Tag: loss (Page 2 of 2)

When God’s Good Work Doesn’t Seem Good

October 7, 2013 /

Tuesday morning at 2:11 a.m. our friends’ baby took one last breath and slipped into the hands of Jesus.  Gentle, healing hands much bigger than ours.

Her parents have known for six months as she fought to grow in her mama’s tummy, that short of a miracle, her breaths would be few, if at all.

Every time the doctors asked if they wanted to abort, they gently said “No”, grateful when the question stopped coming.  They are strong.  They cling to Jesus.

With a good idea of what was ahead, they read with faith and heartache, “I knit you together in your mother’s womb.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”  But she was. Continue reading

Nothing to Lose

August 9, 2013 /

This week I’m live blogging at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit for their partner, Engage.  I hope you’ll take a look!  Meanwhile, it’s Fearless Friday.  I’m reposting something from three years ago.  Hope it speaks to you!

The other day a friend shared something exciting with me.

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but instead of being able to rejoice in what was added to her life, I felt sad and small, focusing on what it felt like had been taken from mine.

It feels like the cup of life that is mine – that which is special to me alone, is so tiny. And it felt like for her to receive what she did, some of what was “mine” had to be poured out, leaving me with less. Kind of like spilled milk.

I didn’t like what this stirred up in me and I didn’t want to pay attention and look deeper because I was pretty sure it would reveal more insecurity and selfishness and ugliness about me.

But I gave in and grudgingly asked, “Lord, what do you have to show me about Yourself and myself in this?”

Continue reading

Why my Daughter is Crying

April 22, 2013 /

As I may have mentioned Most people within a five hundred mile radius know that our daughter Maggie is getting married.  34 days, 9 hours and 27 minutes from this moment.

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I’m not gonna kid you.  We’ve experienced kind of a perfect wedding storm of crazy that totally caught us off-guard.  And there have been quite a few tears (also unusual).

The other day, daughter Katy passed along this tumblr that a guy started – Why My Son is Crying* – recording pictures and the reason why he was crying with each shot.  Maybe some of you know about this and I’m just late to the party (as usual).

Some of my favorite reasons for his tears are:

  • Buzz Lightyear’s knee is bent.
  • It took me longer than 0 seconds to take off his shirt.
  • I touched his foot with my foot.
  • We wouldn’t let him drink whiskey.
  • We wouldn’t let him open the hotel door and run naked through Times Square.

If you have been a parent for more than the time it took me to write this sentence, you can relate.

2 months old, 2 years old, 25 years old.  Our kids cry.  And sometimes when they’re little (rarely) it’s hard not to laugh at the absurdity.  But mostly tears break our hearts and we just want to fix whatever is wrong.

Continue reading

When You Feel Like You’re Losing Yourself

April 10, 2013 /

“We are all so ruined, so loved, and in charge of so little.” Anne Lamott

Our daughter Maggie is getting married in 46 days.

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When she got engaged in November many people asked with concern in their voices “How are you doing?”

“Great!” I responded.  “Austin (her fiancé) is terrific and I’m excited for them!”

And then, last week, driving down highway 100 at 4:00 in the afternoon, thinking of the possibility that Maggie and Austin may move to California (you know, like, at the opposite end of the world, and a continent away from daughter Katy), I found myself sobbing and thinking “I’m NOT ok!  I’m losing my baby!  I’m losing my family!  I’m losing my identity! I hate change!”

I. Am. Out. Of. Control.

Yes, I was a tad over-dramatic, but give me my moment.

Everything feels like it’s slipping, slipping, slipping out of my hands, out of my control, like the gooey “gak” I used to make with the kids when they were little.

Change.  Loss.  New beginnings.

I’m not the only one.  I have young friends who are graduating, some going back to school, and others who are moving, some taking big new risks.  My sister-in-law after much prayer, just resigned from a job she’s loved for years.

Continue reading

Endings and Beginnings

September 3, 2012 /

Today is Labor Day.  The unofficial end to summer.  For me it’s been my favorite summer ever.

But it was August 16th when this is what I found.

The very first glimmer of Fall.  An ending and a beginning.

I texted this picture to John, Katy, and Maggie and got two different responses:

Continue reading

How do you prepare for Easter?

April 2, 2012 /

Do you ever feel like an Easter failure?  I do.

I’m not a very good Easter person.

It doesn’t help that usually the season in Minnesota is exceedingly ugly and inevitably it sleets or snows on Easter morning which makes celebrating resurrection and new life a little tough, but still…

Every year I pray to more fully enter into a deeper gut-understanding of what Christ did for me.  And what it means.

And I feel guilty that I don’t FEEL it more deeply.  That I’m not more horrified at my sin.  That I can’t better enter into the pain of the cross.

I pray.  I read the accounts of Jesus’ suffering for me.  And I wonder, with Paul, why “God didn’t lose His temper and do away with the whole lot of us.  Instead, immense in mercy, and with incredible love, He embraced us.  He took our sin – dead lives and made us alive in Christ.  He did this all on His own, with no help from us!” (Eph. 2:4-6 MSG)

It’s just incomprehensible.

How can any of us grasp this?  Both how wrong we are and how much we’re loved?

If I had to choose a life verse, I’d probably choose Deuteronomy 30:19 and 20 “This day I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.  Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life…”

Choose life.  I’m all about life.  I want to choose life-giving actions, words, relationships, experiences…

But as I’ve been reflecting on Holy Week, it’s all about the death that we must journey through to get to life.  So I’m thinking that in order to prepare to celebrate the resurrection of Easter, this week it would be good to choose death.   In a way.

I have a few ideas, of how to do Easter with Jesus, but they’re just awkward attempts…kind of like when I’m throwing bean bags playing Cornhole and have no form, but am all about hopeful.

As we move into Holy Week, I’d really love to hear from you what you are doing to enter in, to prepare your hearts.  Here are a few of my “death practices”…

1.  I wrote on Ash Wednesday about my non-Catholic self, processing Lent.  Yesterday I told Katy and Maggie that I was contemplating a fruit and yogurt fast for Holy week to make myself more aware of loss and to cleanse my body as a mirror of the cleansing of my soul that Jesus makes possible.  I was nervous to tell anyone because I’m terrible at any kind of fast, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be held accountable and I was relieved when I told them because they were like “You can’t do THAT, Mom!  That’s unhealthy!” and they gave me an easy out if I wanted it, but I’m choosing different kinds of fasts – “losing” something each day throughout the week – food, internet, phone, t.v….

2.  I’m “Examening”.  I’m not an icon gal, but I’ve found this palm cross on my bedside table is a great reminder to practice the Examen before I go to sleep – to look back over my day, replaying the different interactions like video clips, paying attention to when I felt the most alive to Jesus and when He seemed absent because I let sin get in the way.  I always do this looking for life and praying with gratitude, but this week in particular I want to make sure I’m paying attention to death.  To the sin I need to grieve and ask forgiveness for.

3.  I’m trying to enter into the pain of friends and family who are experiencing loss and death right now.  These are the people I want to be praying for, listening to, sitting with, and writing to this week.

4.  And I’m trying to (ever so inadequately) walk this week of loss with Jesus, through a couple favorite devotionals that simply invite me into Scripture, lectio-like.  No commentary.

These are just my feeble attempts to do Easter with Jesus.  But the good news is, even if I fail at all of them, even if I still don’t really “get” it, Jesus will still rise on Sunday and each time I mess up I can be forgiven and He’ll say, “Let’s start again.”

Please share with us…what are you doing to prepare for Easter?

What Formed You in 2011?

December 30, 2011 /

Tuesday night was daughter Maggie’s last night at home and I asked the family what they felt had been the most formative relationship, experience or spiritual practice for each of them this past year.  Like, what has God used to mold us into people who are hopefully more like Him?

I’m thankful they’re a patient, gracious bunch and they humor me when I pose these questions from time to time (As a side note however, we have totally bombed at the Crosby family Scripture memory challenge, but that’s another story).  In answer to the formation question, what the two girls shared was related to a spiritual practice.  For my husband, John it was an experience.  How would you answer that question?

Mine was an experience too.  For me, processing loss  that I’ve experienced on a bunch of different fronts over the past few years, was what I felt God used to form a deeper understanding of His character resulting in greater peace.

As I processed the losses I struggled to trust that God was still at work on my behalf for His glory.  At one point this year I was riding my bike and in my spirit I ranted, “God I keep showing up, but it sure doesn’t feel like You are!”

And quietly, gently, I sensed the Holy Spirit respond, “Oh yes I am.”

And in that moment I realized that I was equating “showing up” with ACTION.  My way.  My time! (like immediately).

After that little interaction, God kept bringing to mind example after example to correct my misperception.

“You may have experienced loss, but…

I am at work in unseen ways like with Elisha, surrounding him with horses and chariots (2 Kings 6:15-17)

I am never late.  I have a plan like with Lazarus (John 11)

I hear and respond whether you see it right away or not like with Daniel (Daniel 10:12-13).”

“God is a God who sometimes hides Himself but never a God who absents Himself; sometimes in the dark, but never at a distance.”  Matthew Henry

We’re all works in process, right?  We’ve never arrived.  But I think my answer to “What has formed you?” would be wrestling with God in loss.  And what He seems to be forming is trust and peace.  Slowly but surely.  What about you?

As you look back on 2011 what has been the most formative relationship, experience, or spiritual practice in your life?  What do you think God desires to form in you through it?

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