“Leadership is a series of hard conversations.” A friend of ours said this to us years ago, and it has proven to be uncomfortably true.
Sometimes we’re on the initiating end of the hard conversation, sometimes on the receiving end. Many times both.
Sometimes people are observing hard conversations from afar and feel the need to pass judgment.
In ministry leadership, we invest more deeply, and get hurt more profoundly…Maybe it’s because of our perceptions of what love should look like – all grace no truth. Maybe it’s because we feel a deeper connection to each other in the Body of Christ, and therefore have a deeper sense of betrayal when we’re on the receiving end of a hard conversation. Maybe it’s because we’re all so, so human and as hard as we try, We. All. Mess. Up.
Recently my husband and I have been in a windstorm – on both the initiating end, and the receiving end of hard conversations, all of us doing our best.
Can I suggest two principles as we all walk through leadership challenges and hard conversations in different contexts?
- Expect the best of others.
Love…Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. 1 Cor. 13:7 MSG
We have a close friend who, thirty-some years ago, knew it was time to transition to a new season of ministry. Some use the word “retire”, but I hate that word. Anyway, the pastor knew he needed to move on, and so did the faith community, but after he announced his leaving, he discovered an HR situation on staff that was confidential and potentially very divisive. He quietly withdrew his resignation in order to deal with the situation and not leave the mess for the pastor who would follow him. He didn’t tell people why he changed his mind because it would be embarrassing for the others involved. People heaped on criticism. Why was he being wishy-washy? Why couldn’t he let go? He silently took the unwarranted taunts and fixed the problem before retiring.
When I am critical of a leader, I need to ask, “How would I want people to interpret this if I was in their shoes?”
I need to be humble enough to admit there may be circumstances I’m not aware of.
I need to be teachable enough to question for better understanding.
2. Speak the truth in love directly and do not gossip, even though that makes us feel oh so superior. (I may say this from first-hand experience. Ahem) Matthew 18:15 exhorts us to go directly to a person with our concerns. Ephesians 4, exhorts us to speak the truth in love.
God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love. Ephesians 4:15-16 MSG
Recently, we have experienced hard truth from some folks who also communicate “I’m for you. I’m sharing this with you because I care.” We are grateful. The most helpful are those who have spoken hard truth in love and also have said, “I’ve been in a similar situation. I know firsthand how hard this is.” And then, unfortunately there are those people who speak the “truth” with an attitude of self-righteous anger.
Being a leader isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes an identity firmly rooted in the security of being God’s beloved no matter how many times you mess up.
Leadership takes courage that can only come from God.
It takes courage to do what is unpopular.
It takes courage to turn down the volume of voices of the world and lean in close to hear God’s voice above the rest.
It takes courage to admit when you are wrong.
It takes courage to persevere when you’ve messed up.
Leadership is a series of hard conversations. Can we agree we’re in this together, doing our best to follow Jesus, extending both grace and truth in love?
The Lord upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14 NIV
My heart goes out to you and John during these difficult days, Laura. It’s excruciating to make hard decisions that involve your co-workers/friends/family especially when those some don’t understand all the facts. I have no doubt that you do the best you can ALWAYS! You are loved and appreciated. Hang in there.
Marcia, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. There are so many people hurting in our community and in many other faith communities around the world. My heart grieves for all who are feeling battered, close and far.