Today I was supposed to go to Weight Watchers. Instead I made Christmas cookies.
And by that I mean I made Jeans Bars, so named because they’re guaranteed to make your jeans tight. Yeah. I know, I know…
But, it got me to thinking about the food I need far more than Christmas cookies.
And the God who has given to all of us who are hungry and thirsty for that “more”…
I see myself as a pretty darn adventurous person. I love a challenge. I’ll go anywhere in the world and I’ve eaten fried catipillars. Daughter Maggie and I were finalists to compete in the Amazing Race last year. And I want my second career to be as a spy, for which I’ve already prepared by spending hours at the Spy Museum in D.C. and doing a simulation bomb location exercise. Learning to hot wire a car is on my bucket list. I’m just sayin’…I think I’ve got some game.
But, there are two things I don’t do.
Snakes and mice.
I’d jump out of an airplane if I had to, but look at, much less empty, a mouse trap? No way. Fortunately this has not been an issue as we have not had mice to deal with. Until we got home from vacation this week and discovered evidence of one in a kitchen drawer. Nowhere else (and believe me I went over the house with a magnifying glass, inspecting any tiny piece of lint to make sure it wasn’t a mouse dropping).
Anyway, we set out multiple traps in the kitchen around and in said drawer. The next morning I left John a bazillion notes reminding him to check and deal with any corpse that might have appeared and I carefully skirted around the kitchen with my eyes averted from anything close to the killing field.
It’s not like I wasn’t aware there might be carnage. I just didn’t want to face it. To deal with the ugliness.
Recently I referred to a message I had listened to about comparison that Andy Stanley preached and I was forced to face a mouse corpse. He talked about the land of “er” and “est” where when we compare and don’t measure up we either hate the other person or hate ourselves. Near the end, he asked a question :
“Is there anyone you would secretly be glad to see fail?”
It totally rocked me because immediately two people from different parts of my life, who I haven’t thought about in awhile came to mind! No, no one reading this (honest). And before you get sidetracked and all judgmental, ask yourself that question.
It freaked me out. “Why?” I asked myself. “Is this born out of comparison? Competition? Insecurity?” And “What do I do with this? (Besides confess it and ask God to change my heart). It was a very ugly mouse corpse I couldn’t avert my eyes from.
The first step for us in catching the mice was facing the evidence. Acknowledging they were there. I was ticked at Andy for asking the question that made me even admit the sin in me, but once I realized the truth I couldn’t just leave a drawer full of “mouse poop.”
The second step has been figuring out how it got in. For my “mouse” I’ve been asking the questions above and have realized they definitely squeezed in through the door of pride and comparison, but it’s also complicated by the pain that comes when someone succeeds at your expense or hurts you personally while getting what they want. Perhaps this mouse snuck in in the moments when I wasn’t vigilant about living out of the security of God’s lavish love and delight in me…confidence in His win/win power to bring about good no matter what.
The third step has been killing the mice and, most importantly getting rid of the dead corpses. I’m fine with steps one and two, but this one….? Could I please just jump out of an airplane?
Instead I picture both of the people who came to mind. This morning I read, “Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings.”
I picture the three of us, together, huddled beneath God’s wings. His beloved children, all three of us dependent…taking refuge in His mercy. I am truly moved by this image as I sit with it. It helps me.
“Create in me a pure heart, O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
Is there anyone you would secretly be glad to see fail?
Are there ways that have been helpful to you in facing and dealing with the mouse corpses in your life?
The other day I made a confession here on the blog and then wrote, “There, now you know what a truly horrible, small-minded person I am.” I meant it. It was something I was embarrassed to admit. And I truly want to change…but not always.
Authenticity. It’s a high value these days. It’s one of the core values of this blog. And that’s a good thing mostly, I think. For awhile, we as Christians were trained to pretend to “Look like Jesus” no matter how much we weren’t. But then came a rash of young leaders who called us on it and it became cool to be authentic. To be honest and specific about the ways we are a broken hot mess.
That in itself is a good thing, right? But there are also some challenges at the intersection of grace and authenticity I think.
1. Authenticity. For some of us it’s hard to get to the starting line. The challenge is finding relationships…community, if you will, where we can truly be honest about who we are…the good, the bad, the ugly. It’s the risky challenge of just being willing to say, “Here’s my mess.”
2. Grace. For others, we can be brutally honest about our weaknesses, our failures, but the challenge is really knowing God’s grace to the core of our being…Knowing that nothing we do can ever make God love us more or less than He does right now. The hard thing is owning our sin, but not wallowing in our worminess.
3. Change. This is one that I fear I have to be aware of. It’s wearing our authenticity as a badge of honor and stopping there. Awhile ago I heard a preacher speak and he was very vulnerable. You could almost hear the inaudible admiration from the people listening…”Oooh he’s so authentic!“ But here’s the thing…He didn’t go any further. He expressed mild embarrassment, but is that repentance? He told us what he had done, but not what he was doing to change.
It was like what he was doing was what I often do: image management. “Confess” something safe, but make it so common that it falls in the category of “acceptable sin” that no one would really expect us to change.
Yesterday morning in church we did a spiritual inventory that we take every year, kind of like a physical check up but you don’t have to get into one of those white paper gowns and no one gets to see your weight (or the answers on your inventory).
At the end there were two areas where I was noticeably weaker than the others. The thing is, I looked at these two areas and it didn’t bother me all that much. Is it possible to be too comfortable with being honest, and too secure in God’s love of me?
Psalm 52:1 says, “Why do you boast of evil…? Why do you boast all day long, you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God?” The other day, I read this verse and I thought “Aha! Is this what we’re doing sometimes?”
Our righteousness IS as filthy rags, BUT God throws our sins as far as the east is from the west when we come to Him AND calls us to be holy as He is holy. All of this in the same Bible! How can we get this straight? That we are both broken and beloved at the same time. And God loves us too much to want us to remain the way we are.
I believe we are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, but not just over things like our dog dying or our mother-in-law’s car wreck. I think we’re to be truly honest about the darkness in our lives, but truly sorry too, and truly committed to doing better and finding ways to help each other together.
The good news, as always, is that we’re not in it alone and we can’t do it alone. “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.”
Which of the three challenges above do you struggle with the most? Authenticity, grace, change? Or other thoughts?
Confession: Some days are just “mess-up-not-good-enough-sin-over-and-over-again” days.
Of course, every day is that in reality, but some just feel more that way.
John has been out of town so I’ve been more (the operative word being “more”) careful about locking up. The other night after resting secure, I was ready to leave for the day, opened the door, and discovered this:
Yep, not the brightest bulb.
I can laugh this off, but there are other times… There’s the sick feeling I get when I say something insensitive, or neglect to say something, or compare myself to someone else who HAS said, or done just the right Jesusy thing. The times when pride or selfishness or bitterness seem to win the day and I’m so ashamed.
I think I want to hide, but I realize I really want something else. Continue reading
Last week I felt pretty good. Maybe you did too.
I was thinking, “Boy I’m glad I’m not Kim Kardashian, Rick Perry, or Joe Paterno!” And then there’s Jerry Sandusky who, this week admitted to “Horsing around” with kids. Each of them has had their mistakes broadcast, ridiculed, autopsied. Their intellect, integrity, and wisdom were brought into question.
My response? “Phew! Glad I dodged those bullets!”
“Can’t BELIEVE they were so stupid, evil, clueless, out-of-control…”
“I would NEVER have…”
I may even have thought, “I’m thankful I’ve never pulled a “Rick Perry” on national TV, bless his heart.”
And I felt just a little better about myself, focusing on THEM. You know THEM. All the others who I compare myself to who are much worse than I am.
Or not. Maybe my sins are just…different.
And more easily hidden.
What if the ugly stuff of my life (or yours) was replayed (over, and over, and over again) on the Today Show for millions to dissect and comment on what they would have done differently?
All this his has prompted me to return to an ancient prayer practice called the Jesus Prayer or the prayer of the heart.
Each time I hear something about someone else’s sin, I’m trying to use it as a prompt to pray the Jesus prayer, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
Have you tried this prayer practice? I resisted it initially. How does this help our quest to have a better self-image?? And who likes using the word SINNER??!! But I am (and I hate to draw attention to this, but there’s a chance you might be too) And in praying this it’s a reminder that I’m dependent on the reconciling work of Jesus. Just like Kim. Stretching muscles of humility, centering, worship…
I haven’t bailed on my marriage, but I’ve bailed on other commitments. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
I haven’t forgotten key components of my economic strategy on national television, but I’ve gotten tons of other stuff wrong. Lord have mercy.
I haven’t covered up sexual sin, but I haven’t always confronted injustice. Lord have mercy.
Thankfully, at least this week, my sins aren’t being played on national television, but I’m just as in need of God’s mercy and Psalm 103:11-12 reassures me and all of us. “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”
What do you think of this? Is the Jesus prayer easy or hard for you?
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