Tag: grace (Page 6 of 6)

How to have a Hard Conversation

April 4, 2012 /

Tomorrow I am meeting with a friend for coffee.  I’ve been praying like crazy because I love this person and it’s because I love them that I’m anxious about our conversation.

I have some concerns.  I’ve noticed some things that I feel like God may want me to caution this person about.  But I have nothing to gain personally, and everything to lose relationally.  And…I may be wrong.

Like many of you I’m pretty much a people-pleaser.  I avoid saying hard things almost as much as I avoided hopping on the Yoga band-wagon.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the Jesus way of hard conversations.  As I’ve prayed and looked for examples in Scripture, here are a few questions I’ve asked myself:

1.  Do I have enough of a relationship with this person to have this kind of conversation?  Have I built trust?  Do they know more than anything else that I love them and am for them?

2.  Are they open to letting me speak into their life in this way?  Am I assuming a role that I shouldn’t? Or is this a Nathan situation (2 Samuel 12:1)?

3.  Am I going into this conversation prayed up and having examined my heart for messy motives?  Is my desire to speak rooted in pride or control?

4.  If this really is a case of iron sharpening iron, am I open to the roles being reversed?  Am I receptive to hearing something from this friend that might be hard for me to hear?

5.  Am I going in with a humble spirit, asking questions more than making pronouncements, willing to listen and admit I may not be seeing things clearly?

6.  People hear criticism like you’re using a bull horn and affirmation like you’re whispering it in the middle of a violent wind storm.  Have I figured out how to integrate grace and affirmation throughout our conversation?  And if there was just one concern I’d want to make sure this person heard, what would it be?

The title of this post was misleading.  There’s no magic formula and if there is, I don’t know it.  I’m just a learner who is stuttering her way through – all Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”.  Anyone can make a list of questions.  But a real conversation??  “Come Holy Spirit” is about all I know to say for sure.

What am I missing?  What would you add?

Three Challenges of Authenticity and Grace

February 27, 2012 /

The other day I made a confession here on the blog and then wrote, “There, now you know what a truly horrible, small-minded person I am.”  I meant it.  It was something I was embarrassed to admit.  And I truly want to change…but not always.

Authenticity.  It’s a high value these days.  It’s one of the core values of this blog.  And that’s a good thing mostly, I think.  For awhile, we as Christians were trained to pretend to “Look like Jesus” no matter how much we weren’t.  But then came a rash of young leaders who called us on it and it became cool to be authentic.  To be honest and specific about the ways we are a broken hot mess.

That in itself is a good thing, right?  But there are also some challenges at the intersection of grace and authenticity I think.

1.  Authenticity.  For some of us it’s hard to get to the starting line.  The challenge is finding relationships…community, if you will, where we can truly be honest about who we are…the good, the bad, the ugly.  It’s the risky challenge of just being willing to say, “Here’s my mess.”

2.  Grace.  For others, we can be brutally honest about our weaknesses, our failures, but the challenge is really knowing God’s grace to the core of our being…Knowing that nothing we do can ever make God love us more or less than He does right now.  The hard thing is owning our sin, but not wallowing in our worminess.

3.  Change.  This is one that I fear I have to be aware of.  It’s wearing our authenticity as a badge of honor and stopping there.  Awhile ago I heard a preacher speak and he was very vulnerable.  You could almost hear the inaudible admiration from the people listening…”Oooh he’s so authentic!“  But here’s the thing…He didn’t go any further.  He expressed mild embarrassment, but is that repentance?  He told us what he had done, but not what he was doing to change.  

It was like what he was doing was what I often do: image management.  “Confess” something safe, but make it so common that it falls in the category of “acceptable sin” that no one would really expect us to change.

Yesterday morning in church we did a spiritual inventory that we take every year, kind of like a physical check up but you don’t have to get into one of those white paper gowns and no one gets to see your weight (or the answers on your inventory).

At the end there were two areas where I was noticeably weaker than the others.   The thing is, I looked at these two areas and it didn’t bother me all that much.  Is it possible to be too comfortable with being honest, and too secure in God’s love of me?

Psalm 52:1 says, “Why do you boast of evil…?  Why do you boast all day long, you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God?”  The other day, I read this verse and I thought “Aha!  Is this what we’re doing sometimes?”

Our righteousness IS as filthy rags, BUT God throws our sins as far as the east is from the west when we come to Him AND calls us to be holy as He is holy.  All of this in the same Bible!  How can we get this straight?  That we are both broken and beloved at the same time.  And God loves us too much to want us to remain the way we are.

I believe we are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, but not just over things like our dog dying or our mother-in-law’s car wreck.  I think we’re to be truly honest about the darkness in our lives, but truly sorry too, and truly committed to doing better and finding ways to help each other together.

The good news, as always, is that we’re not in it alone and we can’t do it alone.  “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.”

Which of the three challenges above do you struggle with the most? Authenticity, grace, change?  Or other thoughts? 

EGR People

February 20, 2012 /

We’ve been vacationing in Florida and I’ve come to a conclusion.  You’ve heard the the acronym, EGR?  Well, I’ve concluded that old people are EGR people.

Extra. Grace. Required.

They walk slowly.  And they walk slowly in the bike lane.  And they walk slowly in the bike lane going the wrong direction!  And the other day “they” were walking across a street in front of a line of cars trying to turn, and me on my bike waiting for them in the middle of an intersection and I smiled and said “Go ahead” cheerily as all of us waited and they tottered, oblivious to the traffic jam.

But here’s the thing… Even though I was all “no problem” smiley, I’m sure there must have been the tiniest edge to my voice because how I really felt was impatient and inconvenienced.  And, you know…”Out of the heart the mouth speaks…”  Ugh.  There, now you know what a truly horrible, small-minded person I am.

And then at different points during my day I thought, “Boy, kids require a lot of grace!”

And “Drivers require a lot of grace!”

And “John requires a lot of grace!”

And finally… “I require a lot of grace.”

I’m someone’s EGR person!

I wonder what tone of voice God has with all us EGR people?  What tone of voice does love have?  What tone does grace have?

How do I purify my heart so not only the words and actions are there, but the tone is the tone of Jesus’ voice too?  Lord have mercy.

I was doing a Bible study this week that reminded me “We love because He first loved us.”  And then we were asked to fill in the blank.  “I love __________  because God first loved me.”

I can be gracious only because God was first gracious to me.  When I made a wrong turn.  Or held up traffic.  Or cut someone off.  Or mowed someone down.  Or broke the law in a million ways.  When I turned to Him, He said, “Go ahead now” and the tone of His voice was pure love.

Today I’m trying to be patient and not mow down old people, thanking God for His infinite patience with me.

What’s your experience with the EGR people in your life?

The one John wanted me to title “The Love Banker”

February 15, 2012 /

Friday morning John and I had a fight. A big fight. Well, not exactly a fight.

In case you didn’t know, John’s very competitive. (I am too. I’m the one telling the story so I don’t have to mention that, but I’m trying to be fair).

We were on the golf course and I thought John acted like a jerk and hurt my feelings and I got teary and after arguing about it we didn’t speak.

Towards the end of our round he said, “Do you have any ideas about how to get on the solution side of this?”

I said “No.” and that was that.

Ok, maybe it wasn’t my finest hour.

We went our separate ways and I talked to two of my best friends, both of whom said they didn’t know what the issue was, but they were on my side.

Totally. They were sure I was completely right and justified in my feelings and John deserved the worst punishment imaginable.

They are good friends.

I told them we were supposed to speak to engaged couples about how to have a happy marriage at a marriage mentor dinner at 6:00. Ugh.

My one friend said “You guys have the best marriage of anyone I know so I’m sure you’ll get it figured out by 6:00.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to get it figured out. What I really wanted to do was tell John he was on his own and he could go talk about marriage without me. (Again, not my finest hour)

John and I both ended up at home for lunch. I was silent. (my family’s way of dealing with conflict). He tried again. He apologized.

I said it was fine, but I still didn’t like him very much.

Later in the afternoon I was laying down on the couch in our living room staring at the ceiling and I started thinking about John, and our marriage, and a gift he got last Christmas.

 

. 

I thought of this bank that Katy and Maggie gave him. You push a coin through the slot in the top and there’s a digital counter that adds up the amount in the jar. John and the girls spent a chunk of Christmas day putting in coins and seeing the amount grow. Now it sits on a stand at our back door where John can add his change when he comes in. It’s about 3/4 full and registers $83.50

We’ve been married 34 years and John’s done a LOT to make deposits in our relationship.

I thought of all the ways he honors me, affirming me both publicly and privately. And more than that how he honors me by what he doesn’t say.

Example: He has never said “Gee, do you really think you should eat that ginormous 983 calorie dessert with 52 grams of fat?” (for which I’m eternally grateful)

Then I thought of how he serves me in so many little ways, like covering me with a blanket when we’re watching TV., or calling every day when he’s on his way home from work to see if I need anything at the store.

Over the years John has been a jerk once or twice. And I’ve been a jerk more often than that. Each time we’ve made withdrawals from our relational bank.

I’m thankful for the deposits we’ve made and the reserve that’s there. It all adds up…makes sense, and that’s the truth and it’s ok, but what about when it doesn’t?

In many relationships the withdrawals are greater than the deposits and God calls it grace.

Grace doesn’t add up. Doesn’t make sense. Grace doesn’t keep track of wrongs…or withdrawals.

God doesn’t keep track when John is thoughtless or I am selfish. His mercies are new every morning and the bank is always full.  There’s the math that counts and the math that doesn’t and in marriage, although the deposits that build trust are important, we’re dependent on the math that doesn’t count.

For that I am profoundly grateful.

So today, what mercies are you thanking God for?  How are you making deposits of loving service in the lives of those around you?

Haircuts and Jesus

January 16, 2012 /

The other day I was getting my hair cut by Mary who’s cut it for several years.  We’ve become friends of sorts (as much as you can when you only talk in the beauty shop every 5 weeks) and have shared quite a bit about our lives.  I’m not positive where she is in terms of a relationship with Jesus.  I think she believes, but maybe has not chosen to nurture that relationship or be part of a faith community, or think much about faith and how it could impact her life.  That said, she’s a really good person.  🙂

Anyway, I was thinking after I left, “If she didn’t know I was a Christ-follower (which she does), would ANYTHING in my tone, actions, or reactions, or the content of what I said to her seem different than any other woman who sits in her chair every day?”   I mean, how Jesus-y is reading People magazine and talking about movies for Pete’s sake?

That got me thinking about a woman who was in my life many years ago…an informal mentor who had a huge impact on me.  A Jesus-like woman who epitomized the verse “Let your speech be always with grace.”  Her name was (and is) Coke (short for Colleen) Evans. It’s probably been 20 years since I’ve seen her.  Even more than the impact of her words, I carry with me “snapshots”…memories of times when her posture and her expression and her actions shouted “grace” with surround sound clarity.

Snapshot #1.  We were at a huge church party in a private home.  People helped themselves to food in a buffet line and then spread throughout the large colonial home.  I was having a blast.  So many fun people and lively conversations.  I had gotten my food and was walking down a hallway when I passed a tiny den.  There were only two people in the room sitting on a small couch in deep conversation.  One was an extremely  unattractive, and socially awkward woman.  And sitting next to her was Coke, looking at her with love, hanging on this woman’s every word as if she was the most important woman in the universe.

Like Jesus if He had been at the party.

Snapshot #2.  There was a concert at church in the downstairs fellowship hall.  As I walked in from the back I noticed the man who was the most bitter, mean-spirited man I knew.  And he was a vocal critic of Coke’s husband, the senior pastor.  But there she was, full of grace, sitting next to him, and leaning in with love in her eyes, caring for him, and listening with single-minded attention. 

Like Jesus, if He had come to the concert.

Here’s what strikes me as I think back about Coke, and ask my own question about any possible Jesus-y difference Mary might notice in me:  as much as Coke spoke words of grace, it was more powerful that her whole demeanor was one of loving, gracious attention.  When she was with you it was like you were the most important person in her world.  She would lean in, look you deep in the eyes, lay a gentle hand on your arm and treat you like you were of infinite worth, even though the rest of world might be ready to write you off.  More than her words, Coke had a posture of grace.  And that’s what made her different.

Kind of like Jesus.

Today I’m asking myself again, “Is there a difference in my life marked by grace that anyone would notice and think of Jesus?”  What about you?

Who’s a “Coke” in your life?


Packing up Christmas

January 2, 2012 /

Daughters Katy and Maggie have gone back to D.C.

It finally snowed here in Minnesota (righting a cosmic wrong).

And I ‘m sitting by the fire in our kitchen at dusk with a cup of hot chocolate as I write this.  Maggie insists I call it hot chocolate instead of cocoa.  No idea why.

The Christmas decorations are packed away til next year.  Ornaments made with chubby hands and glue of love.  Unusual baubles brought from far flung places.  Decorations marking special times.

As I pack up Christmas I feel so conflicted…

I love and hate this time of year.

I hate it that it’s the end of my favorite season.  The end of twinkle lights and anticipation, shining stars and awe-struck shepherds.  Putting things away is such a mark of endings, while Jesus is the celebration of new beginnings that I love.

Jesus.  Every-day grace and fresh starts.  Every day!!  Not just at Christmas and not just at New Years.

As I was taking decorations down and wrapping up the creche I got to thinking maybe I should keep the baby Jesus out as a reminder.  Maybe not pack Him away.

It made me think of this Frederick Buechner quote:

“Those who believe in God can never in a way be sure of him again. Once they have seen him in a stable, they can never be sure where he will appear or to what lengths he will go or to what ludicrous depths of self-humiliation he will descend in his wild pursuit of us. If holiness and the awful power and majesty of God were present in the least auspicious of all events, this birth of a peasant’s child, then there is no place or time so lowly and earthbound but that holiness can be present there, too. And this means that we are never safe, that there is no place where we can hide from God, no place where we are safe from his power to break in two and recreate the human heart because it is just where he seems most helpless that he is most strong, and just where we least expect him that he comes most fully.”

Isn’t that great??  “no place or time so lowly and earthbound but that holiness can be present there, too…”

The decorations that have heralded Jesus’ birth may be packed away, but He is not.  He’s here!  Among us and in us and around us…holiness invading and redeeming the ordinary and the ugly and the broken.

Today, an “after Christmas” day, a back-to-routine and back-to-work day…How are you feeling?  Where might you see Him?

“Steep your life in God-reality, God initiative, God-provisions…Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now…” Mt. 6 MSG

Confession, Serena Williams, and Justice

October 12, 2011 /

Confession #1: I used to look down my nose at women who played tennis, deciding they were snotty rich suburban women who had nothing more meaningful to do with their time.

Confession # 2: I started playing tennis this summer and am on a team of the worst players in the universe. (http://awakemysoulblog.com/2011/10/03/youve-got-this/)

Confession #3: I’m enjoying it.  I think it brings balance to my life.  And I think I also have a meaningful life outside of this sport, so either I was wrong before, or I’m deluded now and I really am a loser.

All that was prelude to Confession #4:  Today I lost a match that I thought was totally unfair, and I was totally ticked, and it was really hard to be Jesusy about it.

Why was it unfair you ask?  Because I was playing against SERENA WILLIAMS in the “worst-players-in-the-universe-league”!!!  Clearly Serena got confused and went to the wrong court!

Ok, maybe it wasn’t ACTUALLY Serena Williams, but it might as well have been.  The girl I played belonged in this league about as much as Serena would have.  She was a ringer and she took this deal veeeerrrry seriously.  Like U.S. Open seriously.                  It was a grave injustice.

This made it hard:

  1. not to get killed as tennis balls rocketed towards me at 200 m.p.h.
  2. to pray “Come Holy Spirit, help me to be gracious” WHILE I was dodging the balls coming at me, AND saying “Great shot” repeatedly through gritted teeth.

It struck me as quite bizarre that God might be using this stupid tennis match to actually form something in me…

  • To submit to something that felt unfair.
  • To put my pride to death and resist reporting her to the highest authorities in tennis world for public censure on the nightly news.
  • To humble myself to listen receptively when she told me after the match all the mistakes I had made.
  • To genuinely affirm the talent I saw in her.                                                                   (Lest you think I handled this with Mother Theresa-like poise and grace, I did call and rant to my daughter Maggie after the match)
  • Probably most important, it prompted me to do something for people who are TRULY experiencing injustice by taking action in the International Justice Mission’s campaign to stop Human Trafficking.  http://www.ijm.org/justice-campaigns/tvpra  (You can too!  If I can do this ANYONE can!)

When have you gotten angry at something that hasn’t been fair?  Is it something you’ve challenged, or covered with grace?

I think both are appropriate in different situations. How do you determine when to do which?

Communion Meltdown?

September 28, 2011 /

“We’re at church and Maggie is having a meltdown. 

We just got a full page of single-spaced instructions on how to take communion here.  She’s sure she’s gonna make a mistake and wreck everything.” 

I got this text with the accompanying picture from our daughter Katy who was visiting a new church with Maggie in D.C. where they are living together.

Then last week we were visiting them, and arrived right after their second visit to this church.  Communion is served every week and again, they were full of energy recounting their communion experience.

With great animation and hand gestures they said, “Everyone has to walk down to the front of the sanctuary, following the diagram and then it’s like a communion smorgasbord with 89,000 choices you have to make!”

On the fly! 

In front of PEOPLE! 

While thinking about JESUS!

Drink or dip, wine or juice, gluten free wafer or bread…

With all these choices, Katy mistakenly ate her bread before dipping, then drank from cup she thought was wine but was grape juice.  Communion fail.

How can anyone reflect on Jesus’ sacrifice and God’s abundant grace when they’re worrying about DOING the wrong thing to celebrate it?

According to Maggie, “You’ve really gotta work for communion at this place!”  Ironic isn’t it?  Work to receive grace?

A friend of hers suggested she might want to do a couple of practice run-throughs before she came back again.

We were laughing at this experience, but I couldn’t help think of a friend of mine who had been in line to take communion once and watched as the girl in front of her systematically plucked piece after piece of the cut squares of bread off the serving plate and stacked them on top of each other in her hand.

My friend thought, “She can’t do that!  You’re only supposed to take ONE!  That’s not the way it’s done! Where are the communion police when you need them??”

Then it was like the Lord tapped her on the shoulder and said “This is what this meal is all about – lavish grace without limit.  Offered at great cost, but free for the taking.”

We’re all beggars in need of bread, but perhaps this woman had a deeper sense of how desperately she depended on Jesus’ forgiveness.

Anyway, all this has got me thinking about our awareness of our own sinfulness and need for grace, whether we follow the directions for taking communion right or not.

Have you ever stressed over taking communion?  Is communion conducive to paying attention to God’s work in your life?                                                                                      Have you ever made a “mistake” taking communion?

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