Category: Life-Giving Relationships (Page 3 of 4)

How to Combat One Feeling We All Deal With

September 3, 2019 /

Want some good news/bad news?

Recently I heard about a church in Thailand that gives out cupcakes every Sunday to those who have had a birthday that week. Sounds pretty great, right?

But why do they do this? Because in Thailand, when someone gives their life to Christ, often times family will disown them. Isolation and loneliness can lead to despair. This church says, “If no one will sing happy birthday to you, we will! We will be your family. Biblical community is important.”

You may not experience loneliness because you’ve been disowned by your family, but be honest, you’ve experienced it, right? And it is becoming a bigger issue than ever.

In Japan, so many people are dying alone there is an industry called lonely-death-cleanup. Companies are selling lonely death insurance to owners of apartment buildings to clean up after bodies are found, in order to make the apartment rentable again.

In “The All Better Book”, they asked elementary school kids: With billions of people in the world, someone should be able to figure out a system where no one is lonely. What do you suggest?

I love the answer Kalani gave (she’s 8): People should find lonely people and ask their name and address. Then ask people who aren’t lonely their name and address. When you have an even amount of each, assign lonely and not lonely people together in the newspaper.

Maybe a bit of an administrative challenge, but ok then!

The Bible has something to say about loneliness.

In Genesis we see God declare everything He has made, “good”. The one thing He says that is not good? To be alone. (Gen 2:8).

What is it that keeps us lonely. I can think of several things. Maybe you can add more.

  1. Second-hand living. We’ve become people who watch others online doing things. Researchers have coined the term, “passive consumers”, describing our inclination to live alone together. We have lots of artificial connections through social media, but few real relationships.

2. Self-centeredness. Feeling lonely or left-out is terrible. It’s understandable sometimes if we take to wallowing in a “poor me” place. It’s easy to lose perspective, but what about all the other people out there who are hurting or lonely?

3. New seasons. You may have moved away from home for the first time, or started a new job, or become an empty nester. All of these things affect your relationships. You may not be naturally coming into contact with people who have been important to you in the past.

Scripture says,

God sets the lonely in families.

Psalm 68:6

But how? What’s our part in God’s plan?

To build true community you need to not just be a consumer, but become a contributor.

  • What if you put down your phone and spent more time paying attention, interacting with the people around you?
  • What if you pick up your phone and arranged to meet someone for coffee? Identify some people you’d like to get to know and reach out. Maybe they won’t become your new best friends, but that’s ok. Start somewhere.
  • What if you brainstorm others who might need encouragement, a meal, a hug? Consider a mama with a newborn, the spouse of someone deployed in the military, a college student away from home for the first time, a person newly widowed or divorced?
  • What if you volunteer to serve someplace where there are people with greater needs than your own?
  • One last way you can build community, even if it isn’t face-to-face, is to interact here on the blog. Comment. Get to know others who comment. Encourage them. You all have so much wisdom to share!

Whether here or in real life, let’s commit to becoming more of an Acts 2 community. What have you done or what will you commit to do this week? Share in the comments!

If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away!

5 Responses When You’re Caught in the Middle of Conflict

August 19, 2019 /

Relationships. Ahhh they can be so complicated, right? If you’re like me, you need constant encouragement to keep working with the Lord on transformation in this area. So here’s another updated repost that I need to read to myself!

Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we’re still stuck between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world filled with pain and pride and power struggles.

We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, fighting, and falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.

John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends who are in the muck and mire of broken trust, accusations, and differing points of view. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded people who I trust are each doing their best to understand and respond with grace.

Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”

As we grieve each day, and exchange notes and calls of support for all involved, I ask over and over, “What do I know to do and not do? What is my role?”

Here’s what I believe God may be trying to teach me: 

  1. Pray, pray, and pray some more. I am praying fervently for each person involved. This is drawing me closer to God, the only One who knows all hearts and the only One who can bring truth, justice, and reconciliation. Only God can reveal, redeem, restore. I am praying more than ever given the fallout, longing for understanding and God’s intervention.

“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thes. 5;17

2. Choose your words carefully. What are we not to do? Gossip, judge, take sides… Our only job is to take responsibility for our actions and love everyone always. I need to ask myself:

  • Are my words and actions life-giving in this situation?
  • Am I asking questions instead of giving answers?
  • Am I speaking the truth in love?

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

3. Examine your heart. The verse that keeps coming to mind is “The heart is deceitful above all things.” My heart. Your heart. My friends’ hearts.

Lately my prayer has been “Lord show me MY blindspots. Show me if I have unaddressed sin. Show me if I have caused pain inadvertently and give me the courage to respond with humility and contrition.”

Who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Psalm 19:12

4. Pay attention and learn. Satan is crafty beyond belief. Never, in a million years could we have imagined the scenario our friends are in. We are not to live in fear of Satan, but as wise followers of Jesus who have an enemy determined to thwart His work in the world. We need to be aware and prepared. One of the things I’ve learned by observing my friends in such difficult circumstances is not to isolate myself from those who may ask hard questions to hold me accountable.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lionlooking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

5. Humble yourself. Each of us must come to the Lord and each other with a posture of total humility, and a desire to question for greater understanding, treating everyone with love and respect.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13

Friends, we are all such messes. We all have so much stuff that needs forgiveness. Where would we be without an Easter God who knows us and loves us still, sending Jesus to die for our sins?

Anyone else have experiences to share in this area of friendship? Check out Psalm 25 as a good prayer for these days.

What Stories are you Telling Yourself That May be Derailing You?

July 23, 2019 /

“Are you playing in the Tennis Invitational this year?”

My friend had no idea that would be a painful question, but it was.

I’m a relative newbie to the game of tennis. I was only able to start playing a few years ago after back surgery. After looking down my nose at “women who tennis”, I’m embarrassed by how much I love it. I am passionate about improving and I work hard. I love the community of players I’ve gotten to know.

This experience may sound sooo ridiculous in light of, you know…real life pain around the world, but stick with me.

Every year there is a “Tennis Invitational” at our courts. It’s a day and a half event of friendly competition with dinner. Super fun.

I wasn’t even aware of it for a long time. Probably because it’s for “better players”.

Then 3 years ago the coaches were desperate at the last minute and asked me to sub in. Same thing happened 2 years ago. Last year I was invited to play for real.

This year? Crickets. Nothing. I was uninvited.

Those are the facts.

I felt confused and hurt, especially when I discovered a friend who plays at my level was invited.

The narratives I constructed to try to make sense of the facts?

  • They think I’m getting worse instead of better.
  • Someone complained about my level of play last year.
  • It was a clerical error last year and I was invited by mistake.
  • They have an age limit. They don’t want me because I’m “old”.
  • One of the coaches is mad at me.

All these “stories” motivate me to feel self-conscious, wary, and discouraged.

What if there’s another story that I’m not aware of?

There’s a difference between facts and the story we tell ourselves.

Example: A friend cancels plans with you three times in a row.

That’s a fact.

The story you may tell yourself is that she doesn’t value your friendship anymore. You are not important to her.

Example: You reach out to two different guys on a dating app and neither of them responds to you.

That’s a fact.

The story you tell yourself is that you’re “undatable”. You aren’t pretty enough.

Unless we are covered in Teflon, we tend to gravitate towards the worst interpretation of events.

But what if there’s another story? How do we know what’s true?

As I’ve been grappling with situations like this in my own life, two action steps have come to mind.

  1. Inquire for better understanding. Go to the source. Yikes! This feels hard, risky, vulnerable. It’s also not always possible or realistic to go directly to the other person (like with a dating app). But, when possible, being honest about the facts, and your feelings, and asking for additional information or the true narrative may be the best course of action. With the dating example, it might be wise to ask a close friend who may have some insight that will be helpful.

2. Ask God for His perspective. Facts are facts. Maybe you’re not as good as you thought you were. Maybe your friend has moved into a new season without you. Maybe there are issues you need to work on to become a healthier date. But what story is God writing? What qualities might He want to develop in you?

  • Perseverance? James 1:2-4
  • Humility? 1 Peter 5:5-9
  • Dependence? Psalm 62:5-8

Is it possible you’re giving the people in your life more power to say who you are than God? Remember in Genesis 3:10-11 when Adam was ashamed in the Garden of Eden and God asked him “Who told you that…?” God’s implication was “Not me…I’m not the one who told you to be ashamed.”

@charliemackesy Instagram

P.S. I screwed up my courage and questioned for better understanding. The story was nuanced and made sense. Afterwards I felt lighter, and like I could breathe easier.

Do you struggle with telling yourself all the negative stories?

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3 Keys to Writing a Love Letter

April 9, 2019 /

I just discovered that April is National Letter Writing month! If you know me at all, you know that I think writing notes is a powerful ministry. AND it is such a joy!

I’m betting you, like me, have a drawer of “love letters” – notes you’ve received that have been especially timely, impactful, or encouraging.

Like a squirrel with a stash of nuts he saves for the long winter nights, we may treasure and re-read these nuggets when we need a little encouragement, especially in dark, cold seasons.

What is it that gives love notes such value in your mind?

As I read back over my “stash” here are some of the elements I notice about people who write great notes:

  1. They are SPECIFIC. They recall a specific story, personal touch, greeting, or gift and the way it made them feel. Now I’m not saying everyone needs to be flowery. You need to be yourself. But the best note-writers use sparkling words that call on imagery. Instead of “Thanks for the delicious dinner”, they might write

“Your home is so cozy and welcoming!. The smell of pot roast and the glow of candles mingled with laughter and “yay God!” stories shared around the table were a gift at the end of a stressful day.”

Instead of “Thank you for your encouragement.” they might write

“When you gave me a hug yesterday and said how grateful you are for my service in the nursery it was like Jesus Himself was wrapping His arms around me. You could have rushed on by, but you stopped, and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Thank you for the reminder that I’m ‘seen'”.

2. They empathize. They take time to put themselves in your place and name some of the challenges they see. You don’t have to have experienced the same thing, but look for a point of connection.

The notes that were the most moving after David’s death were from people who also have experienced loss. They didn’t just send a note after his death, but write on anniversaries and birthdays, sharing things they miss about David.

The thank you’s for dinners we hosted when I had toddlers “helping” that acknowledged the additional time, sacrifice, and strain to entertain in that season, were greatly appreciated.

3. They’re both timely and unexpected.  I think the notes that may mean the most to me are the ones that don’t come after I’ve given a gift, or hosted an event, but just when someone notices something they appreciate and take the time to write about it.  These notes call out qualities in us that we may not see or hear day to day.

Timing may be as important as the words we use. When I was in college I worked as a volunteer in Young Life. The area director was an amazing role model who taught us the Bible and developed us as leaders. Years later I heard a message on mentors and felt an unmistakable nudge from the Holy Spirit to write my former area director a note and thank him for the role he played in my life. Unfortunately I’ve lost his response, but it included words to the effect, “Your note came at one of the lowest days of my life. I was doubting anything I had done had made a difference. I’m so grateful for the way God encouraged me through your words.”

I love Bob Goff’s idea. Instead of sending birthday cards, he marks his calendar with his friends’ hard or transition days – a change of job, a move to a new home, the loss of a loved one, first season of empty nesting – and writes a note of encouragement then.

Those are some of the things I notice. What would you add that makes a good note? Who might you write today?

As you can probably tell, I’m passionate about note writing! I’ve created a free resource called “A Year of Grace Notes” with 12 prompts plus some suggestions for spiritual reflection to help you get started with this practice. Click here to get yours!

Missing Church

December 20, 2018 /

When I was growing up we never missed church.

Really.

I’m sure we must have had one week when someone was sick, but I honestly don’t remember it. “Going to church” was a commitment. It was a given.

Yeah, I know “church” isn’t just a place. It’s not the building.  The New Testament word for “church” is ekklesia, which means “the called out ones.” WE are the church.

But our God cares about places too. He is a God of rhythms, rituals, and rocks. He commanded the Israelites to build a tabernacle, a temple, and to pile stones in specific places so they wouldn’t forget His faithfulness or formation of them. I think “going to church” as an act of worship, is significant. When we “miss church” we miss something more than an item on our to-do list.

In this season of “lasts” for John and I as we anticipate leaving ministry at CPC,  I want to be at church every possible chance I get. I want to be present to all the people in this community I love, and present to God at the same time.

I want to be greeted by Debbie at the door of the Great Room, and sit in “my” pew, and remember all the marking moments I’ve experienced here. I want to serve communion, and receive it too. I want to snag one of Sharon’s famous cookies at the receptionist’s desk when she works on Wednesdays. I want to see Noel in the Bobcat shoveling snow, and hear Jane practicing the organ. I want to eavesdrop as Michelle patiently helps someone who is new and lost and has wandered into the bookstore. I want to hold a baby at Mom’s Morning and pray with the Catalyst community. I want to hug Dinny at the 9:30 service, and give Betsy a kiss in her wheelchair at the 11:00. I want to bring dinner to Families Moving Forward and I want to be run down by rambunctious teens in the hallway on a Wednesday night, and I want to listen as Heather leads the littles in choir song.

I don’t want to miss church. 

Each of these things by themselves is not dramatically significant. But together, like dots of color in an impressionist painting, they create a picture of how God has been forming me.  

Like one of my favorite verses says, “Do not despise the day of small things.” (Zechariah 4:10)

As much as I crave being present in the actual church building these days, it’s rarely convenient to go to church. I may be tired, or want to meet friends for brunch, or there’s snow (dontcha know). But in going at a time I don’t choose, maybe I cooperate with God in my formation as well as worship Him.

The people who sit around me in the pews aren’t always people who are easy for me to love. I may run into someone who’s been super critical, or has different political leanings than I do, or is awkward to talk to. Maybe by not missing church Jesus forms me into a tiny bit more gracious, empathetic person.

The songs we sing aren’t always my favorites. There may be fussy toddlers who are distracting, and sometimes I would rather be making my to-do list instead of trying to listen for God’s Word to me. Sometimes the prayers go too long or the silence is too short. But perhaps Jesus is using these to form patience, or tolerance, or humility in me.

The inconveniences of “going to church”  are exactly the reasons that it’s important for me not to miss. Because bit by bit, God is going to use these things to make me more like Him if I pay attention.

Church isn’t easy. It takes patience and prayer and perseverance. We’re broken people with rough edges, rubbing against each other as we try to follow Jesus. But God uses this proximity to each other and to Him, to create something beautiful.

As John and I transition out of ministry at CPC, we won’t miss church on Sundays (we’ll go to church somewhere!), but we’ll sure miss this church where God has showed up and showed off, and formed us into the people we are today. 

What to Do When a Friend is in the Depths of Despair

December 5, 2018 /

Tonight is a Christmas candlelight service at our church. Those who are grieving, gather in the darkness, remembering loved ones, present to the loss we’ve experienced, but also clinging to the hope Jesus offers. Emmanuel. God with us. Even in the dark.

It is quiet, and sacred, and to me, feels like a warm comforter on a snowy night.

But it brings to mind a conversation that I had in October with a friend who is mourning.

“I’m here! Yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve lost my capacity to engage, concentrate or make decisions.  It’s easier to succumb to the isolation than to fight to justify my pain out in the open.  Let’s count today, sitting in a restaurant with you a win.”

I sit across the table from my friend of almost 30 years, autumnal salads with apples and craisins between us. I listen as she catches me up on the losses she’s experienced over the past year and a half since her husband died suddenly.

“I don’t know who I am anymore.  Life and everyone in it is moving on. People wave goodbye from bright shiny trains, I no longer have a ticket to ride. All I can do is watch them go; disappear into a future I cannot see.”

Three hours later I feel like we’re both exhausted from trying to process the overwhelming pain she’s enduring.

“I know people mean well, but I’m tired of ‘How are you?’” she says as she dispiritedly picks at her salad.

“When I respond authentically, and say, ‘As bad as you imagine or maybe worse’, I watch their hope get swallowed up by disappointment.”  

“Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. I’m angry that it feels like it’s not ok to not be ok. I’M NOT OK and my kids are not ok.” 

Anne of Green Gables would say she’s “In the depths of despair.” Only Anne was being overly dramatic and this is real life trauma.

Even Jesus, when in the depths of despair, turns not only to His heavenly Father, but also His community. In the Garden of Gethsemane He’s very vulnerable. He says to those closest to Him, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow.” and He names what He needs from His community.

“Stay here and keep watch with me.” 

Notice He doesn’t ask them to fix or give advice, just sit with Him in His anguish. This is soooo hard for us isn’t it? We’re DO-ERS! We want to alleviate our friend’s pain, and doing something also makes us feel better about ourselves dontcha know!

“Christ came so that we might share in his resurrection life. But first, He invites us into a co-suffering relationship. This means death, and for us in this, death means releasing our right to have an answer and giving up our desire to be the hero.” Emily P. Freeman

One of the questions we can ask ourselves is “What does love require of me?” 

  • It may often require sitting with a friend and saying nothing, just listening deeply, nodding, or holding.
  • Love may ask us to pray silently or outloud, leaning on the Holy Spirit to give words to our groans on behalf of the other.
  • It may prompt us to validate the pain of our friend by echoing back what we’re hearing and acknowledging that everyone’s grief is unique.
  • Love may lead us to affirm the courage, authenticity, perseverance or other godly qualities we see in our friend even in a season when they feel confused and out of control.

What is your experience walking with friends in pain? Are you afraid of saying the wrong thing? What have you found that’s helpful?

Remember, we’d all love to hear your thoughts! Just click on the title of this post if you receive this by email and it will take you to the place where you can just scroll down to leave a comment. (Don’t worry if your comment doesn’t show up immediately…it will!)

Also, I’d love to see you over on Instagram! It’s my favorite place to hang out.

3 Life-giving Choices to Make in a Season of Change

September 17, 2018 /

I glimpse a small patch of bright fire red in the middle of still-green maple leaves as I bike around the lake near my house. It’s not cold yet, but there’s a change in the air. The mornings are cooler and it takes all day for the sun to warm the earth, barely struggling up to the high for the day, like a middle school boy trying to do chin-ups, then sliding quickly back down. Yellow buses lumber through the neighborhood and we notice that dusk tiptoes in earlier. I smile at “bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils”. I want to light candles, make soup, bake muffins. Things are changing.

Whether you’re back to packing lunches and driving carpools, or adjusting to a new baby in your home, or anticipating a change in employment, moving to a new city, or trying to accept a “new normal” without a loved-one, Fall marks a season of change. And even good change can be hard.

For us, we’re in a bittersweet season of “lasts” as we anticipate transitioning out of ministry at the church where we’ve served for almost 30 years – last kick-off Sunday, last Thanksgiving, last Christmas… We look forward, “adventurously expectant” (Romans 8:15 MSG) to what God has next for us, but still… It’s got me reflecting on how to “choose life”(Deuteronomy 13:19) while also in the midst of grieving that inevitably comes with change. Here are three practices I’m engaging in:

  1. Honor traditions.

In seasons of change, traditions are comforting and reassuring.  Throughout Scripture God institutes festivals and celebrations that are woven into the rhythm of the year. One of our traditions through the years as our daughters were growing up, was a “first day of school dinner” to which we invited two single friends on staff to join our family. They are like surrogate aunties for our girls. We always have homemade chicken pot pie and share “first day” highlights. Our girls are grown and living far away now, but their “aunties” are still here and so we gathered a couple weeks ago for the traditional dinner, sharing memories and laughter with thanksgiving. What traditions can you continue to embrace (or even create) during a season of change?

2. Reflect on relationships.

Change in location or circumstances often means change in relationships. Some people you’ve seen regularly will seemingly vanish from your everyday life. Transition is a good time to do a relational Examen. Reflect on the people in your life. Are there any relationships where there might be unresolved issues?  Are there questions that you need to ask?  Romans 12:18 is a good guide: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Recently, God convicted me that there was a past relationship where I hadn’t sufficiently checked in to make sure there wasn’t unspoken pain. I felt like maybe I hadn’t adequately cared for this person in her time of transition, so I set up a coffee to ask how she felt. Is there someone you’ve been too busy to see in this new season? Might they be hurt?

3. Focus on the unchanging character of God.

Speak gratitude. Some things don’t change. God is faithful. What are the attributes of God, the glimpses of grace and goodness you can call out each day as a counter-weight to the circumstances which may feel out of control or stressful in seasons of change? If you have kids, can you share “God-sightings” around the dinner table? Or journal about them? Or have a texting agreement with a friend – each of you texting how you remember God’s attributes each day?

TheplansoftheLord stand firm forever, the purposes ofhis heart through all generations. Psalm 33:11

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

So, those are my thoughts on what helps when change seems to throw me a loop. What about YOU?? What would you share? If you receive this in email, just click on the title at the top and it will take you to the host site where you can leave a comment.

And…Just for a fun bonus, here’s the chicken pot pie recipe I use 🙂

Crust

1 box Pillsbury refrigerated pie crusts, softened as directed on box

Filling

1/3 cup butter
1/3 cup chopped onion
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 3/4 cups chicken broth (from 32-oz carton)
1/2 cup milk
2 1/2 cups shredded cooked chicken (I splurge on rotisserie chicken already deboned)
2 cups frozen mixed vegetables, thawed
** I usually cut down on either the broth or the milk, and I add about a Tablespoon of “Better than Boullion organic chicken base”
Can also add sautéed mushrooms.
Steps
  • 1 Heat oven to 425°F. Make pie crusts as directed on box for Two-Crust Pie using 9-inch glass pie pan. (I pre-cook the bottom crust for about 10 minutes so it doesn’t get soggy with the filling)
  • 2 In 2-quart saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add onion; cook 2 minutes, stirring frequently, until tender. Stir in flour, salt and pepper until well blended. Gradually stir in broth and milk, cooking and stirring until bubbly and thickened.
  • 3 Stir in chicken and mixed vegetables. Remove from heat. Spoon chicken mixture into crust-lined pan. Top with second crust; seal edge and flute. Cut slits in several places in top crust.
  • 4 Bake 30 to 40 minutes or until crust is golden brown. During last 15 to 20 minutes of baking, cover crust edge with strips of foil to prevent excessive browning. Let stand 5 minutes before serving.

 

How to Have a Hard Conversation

August 15, 2018 /

We all have our stuff, right? The steep learning curve stuff. The stuff we’re not good at and would like to run from. For most of us, loving confrontation is one of those things. It seems that lately I’ve been in more conversations than ever about this and how we can do it well. I went back to this post from a few years ago and thought it was worth looking at again.

Recently we met for dinner with a young couple we love whose marriage is in crisis.

Another friend’s teenage son entered rehab.

Two friends had to fire employees.

One needs to break up with her boyfriend.

AAAAARRRGGGHHH!  For the love of world peace!

In each of these situations a crucial conversation (or series of them) was called for.  Conversations where emotions ran high.  Sometimes there was a difference of opinion.   Perhaps there was hard truth that needed to be clearly, but gently communicated.

John and I often repeat something our friend Nancy Beach once said: “Leadership is a series of hard conversations.”  I think that might as well be “LIFE is a series of hard conversations.”

In August we took a large group from our church to the annual Leadership Summit at Willow Creek.  The most pertinent talk for many of us was called “Crucial Conversations” by Joseph Grenny.

He said, any time you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations you’re not having, or not having well. Continue reading

2 Guiding Principles for Tough Seasons of Leadership

May 18, 2018 /

“Leadership is a series of hard conversations.” A friend of ours said this to us years ago, and it has proven to be uncomfortably true.

Sometimes we’re on the initiating end of the hard conversation, sometimes on the receiving end. Many times both.

Sometimes people are observing hard conversations from afar and feel the need to pass judgment.

In ministry leadership, we invest more deeply, and get hurt more profoundly…Maybe it’s because of our perceptions of what love should look like – all grace no truth. Maybe it’s because we feel a deeper connection to each other in the Body of Christ, and therefore have a deeper sense of betrayal when we’re on the receiving end of a hard conversation. Maybe it’s because we’re all so, so human and as hard as we try, We. All. Mess. Up.

Recently my husband and I have been in a windstorm – on both the initiating end, and the receiving end of hard conversations, all of us doing our best.

Can I suggest two principles as we all walk through leadership challenges and hard conversations in different contexts?

Continue reading

3 Crucial Commitments for a Strong Marriage, Part 3

April 26, 2018 /

This week we’ve been looking at different commitments to strengthen our marriages. The last one ties into the story I shared on Monday about navigating carefully. Have you ever been driving cross-country and find yourself fighting fatigue, nodding off and jerking back to alertness, clutching the wheel more tightly? We can make commitments to nurture and protect, but what if we still find ourselves drifting towards the wrong lane?

3. Commitment to Course Correct

Sometimes we make allowances for a season when there are unique circumstances, but it’s easy to let temporary choices become habits that get us off course.

There may be a season when you have to travel a lot for work and you find yourself drifting apart from your spouse. At what point are you accommodating your career over your marriage and need to course correct?

You’re individuals and you may have separate interests, that involve relationships outside your marriage, but if the majority of time you spend on hobbies and social activities doesn’t include your spouse, you may need to course correct.

There may be a time when you’re stretched thin or have babies with crazy schedules and sleep becomes a priority over worshipping together on Sunday, but when does it become a habit rather than an exception and you need to course correct?

There may be time when you feel like you need to care for yourself, but it’s important to discern when self-centeredness becomes the norm over serving your spouse, and you need to course-correct.

There have been a couple of times in our marriage when we felt we needed the help of a counselor. Not because there was anything dramatic going on, but to do just a little course correction. We’ve told our married kids that if they ever want counseling and cost is a deterrent, we’ll pay.

What if you talked to your spouse tonight and had the courage to ask, “How are we doing? Are there areas where we’re getting a little off-course and need to make little corrections?” When we talk about potential dangers, when we bring them into the light, we start to drain them of their power.

Like I’ve written before, we’ve become more acutely aware of the spiritual battle that is going on. It’s so easy to let little stuff slide, but Peter reminds us:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Maybe take a minute to pray for your marriage and the marriages of those close to you right now?

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