Tag: loneliness (Page 1 of 2)

Edward* and Jesus

November 12, 2022 /

A grande skim mocha, extra hot, no whip, is one of my love languages and a luxury I indulge in every morning instead of breakfast. I know, I know. Let me live.

Some mornings very early I bike with my coffee to a beautiful spot nearby, but when my extroverted self needs the hum and hubbub of other humans around, I stay for a couple hours at Starbucks – spend time with Jesus and writing or prepping to speak.

There is a socially awkward man, Edward*, who is also there very early every morning. He looks like he should be a clerk at a rare bookshop in London, but his actual job is working at a grocery store nearby here in Minneapolis. I’m guessing he’s on the Autism spectrum. He’s single, bald, with glasses, and always alone. Sometimes he brings a paper bag with a boiled egg from home for his breakfast. He just sits, staring out the window, but his face lights up when I come in.

He seems lonely so I try to be friendly for a reasonable amount of time (60 seconds?). Remember that time I posted on Instagram about seeing something and saying something?

I say “Hi” and comment on the weather and ask him if he’s working today and if he prefers his newspaper to online. Then I make a point of putting my earbuds in and moving on with my day. He returns to staring out the window.

Here’s the thing. On the days Edward doesn’t work, I wonder if I’m the only person who speaks to him. This morning as I put my earbuds in, the Holy Spirit whispered, “As you did it to the least of these, you did it to Me.”

I think about Jesus and Edward. Would Jesus spend unlimited time talking to him? How much time is enough to love Edward well? I mean Jesus had other people to meet and heal too, right? Which of the things on my “to do list” would Jesus think was more important than talking to Edward?

We can’t love people in a hurry.

I thought of Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4 – another person, who although she had several husbands, seemed to be isolated, outcast and lonely. Or Matthew the tax collector, or Zacchaeus. Jesus was a first class noticer and an inviter.

Jesus’ life was full of holy interruptions He made time for.

I heard someone say we need to “Walk through life at the speed of love.”

Even when I was super stressed with a long to-do list and two active toddlers to care for, my mentor said, “If you’re too busy to take a pot of soup to someone, you’re too busy.”

Or maybe today she’d say “If you’re too busy to talk to Edward, you’re too busy.”

Yes, I know there are seasons when you’re caring for too many others, or your health is compromised in some way, or your husband is MIA and you’re the one in need of soup. Be gentle with yourself and accept the help or the companionship of Jesus who shows up in the guise of a stranger at Starbucks or a pot of soup on your doorstep.

But if you can, take time for holy interruptions like Edward.

*Not his real name.

What’s at the Root of Your Loneliness and What Can You Do About it?

September 10, 2022 /

Recently, a pastor I was listening to, shared some information that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about (and not in a happy clappy way).

Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, scientists experimented with a closed ecological system in Arizona called Biosphere 2. I don’t do science or math and maybe you don’t either, but stick with me.

They created rainforest, ocean, wetlands, savannah, and desert inside a dome in order to see if something similar could be used in outer space.

Here’s what happened. The trees grew quickly, but then fell over!  One commentator said, “the lack of wind created trees with much softer wood than that species would normally make in the wild. They grew more quickly than they did in the wild, but were harmed in the long run as a consequence.” 

This stuck with me because I’ve been thinking about how much comfort and convenience has become an idol in our (MY!) lives.

We’re so committed to comfort and convenience through technology that there is less and less “wind” in our lives to help deepen our relational roots with God and others.

Think about some of the ways we try to prevent any relational wind in our lives.

  • We order through Amazon, or mobile order our coffee so we don’t have to interact with an actual person who may be irritating to us, and we get what we want as quickly as we want. Like magic!

  • We attend online church (if we attend at all) so we can cherry-pick the communicator we like, with the music we like, at the time we like, and fast-forward through anything that might be boring or challenge our status quo.

  • We keep our heads down, eyes on our phone screens to protect us from awkward social situations and prevent us from ever having a moment to look around and be present to God and others.

  • We stream movies so we don’t have the inconvenience of driving to a theater, or text an excuse and bail at the last minute because we don’t feel like going out.

We choose to be consumers at the cost of community.


Again, I really don’t want to think about this, but I see 3 consequences of this abundantly technological life of no wind:

1. It gives us the misperception that we are God.

We are in control of all of the things, so what need do we have of fostering a closer relationship with the true sovereign God? Is technology our new tower of Babel? Where we originally got off track was in our desire to be autonomous. To “be” God. We’re not. He knows what we don’t know. He sees what we don’t see. He is our good and sovereign creator. We were meant for a dependent relationship with Him.

2. It isolates us,

preventing us from the comforting and spiritually formative relationships God created us for.

A new report suggests that 36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.”

The effect of all this technology is comfort, yes, but also isolation. Loneliness. Connection comes at a cost.

A friend of mine had been a barista for years, but recently quit, partly because with mobile orders there was so little of the human interaction he loved.

3. It makes us less grateful.

We just moved back from the Bay area of California where the weather is close to perfect. Basically 72 degrees and sunny. Every. Day. (almost).

That’s great, but you start to take it for granted. You never have to adjust or adapt. Someone I knew planned an outdoor wedding with no contingency plan for bad weather!

Here in Minnesota I think we are over-the-top obnoxious about our gorgeous summers and falls because the winters are so harsh. The grit makes us more aware of the gift.

We can’t control the weather, but the ability to adjust the thermostat of our lives in so many areas dulls our senses to the work of God and His image in others.

SO WHAT??! Why choose what feels inconvenient? We’re weary of all the “wind” of the war and the economy and politics and Covid.

Deep breath. That’s not what I’m talking about. Instead of giving into the anxiety that these things produce, maybe pray:

Lord, today, may I not forget my need of you.

May I look up and around more than I look down at my phone.

Help me to listen with my eyes as well as my ears.

Prompt me to pause to pet puppies, compliment the cute dress on the stranger in line at the grocery store, make the soup for a sick friend, go next door to welcome the new neighbors, and bike to church even when the preacher of the day isn’t my favorite.

Make me a world-class noticer of the longing, the loneliness, the battered and the beautiful, all around me.

When I see something, remind me to say something – “thanks”, “sorry”, “wow.“

May I show up when it’s easier to shut down.

May I be a truth-teller and a grace-giver instead of a canceler of relationships when things get uncomfortable.

May connecting with You and others trump comfort, and may commitment take priority over the convenience of staying home.

Amen

How to Combat One Feeling We All Deal With

September 3, 2019 /

Want some good news/bad news?

Recently I heard about a church in Thailand that gives out cupcakes every Sunday to those who have had a birthday that week. Sounds pretty great, right?

But why do they do this? Because in Thailand, when someone gives their life to Christ, often times family will disown them. Isolation and loneliness can lead to despair. This church says, “If no one will sing happy birthday to you, we will! We will be your family. Biblical community is important.”

You may not experience loneliness because you’ve been disowned by your family, but be honest, you’ve experienced it, right? And it is becoming a bigger issue than ever.

In Japan, so many people are dying alone there is an industry called lonely-death-cleanup. Companies are selling lonely death insurance to owners of apartment buildings to clean up after bodies are found, in order to make the apartment rentable again.

In “The All Better Book”, they asked elementary school kids: With billions of people in the world, someone should be able to figure out a system where no one is lonely. What do you suggest?

I love the answer Kalani gave (she’s 8): People should find lonely people and ask their name and address. Then ask people who aren’t lonely their name and address. When you have an even amount of each, assign lonely and not lonely people together in the newspaper.

Maybe a bit of an administrative challenge, but ok then!

The Bible has something to say about loneliness.

In Genesis we see God declare everything He has made, “good”. The one thing He says that is not good? To be alone. (Gen 2:8).

What is it that keeps us lonely. I can think of several things. Maybe you can add more.

  1. Second-hand living. We’ve become people who watch others online doing things. Researchers have coined the term, “passive consumers”, describing our inclination to live alone together. We have lots of artificial connections through social media, but few real relationships.

2. Self-centeredness. Feeling lonely or left-out is terrible. It’s understandable sometimes if we take to wallowing in a “poor me” place. It’s easy to lose perspective, but what about all the other people out there who are hurting or lonely?

3. New seasons. You may have moved away from home for the first time, or started a new job, or become an empty nester. All of these things affect your relationships. You may not be naturally coming into contact with people who have been important to you in the past.

Scripture says,

God sets the lonely in families.

Psalm 68:6

But how? What’s our part in God’s plan?

To build true community you need to not just be a consumer, but become a contributor.

  • What if you put down your phone and spent more time paying attention, interacting with the people around you?
  • What if you pick up your phone and arranged to meet someone for coffee? Identify some people you’d like to get to know and reach out. Maybe they won’t become your new best friends, but that’s ok. Start somewhere.
  • What if you brainstorm others who might need encouragement, a meal, a hug? Consider a mama with a newborn, the spouse of someone deployed in the military, a college student away from home for the first time, a person newly widowed or divorced?
  • What if you volunteer to serve someplace where there are people with greater needs than your own?
  • One last way you can build community, even if it isn’t face-to-face, is to interact here on the blog. Comment. Get to know others who comment. Encourage them. You all have so much wisdom to share!

Whether here or in real life, let’s commit to becoming more of an Acts 2 community. What have you done or what will you commit to do this week? Share in the comments!

If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away!

Soul Food that Seeks to Make Space for Everyone

August 1, 2019 /
Romans 15:7 ESV from She Reads Truth

With presidential election debates starting, and tweets flying, I’m even more aware of how polarized we have become.

Add to that the isolation that can come with technology and social media and we can drift into loneliness and despair if we don’t fix our eyes on Jesus who made room for all of us.

Here are some resources that help us make space and understand others who are different from us…

If you are a Mama with kids still at home,

if you’re prone to comparison,

if you want to be an advocate for the unique way God created your kids,

if you want your kids or grandkids to understand and value others who are different from them, this is a book for you.

“If we make space in our lives for certain kinds of people, but not others, we will never know the fullness of God, or understand the depth of God’s love for humanity.”

I read Heather Avis’ first book (a memoir), called The Lucky Few about her journey with infertility and adoption of two kids with Down’s Syndrome and one from Haiti. Even if I hadn’t liked that book (I did), and even if I hadn’t heard her talk on this podcast, I think I still would have bought this book just for the title – Scoot Over and Make Some Room!

Another book I loved was this one.

What to Say Next is a fictional story by Julie Buxbaum is about a teenage boy with Aspergers and the friendship that develops between him and a girl who has lost her father in a car accident. This is not written from a Christian worldview, but is a beautiful story about community and understanding.

Also, check out “Tea with Strangers.” Fascinating article on what one man is doing to combat loneliness! https://nyti.ms/2Lo9QvL

And…One of the organizations I love that is working for peace and understanding among Palestinians and Israelis, is The Parents Circle. It was started by Israeli and Palestinian parents who have lost children in the conflict. They are unified by their losses. They work to promote understanding, reconciliation and peace. One of the fascinating ways they do that is through “Embroidering for Peace.”

Palestinian women to teach Israeli women Palestinian embroidery.  Through art and culture, we found a bridge to engage some who would normally shy away from  dialogue activities. 

the parents circle

Also, you might want to go back and look at the “Neighboring Challenge” series of posts I did a couple of years ago.

A couple of Instagram feeds I like that go with this theme…

This is so convicting! Let’s change this statistic! You can hold me accountable!

Lastly, some comfort food! How about inviting someone over for dessert this week? 🙂

Gail’s Peach “Pie” (it’s kind of like a creamy cheesecake with peaches on top – so yummy!)

“Crust”:

  • 3/4 cup flour
  • 1 ts. baking powder
  • 1/2 ts. salt
  • 3 oz. NON-INSTANT vanilla pudding
  • 3 TB soft butter
  • 1/2 cup milk

Beat for 2 minutes. Pour into buttered 10″ glass pie plate. Place a large can of sliced, drained peaches on batter (but RESERVE 3 TB of juice).

Filling:

  • 8 oz. cream cheese
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 3 TB reserved peach juice

Spoon over peaches leaving 1 inch around edges.

Topping:

  • 1 TB sugar
  • 1/2 ts. cinnamon

Mix and sprinkle over filling. Bake at 350 for 30-35 minutes.

What have you been reading, or learning about making space for everyone? I’d love to hear from you!

If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away!

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Neighboring Challenge, Day 3 – Relational Poverty

June 5, 2017 /

Ever feel like you have tons of “friends” on social media, but little deep relational connection?

Ever been at a party, but feel alone?

Are you concerned that your kids are good at texting, but aren’t equipped for many relational situations and face-to-face conversations?

“Relational poverty”, or loneliness is a growing phenomena. I loved listening to a message on Loving the Lonely and thought I’d share a few notes…

Relational poverty = lacking the intimacy and connections to live a meaningful life. You can be with a lot of people and yet feel very alone. There are people around you, but you don’t feel like they care, or that you can open up to them.

Why is relational poverty a growing issue, especially in the west?

  • Breakdown of families
  • Increased mobility – people don’t stay in one place long.
  • Heavy workload – too busy.
  • The rise of social media. We get a glimpse into someone’s life, but not true connection.

Sooo….How did Jesus love the lonely or isolated?

  1. With touch. Matthew 8:1-4

    Jesus came down the mountain with the cheers of the crowd still ringing in his ears. Then a leper appeared and went to his knees before Jesus, praying, “Master, if you want to, you can heal my body.”

    Jesus reached out and touched him, saying, “I want to. Be clean.” Then and there, all signs of the leprosy were gone.

2. By listening.  Ex.: In Luke 24, on the road to Emmaus Jesus asks questions and listens.

v. 17 He asks, “What’s this you’re discussing so intently as you walk along?”

v. 19 He says, “What has happened?”

We can ask others:

  • Tell me your story?
  • How are you doing – REALLY?
  • How can I pray for you?

3. With time. Jesus was busy, but always interruptible.

I’m convicted that even when I’m not technically rushing, I can give off a vibe with my body language that I’m too busy to be present and take time to truly listen and care.

Which of these three can you get better at giving? How do we need these in our neighborhoods?

Neighboring Challenge

  • Bake something and take it to a neighbor you don’t know yet. Here’s what I tried.

Here’s a recipe you can make and take to neighbors from my sister-in-law Jane.

Banana Chocolate Chip Bread

Mix 1/2 cup butter and 1 cup sugar

Add 2 eggs,

1/2 ts. salt

3 large ripe bananas, mashed

1 ts. baking soda dissolved in 1/4 cup warm water

1 3/4 cups flour

Chocolate chips

This makes 2 8×4″ loaves or 3 mini loaves

Bake at 350 for 10 minutes. Reduce to 300 and bake about 50 minutes more (less for mini loaves)

Confession: Most of the time I totally ignore the temp change and just do it for less time.

  • Learn your neighbors’ names. Reach out to everyone living within two houses or apartments on every side of you. Make sure you know their name and contact information. Create a “map” to give to those in your neighborhood to help you better connect.

(YIKES! I am an extrovert! I “do people”! But still, when I did this I was NERVOUS! So, if that’s you, know that you’re not alone! You can do this! Everyone was super nice and grateful I was doing this)

 

 

A Priest, a Levite, and Me at Starbucks

October 4, 2016 /

There’s a new guy who’s been coming to my “office” (read: Starbucks). He’s maybe 45 years old, chubby, with white blond hair. He wears track shorts every day rain, shine, or 50 degrees. He sits in the same chair looking for his next victim someone to talk to.

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I’ve watched him, desperately latching onto anyone who will catch his eye. If someone acknowledges him, however briefly, it’s all over. He will stick to them like a factory tag you forgot to remove from your jeans, trying to make conversation. My judge-y mcjudgerson self thinks he might as well have “EMOTIONALLY NEEDY” written across his forehead.

And so, I’m careful to avert my eyes so I don’t get sucked into his vortex of chattiness. I don’t need this. I don’t need him interrupting my time with JESUS.

And then Jesus tells me a story about another guy in need by the side of the road, and a priest and a Levite who avert their eyes, crossing to the other side in order not to be  inconvenienced by the messiness of this stranger’s life.

But then, the least likely suspect, (maybe it would  be a white supremacist stopping to help an African American today), draws near and cares for the man’s needs. Jesus commends him as the loving neighbor.

I sigh and think “Ok, ok, Lord. I get your point.”

I go to the counter and ask my baristas, “What do you know about the guy who’s been coming in lately? What’s his story?”

“He says he got kicked out of another coffee shop, but he’s trying to be good and he likes it here. He’s got PTSD.”

I pay for his next day’s drink anonymously, feeling self-righteous. I’ve done my “Good Samaritan” thing, ready to move on. But Jesus isn’t done with me yet.

I want to turn away, but Jesus turns towards.

I sense Him gently asking: “Did the Samaritan throw a CVS gift card across the road from a safe distance and let the needy guy buy his own bandages? Is a free drink the only thing this guy needs to feel loved and seen? Have you never been needy or lonely?”

Jesus can be so persistent and inconvenient can’t He??

So this morning I say a quick prayer and brace myself as I walk into Starbucks. I look needy guy straight in the eye, smile, and say “Good morning! I’ve been seeing you here a lot lately. What’s your name?”

5 Things to Do When a Friend is Hurting

March 9, 2015 /

A few weeks ago I wrote about those times when we feel like we’re under water and we’re trying to help a drowning friend, but everything is in slow motion, silent and hollow, and we can’t communicate and it’s so frustrating.

IMG_8964

One of the common elements I notice with friends who are in hard seasons is loneliness. Not necessarily that they are alone, but they feel isolated. We feel bad and we want to fix it or DO something and we don’t know what to say or do.

My friend Betsy Anderson came in and shared on this subject with a community of young married couples I shepherd at church last Sunday.

She is wise and kind and has experienced a tremendous amount of pain herself.  She has written curriculum and taught workshops on caring for each other in community.  I’m not good at this, but I’m learning from her. Here are a few of her good insights: Continue reading

Partying Like Jesus

December 12, 2014 /

Chances are you’ve already been to a holiday party and you may have others looming.  The office party.  The family party.  The cookie exchange. The neighborhood open house.

Me too.

I was out at a party the other night and I had a great time – gorgeous decorations, unbelievable food, fun people, and twinkle lights (how can you not be jolly when there are lots of twinkle lights??!!)IMG_3214But I reflected later that night, looking for times in my day when I sensed the pleasure of Jesus and other times when…welllllll…not so much… (You know, the Examen that I’ve written about before).  I was a bit dismayed.  The party had been a time when I had acted like a self-centered toddler, putting my fingers in my ears so I could ignore the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

And you know what the Holy Spirit kept trying to whisper to me that I didn’t want to hear? Continue reading

Taking Out Drones, and 4 Thoughts about Meaningful Community

August 6, 2014 /

This is a picture of my small group from when we met the other night (with a few missing).

photo-155

Yep, these are my people.  Ready take out drones (which one of us is sure are pervasive and always spying on us).

photo 1-3 In addition to gun-popping, the evening included a potluck of appetizers, brainstorming about beer sleigh-rides, hysterical laughter, and prayer.photo 2-2John can’t get over how loud we are and how we are able to talk over each other in excitement, but still hear and respond.  These are the same yahoos who joined me in an “experimental mutiny against excess” ala Jen Hatmaker.  They are gamers for sure.

But what we were talking about the other night was relationships.  We’ve been using Donald Miller’s Creating Your Life Plan, which is a great set of ten modules looking back to evaluate different areas of your life, and looking forward to set intentional goals. So this week we were mapping out the most significant relationships in our lives and analyzing them.

“The people you hang out with the most over the next 10 years, will determine the kind of person you will become.” Donald Miller

Two of the questions we talked about were:

  • What relationships are positively affecting who I’m becoming?
  • What relationships are negatively affecting who I’m becoming?  What changes can I make or boundaries can I put in place?

I’d encourage you to go through the exercise yourself (or order the whole deal!), but actually it was the tangential conversations we had that have kept me thinking this week.  In addition to getting side-tracked onto talking about beer sleigh rides, we noticed these things:

1. We all experience loneliness to some degree, no matter how healthy or friendly or connected we are.  We long for meaningful relationships and can find them, but no other person will completely satisfy our desire for knowing and being known and completely accepted.  We were made for God and only are complete in Him.  But we are made for each other too, so doing the hard work of finding and investing in meaningful friendships is worthwhile.

2. Different seasons require different degrees of intentionality.  When we are young and/or single, or older and empty-nesters we have more freedom, more choice in our relationships, but we also have to do more initiating.  There aren’t as many relationships naturally built into the rhythm of our life.

For those in a season with kids, there are many years when community is comprised of “have to’s” – the people who are there at the soccer games, or on the PTA committee with you, or parents of your kids’ friends.  You have a lot of relationships built into the rhythm of your life, but not as much time to choose who you’re going to spend time with.  It’s important to identify what choices you do have.

3. There’s a wide variety of relationships where we need change. They may be family members.  They may be unhealthy people.  But they may also be great people who just bring out the worst in us – tempt us to compare or reinforce the negative voices in our head.  It’s important to ask both, “What might God desire to teach me through this relationship?” and “What boundaries might make this relationship healthier?”

4. No matter how extroverted we may be, we all have a limited capacity – a limited number of relationships we can maintain healthily.  And that may differ according to the emotional needs of family in different seasons.  It’s good for us to acknowledge our limits, adjust our expectations, and be gentle with ourselves.

That’s a little of what I’ve been learning about relationships.  That, and pop-guns make any gathering more fun.  What about you?  What are you learning or struggling with in this area?

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Questions About…Risk

July 11, 2014 /

Photo 50

Sharon is a dear friend who both inspires and intimidates me with her amazingness.  She has guest-posted here before.  I’m so thankful that in the midst of a busy, stressful time, she was willing to share some more of what she’s learning.  Here’s the next in our 5 Questions About…series.

1. Recently you took what must have felt like a huge risk. Can you tell us about it?

Eight months ago, I resigned from a job I had loved and made the leap to running my own business. This happened after an extended season of prayer and discernment, so by the time I made the change, I felt certain it was the right thing to do.

Yes, there were practical risks involved: leaving a certain income, benefits, 401K; losing the familiarity of my office and team. And as a single person, I didn’t have a safety net of a second income, back-up insurance, or a support person to pick up slack in other areas of life. But I was also very clear about why I was making the change: 1) to be faithful to what I understood God was putting in my hands; 2) to learn and grow through a new challenge.

So when I framed it that way, I realized that even if my business failed (and I had to move into my parents’ basement), I would experience God in deeper ways and learn things I wouldn’t otherwise. Continue reading

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