Tag: reconciliation (Page 1 of 3)

Squirrel Fights and Peace in the Ukraine

March 7, 2022 /

I was at war.  In case you’re a pacifist reading this blog, I thought it only fair I should warn you. 

I’m usually a peaceful person, but was pushed and I fought back.  My enemy?  The psycho squirrels who live in our yard and were trying to occupy new territory in our garage.

It all started when we did a little trimming on the large maple tree in our back yard.  Part of it had died, leaving a hollow branch – a branch that squirrels had found to be a cozy condo during our long Minnesota winters.  I think they had installed a fireplace and a Jacuzzi. 

Well we desperately wanted to save it so we had to cut it back.  I’m not sure, but we might have damaged their Jacuzzi.

This seemed to irritate them.  The next thing I know I’m sitting on the patio under the tree and a squirrel hurls a grenade at me!  Ok, not a grenade, but close.  I’m not kidding!  Here’s the evidence.

Before I knew it, every time I went outside there was a defiant squirrel blocking my path, basically saying “Make my day!” in that evil squirrely way they have.  Every time I went into the garage to get in the car I could feel them watching me.

So about now you may be wondering two things.  Is this woman crazy?  And what does this have to do with paying attention to God or the Ukraine?

Well, the other day my husband John and I had a little “discussion”.  We both wanted to go two different places together, but….there was some disagreement on the mode of transportation, the exact timing and the goals and objectives we wanted to accomplish at said destinations (you know, the crucial stuff you have to decide when going to the store and to a party).  

We got into this intense conversation that we agreed was RIDICULOUS, and went on for a length of time I’m embarrassed to admit.  In the middle of our fight I thought, “SQUIRREL!  This is a ‘squirrel’!  Why are we wasting time and energy trying to exert control over this?”

Later I was reflecting on this as I was walking and the song “Instruments of Peace” came on.

In my little world, whether it’s an argument with my husband, or an issue with a colleague that requires forgiveness, or a random encounter with someone very different from me it’s not World Peace,  but… maybe it’s still important.

I may not have the platform or influence of Brené Brown, but maybe for today God is calling me to pursue peace with the “squirrels” in my life.

“Make us, instruments of peace.  Where there’s hatred let love reign.”

Maybe today it means building a bridge by talking to someone I don’t think I have anything in common with.

“Make us, instruments of peace.  In dissonance bring harmony.”

Having a hard conversation and really listening to the perspective of someone I think I disagree with.

“Make us, instruments of peace.  Bringing hope to hopeless things.”

Letting go of my need for control and dying to my own agenda.

“Oh Prince of Peace your song we sing, To be sons and daughters of the king.”

Praying God’s blessing on someone who has refused to forgive me.

“Salaam.  Shalom.”

It’s not world peace, but maybe we need to start small.                                                      With squirrels.

 What does pursuing peace look like in your world today?  

How to Live in the Tension of Relationships that are…Complicated, Part 2

January 20, 2020 /

The other day I posted some thoughts about complicated relationships and the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Still, there are hard decisions to navigate when there is conflict among friends or family. How do we commit to both grace and truth?

If your 7 year old daughter scores two goals and plays a great game of soccer, but kicks someone on the opposing team while they’re down and walks away, is it right to only say “Way to go! You were awesome! You are such a great soccer player!”?

Is it a blessing to only affirm without also naming the pain caused to the opposing player? Obviously not, but other situations aren’t as clear. It’s…complicated, right?

Truth without grace isn’t really true. Rather, it is aggression disguised as discernment.
And grace without truth isn’t really gracious. Rather, it is codependency disguised as love.

Scott Sauls

This is the hard balance we try to navigate.

Photo by Leio McLaren (@leiomclaren) on Unsplash

Some of us lean towards grace, but are afraid of speaking truth. We hate the discomfort. We want people to like us.

Others lean towards truth telling. We are justice oriented, committed to right and wrong. We feel it’s most important not to let an offense slide.

How do we live like Jesus in these complicated relationships?

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John 1:14

You know the TSA motto? “If you see something, say something.”  Maybe it applies to relationships too…with a caveat.

Regardless of how you feel, if you see something positive in the other –  anything “excellent or praiseworthy” call it out! Affirm! Cheer! Celebrate!

But… If you see/feel something negative or wounding? That’s trickier.

Maybe say something, but first sit with it in the presence of God. Ask yourself:

  1. Why do I feel offended? Is this about me and some wound from my past, or is this about them?
  2. What is my part in this offense? Owning that is part of the “say something” too.
  3. If I talk to the other about this, is my motive one of blessing and bringing life (even if it is hard or uncomfortable), or do I just want to make myself feel better by telling them what a mean person they are?

What matters more to us—that we successfully put others in their place, or that we are known to love well? God have mercy on us if we do not love well because all that matters to us is being right and winning arguments.

scot sauls

4. Will this person be able to “hear” truth from me (as opposed to someone else), right now, and receive it in a way that is helpful? My spiritual director pointed out that timing is important. Look at Jesus’ words:

“I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t handle them now.”

John 16:12

Ohmygosh I have gotten this wrong sooooo many times!  Know that as I post this, I’m stumbling along, asking Jesus to grow me in this area.

A friend of ours recently said, “You can say anything as long as you say it at the right time and in the right key.” Paul said it like this:

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6

What about you? You KNOW I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community connection, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)

How To Live in the Tension of Relationships that are…Complicated, Part 1

January 13, 2020 /

I grew up in a classic TV “Leave it to Beaver” type home. No, my mom didn’t wear pearls while vacuuming, but life was predictable. You were kind to people and they were kind to you. You made mistakes, but you owned them, asked forgiveness, and it was given.

Life was simple. Safe. We were far from perfect (ahem), but I wasn’t aware of any drama growing up. My parents didn’t gossip, and they didn’t “ice” people out when there was conflict.

Boy did I get a wake-up call in adulthood! Relationships can be…complicated, right?

Someone criticizes us, or hurts our feelings…to our face, or worse, behind our back.

Several years ago, my husband John and I sat with a friend and colleague as he spewed criticism with such intensity and vitriol that it felt physical, like a bucket of bitterness was being dumped on our heads. John listened long and then said, “You’re right. We may not agree on everything, but here are two places where I think I made mistakes.” He proceeded to name them specifically.

After that, I waited for our friend to respond with some recognition of the possibility that perhaps his perspective was limited, or he also might be fallible. I hoped at least, for a recommitment to partnership in ministry, or acknowledgment of God’s redemptive power, but it never came.

Hard stuff to swallow. My journals reflect how much I have wrestled with what, if anything, to do in response.

Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. What do you do?

It seems we often move to one of two extremes when someone offends us.

  1. We lob “truth” grenades – hurling an explosive angry tirade towards the other (often in an email or even on social media), and then retreating to our bunker.

Or…

2. We stuff our resentment in the guise of “grace”, paste on a smile, and never address it.

Both may feel safe, but really? Maybe we’re just cowards either way.

In Scripture we’re told:

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing….” 1 Peter 3:9

But what does that look like in real life?

Usually in complicated relationships there’s plenty of blame to go around. We tend to magnify the ways we feel mistreated and minimize our own responsibility. I know I do!

Instead, we need to both ask for forgiveness, and offer forgiveness where needed.

Forgiveness is a way of blessing the other. Forgiveness says ” I want God’s best for you regardless of what you’ve done to me.”

In a Psychology Today article, Ryan Howes writes:

…reconciliation is an interpersonal process where you dialogue with the offender about what happened, exchange stories, express the hurt, listen for the remorse, and begin to reestablish trust. It’s a much more complicated, involved process that includes, but moves beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness is solo, reconciliation is a joint venture.

Ryan howes

Forgiveness is always possible, and so is redemption, but reconciliation is not. We are called to forgive no matter what, but if the other person is not willing to engage or own their part, you may not be able to reconcile the relationship. Even without reconciliation God can always, always redeem the pain though, if we look to Him to teach us through it.

What does it look like to choose blessing, to be “for” the other person whether they have been kind to you, or not?

Maybe, beyond forgiveness, it means praying for the other as authentically as you can.

Lord, I pray that You would pour out your love and mercy on friends who have hurt us. Help me to see the pain that may be motivating their words and actions. Help me to extend grace to them as You do to me.

What have you learned about navigating conflict? I’ll post more on this next week, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)

5 Responses When You’re Caught in the Middle of Conflict

August 19, 2019 /

Relationships. Ahhh they can be so complicated, right? If you’re like me, you need constant encouragement to keep working with the Lord on transformation in this area. So here’s another updated repost that I need to read to myself!

Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we’re still stuck between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world filled with pain and pride and power struggles.

We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, fighting, and falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.

John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends who are in the muck and mire of broken trust, accusations, and differing points of view. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded people who I trust are each doing their best to understand and respond with grace.

Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”

As we grieve each day, and exchange notes and calls of support for all involved, I ask over and over, “What do I know to do and not do? What is my role?”

Here’s what I believe God may be trying to teach me: 

  1. Pray, pray, and pray some more. I am praying fervently for each person involved. This is drawing me closer to God, the only One who knows all hearts and the only One who can bring truth, justice, and reconciliation. Only God can reveal, redeem, restore. I am praying more than ever given the fallout, longing for understanding and God’s intervention.

“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thes. 5;17

2. Choose your words carefully. What are we not to do? Gossip, judge, take sides… Our only job is to take responsibility for our actions and love everyone always. I need to ask myself:

  • Are my words and actions life-giving in this situation?
  • Am I asking questions instead of giving answers?
  • Am I speaking the truth in love?

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

3. Examine your heart. The verse that keeps coming to mind is “The heart is deceitful above all things.” My heart. Your heart. My friends’ hearts.

Lately my prayer has been “Lord show me MY blindspots. Show me if I have unaddressed sin. Show me if I have caused pain inadvertently and give me the courage to respond with humility and contrition.”

Who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Psalm 19:12

4. Pay attention and learn. Satan is crafty beyond belief. Never, in a million years could we have imagined the scenario our friends are in. We are not to live in fear of Satan, but as wise followers of Jesus who have an enemy determined to thwart His work in the world. We need to be aware and prepared. One of the things I’ve learned by observing my friends in such difficult circumstances is not to isolate myself from those who may ask hard questions to hold me accountable.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lionlooking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

5. Humble yourself. Each of us must come to the Lord and each other with a posture of total humility, and a desire to question for greater understanding, treating everyone with love and respect.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13

Friends, we are all such messes. We all have so much stuff that needs forgiveness. Where would we be without an Easter God who knows us and loves us still, sending Jesus to die for our sins?

Anyone else have experiences to share in this area of friendship? Check out Psalm 25 as a good prayer for these days.

5 Ways to Respond When Leaders Prove Human

April 3, 2018 /

Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we still live between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world still filled with pain and pride and power struggles. We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.

John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends and colleagues who are in the muck and mire of a very public ministry mess. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded leaders who I trust are each doing their best to respond as accusations are leveled and the media spins sensational headlines.

Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”

Continue reading

3 Questions to Ask Before You Post on Social Media

August 4, 2017 /

Recently, a friend of mine was waiting in her van to pick up her son at soccer practice, like you do when it’s summer, and you have kids and 99% of your time is spent shuttling kids to activities.

She idled there with the car running, two littles napping in the back seat, when suddenly she was startled by someone pounding on her window.  She had accidentally pulled partially into one of three handicapped spaces, waiting for her son to come to the car.  A mother with a handicapped child at home, didn’t approach her to question for better understanding, or respectfully point out her mistake, but instead, pounded and yelled repeatedly for her to move.

The offended mother then took a picture of my friend’s car with the license plate and posted it on Facebook, with publicly shaming remarks, a distortion of the situation, and no chance for explanation or apology. This escalated, with FB readers weighing in, suggesting all kinds of retribution against my friend who had made an innocent mistake.

So here’s what my friend did. After some investigation, she discovered the angry woman had a blog, so she read it all, trying to better understand her. She then wrote a letter of apology for her mistake, attaching some hydrangeas and a bag of peanut m&m’s (which she learned the woman liked from reading her blog), and dropped it in her mailbox.

The woman made it known she has no interest in talking with my friend, so that’s that, right?  I don’t think so. Who knows the pain this woman is carrying and how this small act of grace and peace-seeking may be a seed that will bear fruit in the future?

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

My friend’s experience is just one story – #ouch! Young, old, single, parent, retired… It doesn’t matter. Most of us navigate the mine field of social media on a daily basis. When we’re dinged we need to question for better understanding, and respond with grace. But what about our responsibility as posters?

What’s happened to civil discourse and respectful problem-solving?

 

Here are 3 additional questions we might ask before posting:  

  1. Is this helpful and constructive? Will this promote dialog and understanding, or am I lobbing a “hand-grenade”?

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Col. 4:6

2. Why do I want to post this? Is it coming from a place of hurt? need for attention? anger?

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23, 24

3. Would I feel comfortable saying this directly to my parents, employer, friends of a different faith or political party?

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building othersup according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Eph. 4:29

Those are a few of my thoughts. What would you add?

You might also be interested in this post on “Crucial Conversations”.

 

 

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How You Can Bring World Peace with Three Words

May 1, 2016 /

I’m driving to lunch, and talking to Mom on my cell phone. “I’m going to meet an Imam!” (I say excitedly)

Mom: You’re going to meet a New Mom??! (she says just as excitedly)

Me: No, but that’s ok, I had to Google the difference between an “Imam” and a “Sheik” this morning. I’m a newbie.

All I know is we’re not meeting at “Porkbellys” as Mom calls it.

I’ve always been globally aware, but I blame my friends Lynne and Todd for encouraging this newer socially awkward 5-year-old me who anxiously says, “Will you be my friend?” to people of different colors, faiths, political orientations…Even Vegans, for Pete’s sake.

I’m convinced that World Peace may start with the three words, “Let’s Do Lunch”. 

We need to get up close and personal with those different from us, but it takes some effort when Jews are the most different-from-me folks in my neighborhood.

We need to be “neighboring” rather than “othering”, and for someone to become a “neighbor” rather than an “other” requires a conversation…the beginning of a relationship.

Anyway, John is meeting with this Imam and I feel like a toddler begging, “Let me come too! I wanna be friends too!”

I have QUESTIONS! I really want to understand those who are different from me – especially Muslims who have been so “otherized” by the media.

As I walk into Ciao Bella I wonder if our Imam will look askance at me wearing jeans and Converse sneakers.

We sit down together and fortunately, Asad is extremely gracious and patient as I pepper him with stuff like, “Will it offend you if I have bacon in my salad?” (No, those are my dietary laws, not yours.” Smile.)

FullSizeRender-98

Asad orders fish for lunch, has a wife but no kids, and lives in the suburbs.

He says information and statistics aren’t as important as plain old proximity. He says if you have a pediatrician or a car mechanic who is a Muslim, it goes a long way to put a check in your spirit when the media paints them all as terrorists.

Still, Asad does give us some facts:

  • Part of being a Muslim means loving and following Jesus.
  • Mary, the mother of Jesus is mentioned more times in the Koran than in the Bible.
  • Only 20% of Muslims are Arabs, but our stereotypes of Islam come exclusively from the Arab world.
  • Muslims and Christians together make up 50% of the world. By 2040 they will make up 2/3 of the world population. If Muslims and Christians can’t get along then World Peace doesn’t stand a chance.

Why am I being painfully vulnerable, sharing my faltering attempts to make new friends? 

I believe World Peace can start with a step as small as lunch. We can do this! (We could start a new peace-making service called “It’s Just Lunch” if it wasn’t already taken!) We can de-Trumpize rhetoric, but it needs to begin with us.

“We all have some responsibility to do one activity that leaps across the chasms of segmentation that afflict this country.” David Brooks

John, Asad, and I leave lunch with a plan to gather 75 people from our church to attend a dinner at Asad’s mosque during Ramadan. We’ll go, we’ll listen, we’ll make friends.

The start of world peace.

Who can you invite to lunch this week?

 

Lessons from Hurting People

March 6, 2016 /

Who’s that person or group of people who hurt you deeply?  What are those words you can’t forget? That betrayal? The rejection, dismissal, even persecution you’ve endured that left a wound?

Maybe it was long, long ago. Or yesterday.

After time, you may even be able to insulate yourself and forget it for an hour, or a day, or even a week.

But then someone says something. Or does something. Or you see something out of the corner of your eye.

That wounded place gets bumped and it hurts, and you realize you need to forgive again. And again.

Because hurting people hurt people. Continue reading

You Do You

October 12, 2015 /

A few weeks ago a friend asked me to be on a panel of women peace-makers at a conference for peacemakers. These are courageous women who are all in. They are PEACE-MAKERS.

I’m more of a peace-wanter.

My exact text response was “Are you freaking KIDDING me??!” I felt I was totally unqualified to be on the platform with women who are on the front lines in Israel, Palestine, Fergusson…

And I was, but they wanted me anyway and the reason I eventually said “yes” was because I think I’m like many of you who need a little encouragement that we all have a part to play.

We’re the “small things” people , the cheerleaders and the story-tellers and that’s ok, at least for a start.

FullSizeRender-37

When I got home, I was listening to a podcast message by Clay Scroggins and heard a phrase that was new to me. It’s really stuck in regard to my role in WORLD PEACE. Continue reading

5 Questions About…Forgiveness

October 3, 2014 /

This “5 Questions about…” post is by my dear, courageous friend who  would like to remain anonymous for now.  I know you’ll be blessed and inspired by her powerful story.

1.  You have an amazing husband and an adorable baby boy – a healthy, Jesus-loving family, but your own family growing up wasn’t so healthy.  Can you give us a little background?

I feel humbled and grateful that the Lord answered my prayers and hearts desire for this family of mine.  Although the Lord took hold of me and I of Him as a little girl, I have kept many unhealthy secrets along the way. 

I was conceived out of wedlock to  a mother who wanted to abort me and a father who almost did. He has told me, ” I had a vivid dream that God told me to keep you and on the way to the abortion clinic, I convinced your mother to keep you”. Continue reading

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