Tag: identity (Page 1 of 4)

Soul Food Across Time Zones

January 30, 2020 /

I do NOT want to sound like a whiny baby. I am acutely aware of our tremendous blessings as we continue this adventure of cross-cultural ministry in Switzerland!

But I also need to be honest. It’s hard keeping up with a bunch of different communities and ministry commitments in different countries at the same time. There are a lot of balls in the air right now, and this one – the blog – is one that’s easiest to drop. Sorry I’ve been inconsistent!

I tried to bake for the first time last week and it was a total disaster! There’s no mixer in the kitchen where we’re staying, but there is an immersion blender (go figure). So I tried to use it, and butter and sugar flew everywhere!

Plus they don’t sell vanilla here and I accidentally used baking SODA instead of baking POWDER (darn German language!) #fail.

However, I did try this new SUPER easy recipe for Coconut Braised Chicken with Sweet Potatoes that was a winner, fusing Thai and Indian flavors. (note I’m keeping with the international theme). One note – I used all coconut milk with no broth after reading the comments.

We continue to be stretched and enriched in this season, learning about communication, conflict, unique relational challenges, and theological differences across cultures.

On Monday and Tuesday I had the joy of visiting a friend in the mountains and making a new friend from China. What a tremendous blessing it is to learn from people of other countries and cultures!

Our conversation ranged from the Coronavirus to how to make dumplings to why most Asians don’t like cheese and why they take pictures of pigeons.

We talked about our respective faith traditions, and the Swiss art of paper-cutting, and the three types of Gruyere cheese.

We discussed the differences between those born in China vs. Hong Kong, the danger of lumping all Asians into one group, and the hard dividing line between being a “come here” and a “born here” in Switzerland.

And speaking of the Coronavirus, this post just wrecked me (Please watch the video – click on link).


This world is a brutally hard & beautifully holy place.
View this post on Instagram

Another new thing for me…For the first time ever I’ve learned of the term “Third Culture Kids” and the research that has been done about this group.

My friend, Katie Bachelor, who has raised her kids in Israel, and now Jordan, posted this on Instagram.

Lastly, a few posts from Instagram to lift your spirits or make you smile…

Your turn! What’s going on with you? Talk to me!

If you receive this in an email, just click on the title and then scroll down on the post to leave a comment. If it’s your first time, it will not appear right away, but don’t worry! It will soon!

As always, I’d love to have you join me over on Instagram! It’s my favorite place for small doses of joy and inspiration!

What Stories are you Telling Yourself That May be Derailing You?

July 23, 2019 /

“Are you playing in the Tennis Invitational this year?”

My friend had no idea that would be a painful question, but it was.

I’m a relative newbie to the game of tennis. I was only able to start playing a few years ago after back surgery. After looking down my nose at “women who tennis”, I’m embarrassed by how much I love it. I am passionate about improving and I work hard. I love the community of players I’ve gotten to know.

This experience may sound sooo ridiculous in light of, you know…real life pain around the world, but stick with me.

Every year there is a “Tennis Invitational” at our courts. It’s a day and a half event of friendly competition with dinner. Super fun.

I wasn’t even aware of it for a long time. Probably because it’s for “better players”.

Then 3 years ago the coaches were desperate at the last minute and asked me to sub in. Same thing happened 2 years ago. Last year I was invited to play for real.

This year? Crickets. Nothing. I was uninvited.

Those are the facts.

I felt confused and hurt, especially when I discovered a friend who plays at my level was invited.

The narratives I constructed to try to make sense of the facts?

  • They think I’m getting worse instead of better.
  • Someone complained about my level of play last year.
  • It was a clerical error last year and I was invited by mistake.
  • They have an age limit. They don’t want me because I’m “old”.
  • One of the coaches is mad at me.

All these “stories” motivate me to feel self-conscious, wary, and discouraged.

What if there’s another story that I’m not aware of?

There’s a difference between facts and the story we tell ourselves.

Example: A friend cancels plans with you three times in a row.

That’s a fact.

The story you may tell yourself is that she doesn’t value your friendship anymore. You are not important to her.

Example: You reach out to two different guys on a dating app and neither of them responds to you.

That’s a fact.

The story you tell yourself is that you’re “undatable”. You aren’t pretty enough.

Unless we are covered in Teflon, we tend to gravitate towards the worst interpretation of events.

But what if there’s another story? How do we know what’s true?

As I’ve been grappling with situations like this in my own life, two action steps have come to mind.

  1. Inquire for better understanding. Go to the source. Yikes! This feels hard, risky, vulnerable. It’s also not always possible or realistic to go directly to the other person (like with a dating app). But, when possible, being honest about the facts, and your feelings, and asking for additional information or the true narrative may be the best course of action. With the dating example, it might be wise to ask a close friend who may have some insight that will be helpful.

2. Ask God for His perspective. Facts are facts. Maybe you’re not as good as you thought you were. Maybe your friend has moved into a new season without you. Maybe there are issues you need to work on to become a healthier date. But what story is God writing? What qualities might He want to develop in you?

  • Perseverance? James 1:2-4
  • Humility? 1 Peter 5:5-9
  • Dependence? Psalm 62:5-8

Is it possible you’re giving the people in your life more power to say who you are than God? Remember in Genesis 3:10-11 when Adam was ashamed in the Garden of Eden and God asked him “Who told you that…?” God’s implication was “Not me…I’m not the one who told you to be ashamed.”

@charliemackesy Instagram

P.S. I screwed up my courage and questioned for better understanding. The story was nuanced and made sense. Afterwards I felt lighter, and like I could breathe easier.

Do you struggle with telling yourself all the negative stories?

I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away!

And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of inspiration, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)

5 Practices to Combat Yard-sticking, Part 1

February 12, 2018 /

99% of the time I love being a cheerleader! It’s easy for me to get excited about the contributions others are making to the kingdom.

I marvel at those who have gifts that I don’t.

Like anything having to do with math. Or spreadsheets. Or budgets. A poker face. Technology. Patience. The ability to not speak every word that comes to mind.

But then there are other moments.

Especially with folks who have similar gifts and talents to mine, I find myself doing what psychologists call “yard-sticking” – the act of comparing yourself to others, particularly people in your own peer group, in a manner that results in feelings of inadequacy or jealousy.

And let me just say, I know you. I’m not alone. There are certain people who, when you hear someone rave about them, or see them on social media being all shiny and successful with “perfect kids” or a “perfect job”, it triggers something sad and hurtful inside you.  You feel diminished. Discounted. And that is not from Jesus.

Clearly, this is not something I’ve mastered, but there are 5 practices that have been helpful to me. I’ll share the first 3 today:

Continue reading

What to do With the Ding

November 15, 2017 /

You’re the only family not invited to a relative’s wedding. You wonder, whaaaat did we do wrong?

Ding.

You send an email with a question and get crickets, leading you to imagine all kinds of crazy scenarios why.

Ding.

A colleague always seems to outshine you, leaving you feeling inadequate.

Ding

Some close friends start avoiding you because they disagree with a leadership decision you made.

Ding.

A family member betrays your trust and disregards a promise, refusing address the issue.

Ding.

These are all real-life dings that friends have shared with me.

Your dings are different, but we all get them. It’s an inevitable part of…well…being us.

A ding can take our emotions hostage if we let it. 

It can bind and gag us, leaving us in a dark basement with feelings of “less than”, shame, and “not good enough”.

I think of Daniel, Shaddrach, Meshach, Abednego – all taken captive in Babylon.

In spite of the power being exerted over them, they chose not to let their spirits be taken hostage. They trusted in the Lord – His values, His opinion, His calling on their lives, not Nebuchadnezzar’s.

But think what intention this required! The temptation to cower, compromise, compare, or conclude they were second-class would have been constant. How many times did they repeat something like this to themselves?

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7

So…maybe we should ask a question of our ding:

God, what do YOU say to me? About me?

Confession: It’s easy for me to ASK these questions, but to be still and really listen for the Lord’s answers? Much harder!

Erwin McManus reminds us: “Don’t let an arrow of criticism pierce your heart unless it first passes through the filter of Scripture.” 

Instead of being held hostage by our feelings, can what we’re feeling be liberated by the sword of God’s Word? What perspective, peace, or promise frees us there?

Recently I shared a ding with a friend and she reminded me we are to “respond with the energies of prayer”. She wisely suggested praying: Lord, I welcome You into this ding. Let it bring out the best in me.”

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! … And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

How do YOU deal with the dings?

What’s Your Super-power?

May 15, 2017 /

“If you could have any ‘super-power’ what would it be?”

That was the ice-breaker question posed at a women’s gathering I attended. Peals of laughter could be heard from different small groups around the room as women shared a desire for everything from a “Bewitched” nose twitch to clean their kids’ mess, to a cloaking devise, to the ability to be “beamed up” out of uncomfortable situations.

It’s a fun question to think about, but unfortunately we often seriously compare ourselves to others and think “Oh…I wish I had THAT ‘super-power’!” The gifts and talents others have can seem so “SUPERior” in light of our own that can feel so ordinary.

There are two reasons comparison is so dangerous. When we compare, the result is either pride or despair. Neither are pleasing to God, right? 

As women, I think we’re more prone to the despair end of the spectrum. Satan’s kryptonite seems to be that diabolical little word “as”.

He whispers,

“Not as pretty as…”

Not as good a mom as…”

“Not as popular as…”

“Not as smart as…”

Recently, my small group did a book study, and there is one line from Genesis 3:11 that we have gotten in the habit of repeating to one another when we feel discouraged or “less than”,

This is from Genesis 3: 9-11  when God is talking to Adam:

But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked;so I hid.”

 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked?

God knows HE  didn’t tell Adam he was naked.

Is the message you’re hearing really from God? Or is it from someone else? 

After all, God is the One who said you are fearfully and wonderfully made, the One who said He has created good plans in advance for you to do, the One who said He has called you by name, you are His – His chosen, His beloved, the one He sings over…

So today, instead of comparing, let’s remember this…

One Thing We Have in Common With John

April 19, 2017 /

It’s weird to think of having anything in common with the people we meet in Scripture, and yet, what an encouragement, right?!

A couple weeks ago as I was preparing an Easter sermon, something struck me that I hadn’t really thought about before.

In John, the apostle, I notice something positive I aspire to, and a weakness we share. Read what John wrote…

John 20: 1 Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance.2 So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

3 So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4 Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first.

8 Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed.

This is both cool and comical!

I love it that John is so grounded in the unshakeable knowledge that he is the one Jesus LOVES!

We are too – each of us as if we are the ONLY one! Like a proud parent, if Jesus carried a wallet, your picture would be in it and He’d want to show it to others with delight! This is the mindset we aspire to – that we would walk into each day with the assurance that we are beloved. No matter what we do or don’t do.

But then, the part that makes me laugh. Here’s he’s writing about the resurrection, but John makes a point of telling us TWICE that he beat Peter to the tomb. He ran faster!

I might be tempted to say “What a guy thing!”, but in our family the women are just as competitive as the men. There is this temptation in each of us to compare what we DO to what others do, even though Jesus tells us it’s not about what we DO, but about what He has DONE for us.

No matter how fast John or you, or I run, we can’t outrun God’s grace.

When we compare, there are two pitfalls. We either get sucked into pride because we’re better than, or despair because we’re worse than. Jesus wants us to know that we aren’t better or worse, but unique and beloved.

John isn’t the only one. Peter compares his life to John’s too.

John 21: 20 Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) 21 When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”

22 Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” 23 Because of this, the rumor spread among the believersthat this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?”

When I’m tempted to compare myself to others, this is what I hear Jesus whispering in my ear: “What is that to you?”

Later, Paul writes, “For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.” Phil.4:11 NIV

One writer notes, “The Greek word rendered ‘content‘ here denotes more than just a throwing up of arms in reluctant acceptance. At its root it literally means: ‘to be satisfied to the point where I am no longer disturbed or disquieted.'”

“Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” Phil. 4:13 MSG

May we live this day secure, not superior.

Confident without comparing.

 

What Do You Give the Power to Wreck You?

November 28, 2016 /

Question: What’s one thing that if, taken away from you, leaves you feeling hurt or even devastated, insecure, “less than”, not yourself, invalidated?

What is it that wrecks you?

  • A note from your kid’s teacher about an “issue”?
  • A breakup?
  • The loss of a title, or job?
  • The lack of invitation in a certain area?
  • Crickets rather than “likes” and affirmation in an environment where you thought you were gifted or competent?

How dependent are you on that “thing” for your sense of well-being?

I like to think of myself as “teflon” (don’t we all?), but then something big or little will surprise me the way it brings up all the yucky feels.

We want to be seen as the super-mom, the competent colleague, the successful host, the dynamic team leader.

“One of the tragedies of our life is that we keep forgetting who we are, and waste a lot of time to prove what doesn’t need to be proved.” Henri Nouwen

Confession: One of the reasons I took a sabbatical from writing this blog and one of the reasons I’m throwing out the “rules” of when and where and how to post now is that I recognized that it was sucking me into measuring my worth by the response I was getting. I needed to pursue a “holy indifference” to anything other than joyfully stewarding my gifts for the Lord alone.

 

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In 2015 the Barna Group did  a study that showed that women 18 and older in the United States, go to social media, trying to connect and feel better about themselves, but only 14% come away encouraged.

We’ve turned the Gospel into a matter of addition instead of subtraction. When we are so full of ourselves, we have no room—and no need—for God or others, or otherness in general. Richard Rohr

And this…

If we have not experienced (the) connection, (of) knowing that we are indeed a fragment of the Great Flame, we will most certainly need to accumulate more and more outer things as substitutes for self-worth. This, of course, is the great spiritual illusion. We needn’t acquire what we already have. Our value comes from our inherent participation in God. Richard Rohr

So…a few things that have been helpful to me. Maybe you too…

  • Separate from what separates you from your true identity in Jesus. If a relationship or a TV show, or seeing the posts of someone raises your anxiety or makes you feel less-than, ask yourself why. If necessary, block them from your feed, but better yet, have a conversation with them about it.
  • Major on the unchanging truth of God’s Word instead of the whims of culture and criticism. What’s one go-to verse that is helpful for you? For me it’s:

Find rest my soul in God alone. My hope comes from Him. He is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress. I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Psalm 62:5-7

  • Evaluate what and who brings out the best in you. Lean into them, and let them lean into you.

That’s all I’ve got. What about you? What would you add?

Leaving Baggage Behind

June 15, 2015 /

My younger brother, David, is an amazing man of faith, humor, kindness, and courage.  Many of you know he has been on a grueling road trip.   As I write this, David has been admitted to M.D. Anderson in Houston. His road is one of ups and downs, medication, and fatigue. Recently, through the haze of pain, he bravely tried to reflect on last week’s post and share some personal thoughts. Here are his words:

Let me first start by saying I love to travel.  Planes, trains and automobiles are my thing.  I’ll bump off the interstate and take a US highway just to roll down the window, smell the alfalfa fields, and look for grain elevators every 6 miles like clockwork.

I know there isn’t much to like about air travel but every time I see the Arrival and Departure signs at an airport my heart skips a beat and I recall the first time I flew as a 12 year old on a Delta Airlines Super DC 8 stretch.

And don’t get me started on trains as there is NOTHING better than a private bedroom with a large picture window and a good book while watching the American west from one of Amtrak’s western long hauls.

They all connote road trips for me and they certainly are a far cry from Abram packing up his tents, livestock and family and putting one foot in front of the other on the way to where?  The Promised Land? With no return ticket?

Monday’s post about Abram, his idols, and his journey struck a chord with me.  You see, I’m on a journey of sorts myself, and like Abram, it’s not one I willingly signed up for.  In January I was diagnosed with stage IV Melanoma cancer.

For those of you who travel a lot, I’m sure you’ve become expert packers.  You know which clothing you can get multiple wears out of. Your carry-on is packed with extra charging chords, toiletries ready in one clear quart plastic bag, and the indispensable People magazine.  You are efficient and have exactly the right amount of “stuff”.

There are those of us, however, who arrive back home only to find six shirts never worn, untouched work out clothes,  and a pair of  Topsider deck shoes and Hawaiian  shirt because “Weren’t we supposed to have a Cruise Night Party?”

Just like Abram, I started my journey with everything I had and yet God wanted me to pare down a few things.  While the word “idol” sounds so ancient, there were things I worshipped that were excess baggage – mainly ego, pride and control. Continue reading

5 Reminders For Your Heart

May 18, 2015 /

We’ve been in San Francisco over the weekend for Maggie’s graduation with her Masters from Berkley.  This is that time of year – one of graduations and weddings and new ventures and births of every kind. It’s a season of marking moments. Looking back and looking forward. As I was reflecting on this I thought it’s a time when maybe our heart needs reminding of some things.

So, today, a list of 5 Reminders your heart needs as you launch into whatever new things God has for you: Continue reading

When the Holy Spirit Whispers “What about you?”

April 24, 2015 /

This is my copy of a drawing I saw last week that has haunted me.

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At the International Justice Mission Global Prayer Gathering (What a mouthful!), a staff person from India, now a lawyer, shared that he had been born into the lowest cast – a Dalit. He was considered a non-person.

He shows a drawing of what his grandfather was required to do. He had to walk with a broom tied around his neck, trailing it behind, so it would wipe out his footprints, leaving the impression that no one had been there. Because he was “no one”.

My first response is horror.  How could anyone treat others like that??  But then that pesky Holy Spirit whispers to ME:

“What about you?” Continue reading

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