everyone is trying to hold on to their hopes for a future.

As we try to draw close and understand those who are different from us, whether it’s Israeli’s and Palestinians or Republicans and Democrats, gay and straight, I wonder if learning someone’s name, looking them in the eye and asking them questions like these is a place to start…

Who might you ask today:  Where have you come from?  Where do you want to go?

 

5 Responses When You’re Caught in the Middle of Conflict

August 19, 2019 /

Relationships. Ahhh they can be so complicated, right? If you’re like me, you need constant encouragement to keep working with the Lord on transformation in this area. So here’s another updated repost that I need to read to myself!

Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we’re still stuck between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world filled with pain and pride and power struggles.

We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, fighting, and falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.

John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends who are in the muck and mire of broken trust, accusations, and differing points of view. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded people who I trust are each doing their best to understand and respond with grace.

Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”

As we grieve each day, and exchange notes and calls of support for all involved, I ask over and over, “What do I know to do and not do? What is my role?”

Here’s what I believe God may be trying to teach me: 

  1. Pray, pray, and pray some more. I am praying fervently for each person involved. This is drawing me closer to God, the only One who knows all hearts and the only One who can bring truth, justice, and reconciliation. Only God can reveal, redeem, restore. I am praying more than ever given the fallout, longing for understanding and God’s intervention.

“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thes. 5;17

2. Choose your words carefully. What are we not to do? Gossip, judge, take sides… Our only job is to take responsibility for our actions and love everyone always. I need to ask myself:

  • Are my words and actions life-giving in this situation?
  • Am I asking questions instead of giving answers?
  • Am I speaking the truth in love?

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

3. Examine your heart. The verse that keeps coming to mind is “The heart is deceitful above all things.” My heart. Your heart. My friends’ hearts.

Lately my prayer has been “Lord show me MY blindspots. Show me if I have unaddressed sin. Show me if I have caused pain inadvertently and give me the courage to respond with humility and contrition.”

Who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Psalm 19:12

4. Pay attention and learn. Satan is crafty beyond belief. Never, in a million years could we have imagined the scenario our friends are in. We are not to live in fear of Satan, but as wise followers of Jesus who have an enemy determined to thwart His work in the world. We need to be aware and prepared. One of the things I’ve learned by observing my friends in such difficult circumstances is not to isolate myself from those who may ask hard questions to hold me accountable.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lionlooking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

5. Humble yourself. Each of us must come to the Lord and each other with a posture of total humility, and a desire to question for greater understanding, treating everyone with love and respect.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13

Friends, we are all such messes. We all have so much stuff that needs forgiveness. Where would we be without an Easter God who knows us and loves us still, sending Jesus to die for our sins?

Anyone else have experiences to share in this area of friendship? Check out Psalm 25 as a good prayer for these days.

5 Ways to Respond When Leaders Prove Human

April 3, 2018 /

Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we still live between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world still filled with pain and pride and power struggles. We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.

John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends and colleagues who are in the muck and mire of a very public ministry mess. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded leaders who I trust are each doing their best to respond as accusations are leveled and the media spins sensational headlines.

Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”

Continue reading

A Post For Young Leaders

December 27, 2017 /

The other night John and I got an email. You know…one of those emails. The ones that make your heart race and your stomach do flip-flops. An email criticizing something you’ve done or said.

In this case it was me being criticized, but they wanted John, as senior pastor to know.

As a first-born rule-follower, people-pleaser with WOO as one of my strengths, this is just the worst. And being in ministry for 35 years, it’s been my biggest area of growth.

When I was younger, my immediate response would be ALL THE FEELS – embarrassment, shame, righteous indignation, anger, and (as a J on the Meyers Briggs)….. IMMEDIATE ACTION!!

Is is darn hard living with people’s displeasure, whether we’ve made a mistake, or there has been a misunderstanding, or we just disagree. There is no way to make all the people happy all the time.

This is the hardest lesson I’ve learned as a leader: It’s not my job to please everyone, but it is my job to pray and pay attention in order to learn from everyone.

This is the challenge for each of us: To allow criticism to teach us more about God, ourself, and others. 

I’ve grown a tiny bit over the years (and I’ve gotten much more used to criticism), so after my brief emotional freak out over this recent email, I settled down, prayed, and went to sleep.

The next morning I prayed again.

  • I listed all the issues I thought the critique-r raised.
  • I listed all the questions I needed to talk to God about, including “What is true? What is from You? How do I please not the critic, but YOU?”
  • Then I went through Scripture typing out any pertinent passage that might inform my thinking about the issues raised.

  • I prayed some more.
  • I wrote a response to the offended person and asked if we could talk face-to-face, but I didn’t send it immediately. I let it sit and came back to it 5 hours later.

 One of our rules is “Never argue in email.” I stand by this because body language, tone, and nuance are so important, and so easy to misinterpret in email, but I also see the value in putting something in writing that others can take the time to read over and process.

  • Before I sent it, I asked myself:
    • “Does this fail of grace?”
    • “Is there pride, resentment, self-righteousness…that I need to confess and deal with before sending this?”

In this case, I was fortunate because the critic who had been offended is someone healthy and well-meaning.

But that’s not always the case. One of the hardest parts of dealing with criticism is letting go.

We do our part. We pray and search for the kernel of truth. We apologize when appropriate, but we can’t control the response of the other. 

As Jesus-followers we’re supposed to be all about redemption, forgiveness, and do-overs. We’ve discovered that many give lip-service to those values, but not all are willing to do the hard work of living them out in real-life relationships.

It takes two to come to understanding and reconciliation. It takes two to truly listen to each other with compassionate curiosity. So it’s deeply disappointing when you feel like you’re doing your part, but not getting the response you envisioned.

This is when we need to do the further hard work of opening our hands and praying: “Lord, if I’ve missed anything that is mine to own, please show me. If I’ve done what’s mine, help me to forgive and let go.”

What about you? What has your experience been with criticism, conflict, and crucial conversations?

3 Questions to Ask Before You Post on Social Media

August 4, 2017 /

Recently, a friend of mine was waiting in her van to pick up her son at soccer practice, like you do when it’s summer, and you have kids and 99% of your time is spent shuttling kids to activities.

She idled there with the car running, two littles napping in the back seat, when suddenly she was startled by someone pounding on her window.  She had accidentally pulled partially into one of three handicapped spaces, waiting for her son to come to the car.  A mother with a handicapped child at home, didn’t approach her to question for better understanding, or respectfully point out her mistake, but instead, pounded and yelled repeatedly for her to move.

The offended mother then took a picture of my friend’s car with the license plate and posted it on Facebook, with publicly shaming remarks, a distortion of the situation, and no chance for explanation or apology. This escalated, with FB readers weighing in, suggesting all kinds of retribution against my friend who had made an innocent mistake.

So here’s what my friend did. After some investigation, she discovered the angry woman had a blog, so she read it all, trying to better understand her. She then wrote a letter of apology for her mistake, attaching some hydrangeas and a bag of peanut m&m’s (which she learned the woman liked from reading her blog), and dropped it in her mailbox.

The woman made it known she has no interest in talking with my friend, so that’s that, right?  I don’t think so. Who knows the pain this woman is carrying and how this small act of grace and peace-seeking may be a seed that will bear fruit in the future?

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

My friend’s experience is just one story – #ouch! Young, old, single, parent, retired… It doesn’t matter. Most of us navigate the mine field of social media on a daily basis. When we’re dinged we need to question for better understanding, and respond with grace. But what about our responsibility as posters?

What’s happened to civil discourse and respectful problem-solving?

 

Here are 3 additional questions we might ask before posting:  

  1. Is this helpful and constructive? Will this promote dialog and understanding, or am I lobbing a “hand-grenade”?

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Col. 4:6

2. Why do I want to post this? Is it coming from a place of hurt? need for attention? anger?

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23, 24

3. Would I feel comfortable saying this directly to my parents, employer, friends of a different faith or political party?

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building othersup according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Eph. 4:29

Those are a few of my thoughts. What would you add?

You might also be interested in this post on “Crucial Conversations”.

 

 

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Introducing a Neighboring Challenge

June 2, 2017 /

Is it just me or does it seem like the level of angry rhetoric, distrust, and division in our world has reached a level that looks a little like this?

via GIPHY

You might say righteous anger is warranted, and sometimes it is. But the next time you are criticizing another – whether someone across the political aisle or across your church aisle, notice the feeling that wells up in you.

Is there a little bit of satisfied self-righteousness? I confess, there is for me.

I think the righteous anger of Jesus is accompanied by a deep sadness and desire for understanding and reconciliation. But is ours? Or are we more motivated by a “win”?

Our neighborhoods may look delightful but be divided.

Jesus calls each of us to be peacemakers. He is a welcoming God, a listening God, a connector, a reconciler and a restorer, and we should be too.

But “Peacemaker” sounds like such a big brave word – like CHANGE THE WORLD. NOW.

It sounds like it must involve world travel, high level contacts, or a job in the State Department, right?

“Too much”, you say.

“Not my job”, you say.

To that I respond, “Peace starts with a cup of coffee and a listening ear.”

The wisdom that comes from God is first utterly pure, then peace-loving, gentle, approachable, full of tolerant thoughts and kindly actions, with no breath of favouritism or hint of hypocrisy. And the wise are peace-makers who go on quietly sowing for a harvest of righteousness—in other people and in themselves. James 3:18 Phillips

In the Bible, God talks a lot about our neighbors – the ones near, who we know, and the ones far away. We are called to love them all as we love ourselves. But how can we do that if we have no contact with them?

In order to neighbor we need to know.

Sooooo, I want to propose a week-long Neighboring Challenge. For each post I’ll share a passage of Scripture on neighboring and include an action step you may want to take.

Now I can just hear you young mama’s yelling “Nooooo! Not one more thing to DO!!!”

Settle down. I get it. No worries. This will not be a huge deal, and it will be a great way to model and include your kids in peacemaking. I’ll even try to include some stuff specifically for them.

I’d love to have you join in and share your experience in the comments or on Instagram with the hashtag #neighboring  so we can encourage each other. But if you just want read and watch, that’s fine too!

There have been several experiences recently that have prompted me to do this. One of them has been reading Scott Saul’s book, Befriend: Create Belonging in an age of Judgment, Isolation and Fear. If you want a good companion book for this neighboring challenge, I’d recommend it!

 

 

How You Can Bring World Peace with Three Words

May 1, 2016 /

I’m driving to lunch, and talking to Mom on my cell phone. “I’m going to meet an Imam!” (I say excitedly)

Mom: You’re going to meet a New Mom??! (she says just as excitedly)

Me: No, but that’s ok, I had to Google the difference between an “Imam” and a “Sheik” this morning. I’m a newbie.

All I know is we’re not meeting at “Porkbellys” as Mom calls it.

I’ve always been globally aware, but I blame my friends Lynne and Todd for encouraging this newer socially awkward 5-year-old me who anxiously says, “Will you be my friend?” to people of different colors, faiths, political orientations…Even Vegans, for Pete’s sake.

I’m convinced that World Peace may start with the three words, “Let’s Do Lunch”. 

We need to get up close and personal with those different from us, but it takes some effort when Jews are the most different-from-me folks in my neighborhood.

We need to be “neighboring” rather than “othering”, and for someone to become a “neighbor” rather than an “other” requires a conversation…the beginning of a relationship.

Anyway, John is meeting with this Imam and I feel like a toddler begging, “Let me come too! I wanna be friends too!”

I have QUESTIONS! I really want to understand those who are different from me – especially Muslims who have been so “otherized” by the media.

As I walk into Ciao Bella I wonder if our Imam will look askance at me wearing jeans and Converse sneakers.

We sit down together and fortunately, Asad is extremely gracious and patient as I pepper him with stuff like, “Will it offend you if I have bacon in my salad?” (No, those are my dietary laws, not yours.” Smile.)

FullSizeRender-98

Asad orders fish for lunch, has a wife but no kids, and lives in the suburbs.

He says information and statistics aren’t as important as plain old proximity. He says if you have a pediatrician or a car mechanic who is a Muslim, it goes a long way to put a check in your spirit when the media paints them all as terrorists.

Still, Asad does give us some facts:

  • Part of being a Muslim means loving and following Jesus.
  • Mary, the mother of Jesus is mentioned more times in the Koran than in the Bible.
  • Only 20% of Muslims are Arabs, but our stereotypes of Islam come exclusively from the Arab world.
  • Muslims and Christians together make up 50% of the world. By 2040 they will make up 2/3 of the world population. If Muslims and Christians can’t get along then World Peace doesn’t stand a chance.

Why am I being painfully vulnerable, sharing my faltering attempts to make new friends? 

I believe World Peace can start with a step as small as lunch. We can do this! (We could start a new peace-making service called “It’s Just Lunch” if it wasn’t already taken!) We can de-Trumpize rhetoric, but it needs to begin with us.

“We all have some responsibility to do one activity that leaps across the chasms of segmentation that afflict this country.” David Brooks

John, Asad, and I leave lunch with a plan to gather 75 people from our church to attend a dinner at Asad’s mosque during Ramadan. We’ll go, we’ll listen, we’ll make friends.

The start of world peace.

Who can you invite to lunch this week?

 

5 Characteristics of Healthy Community

March 20, 2016 /

Who are your people? Do you have a group of friends who are your tribe, or your “home team”? Those people you can tell the truth to and they won’t throw you out? They may kick you in the butt when that’s needed, but they’ll also hug you and say “It’s gonna be ok honey”.

My husband, John, has gotten a little bit sick of me raving about a community of young married couples I have the privilege of hanging out with. They are called Catalyst, and they inspire the socks off me.

IMG_2010

Right from the start, they have leaned into the sacrament of community. They are my heroes in this regard.

There are five vivid snapshots of our life-together that come to mind, highlighting characteristics of authentic, life-giving community. I thought they might be helpful to share: Continue reading

How Three Questions and an Olive Harvest Can Lead to Peace

December 9, 2015 /

Olive branch: something that is said or done to make peace or to show that you want peace : a symbol of peace.

IMG_0458

It was three years ago this fall that I had the incredible experience of participating in an olive harvest in Palestine, alongside women who have been doing this for years.

We are clumsy; they are sure-footed as we climb high up into the branches of hundred year old trees.

We watch these strong, brave women show us how to strip the branches, causing the olives to fall onto tarps below where their children clean off stray leaves and twigs, collecting them into baskets.

IMG_2798

We use sign language and simple words to ask questions.

They share their lunch with us – chicken cooked long and slow in a hole dug in the earth while the sound of olives plopping on tarps on the ground fills the morning air.

We dance with them and sing around the leftover scraps and chicken bones, resting under the shade of the olive trees.

IMG_0440

They take us on a walk to show us land that has been taken from them over the years, shrinking their livelihood.

They are Muslims. We are Christians. They are Palestinians. We, Americans. They live oppressed. We enjoy freedom and abundance.

But we are all mothers, daughters, sisters, wives. All with hopes and dreams and fears for our families.

I’ve been thinking again lately about olives, olive trees, and olive branches of peace that are so desperately needed in a season of violence and mistrust. Continue reading

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