“Are you playing in the Tennis Invitational this year?”
My friend had no idea that would be a painful question, but it was.
I’m a relative newbie to the game of tennis. I was only able to start playing a few years ago after back surgery. After looking down my nose at “women who tennis”, I’m embarrassed by how much I love it. I am passionate about improving and I work hard. I love the community of players I’ve gotten to know.
This experience may sound sooo ridiculous in light of, you know…real life pain around the world, but stick with me.
Every year there is a “Tennis Invitational” at our courts. It’s a day and a half event of friendly competition with dinner. Super fun.
I wasn’t even aware of it for a long time. Probably because it’s for “better players”.
Then 3 years ago the coaches were desperate at the last minute and asked me to sub in. Same thing happened 2 years ago. Last year I was invited to play for real.
This year? Crickets. Nothing. I was uninvited.
Those are the facts.
I felt confused and hurt, especially when I discovered a friend who plays at my level was invited.
The narratives I constructed to try to make sense of the facts?
- They think I’m getting worse instead of better.
- Someone complained about my level of play last year.
- It was a clerical error last year and I was invited by mistake.
- They have an age limit. They don’t want me because I’m “old”.
- One of the coaches is mad at me.
All these “stories” motivate me to feel self-conscious, wary, and discouraged.
What if there’s another story that I’m not aware of?
There’s a difference between facts and the story we tell ourselves.
Example: A friend cancels plans with you three times in a row.
That’s a fact.
The story you may tell yourself is that she doesn’t value your friendship anymore. You are not important to her.
Example: You reach out to two different guys on a dating app and neither of them responds to you.
That’s a fact.
The story you tell yourself is that you’re “undatable”. You aren’t pretty enough.
Unless we are covered in Teflon, we tend to gravitate towards the worst interpretation of events.
But what if there’s another story? How do we know what’s true?
As I’ve been grappling with situations like this in my own life, two action steps have come to mind.
- Inquire for better understanding. Go to the source. Yikes! This feels hard, risky, vulnerable. It’s also not always possible or realistic to go directly to the other person (like with a dating app). But, when possible, being honest about the facts, and your feelings, and asking for additional information or the true narrative may be the best course of action. With the dating example, it might be wise to ask a close friend who may have some insight that will be helpful.
2. Ask God for His perspective. Facts are facts. Maybe you’re not as good as you thought you were. Maybe your friend has moved into a new season without you. Maybe there are issues you need to work on to become a healthier date. But what story is God writing? What qualities might He want to develop in you?
- Perseverance? James 1:2-4
- Humility? 1 Peter 5:5-9
- Dependence? Psalm 62:5-8
Is it possible you’re giving the people in your life more power to say who you are than God? Remember in Genesis 3:10-11 when Adam was ashamed in the Garden of Eden and God asked him “Who told you that…?” God’s implication was “Not me…I’m not the one who told you to be ashamed.”
P.S. I screwed up my courage and questioned for better understanding. The story was nuanced and made sense. Afterwards I felt lighter, and like I could breathe easier.
Do you struggle with telling yourself all the negative stories?
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