The other day I was searching for an old email with medical information John had requested when I came across a different one, saved in my “personal” email file.
I opened it, re-reading the exact words, re-experiencing the pain, and the feeling of self-righteousness in a relationship gone bad.
A couple of days later, some thoughts from Gail MacDonald about “removing what hinders” convicted me – you know…lightening your backpack of the resentment that you may be carrying around.
Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
Hebrews 12:1
Yeah, I have forgiven the person in the email many times. Over and over when they come to mind I have said, “Lord have mercy. Bless them. Heal them. Soften their heart. Give them wisdom.”
So why have I held onto this email – the evidence of this wounding?
Do I want to relish a sense of victimhood? Feel holier than thou? Why is it important to remember the details, rehearse my arguments?
I latched onto that email like a lawyer might clutch a piece of key evidence. Perhaps I may need it later in the high court of heaven in case Jesus forgot exactly what happened, right? š¤·āāļø.
Love…keeps no record of wrongs
1 Corinthians 13:5
Yes, I’ve forgiven with words over and over again, but if I can’t delete this email, I won’t truly be free of the boulder of resentment I may not be aware I’m carrying around because it’s been in my backpack for so long.
So I hit “DELETE”.
God does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:10-12
Is there something you’re hoarding as evidence of your pain? Is there an added step that you need to take to be free of what may be hindering you from truly forgiving someone?
My husband John and I used to love mowing our lawn. I don’t know why. Maybe because it was outside in the wide green world and it gave us a break from kid duty. These days, not so much. (note: in place of the grass in this picture, the other day we got snow š¬)
Our front yard is a steep hill that is ankle twisting and we have a tree that seems to take sadistic glee in throwing down small branches like grenades to block our path so we have to stop multiple times to clear the minefield.
Anyway, I was mowing the lawn the other day, thinking John would probably hear and come out to relieve me at some point. It’s possible I may have speculated about a way to turn up the volume on the mower, or considered “accidentally” ramming it into the side of the house so John would know how sacrificially I was serving him!
But he didn’t seem to notice, and didn’t come out. Eventually I realized I was going to have to do the whole thing. And I started tallying my scorecard.
You know what I mean. When you start making a list in your head all the things you’ve done for your spouse or your friend, versus what he (or she) has done for you to decide if it’s even-Steven or if you should be ticked that you’ve done more to sacrifice/serve/go out of your way for them than they have for you.
Who’s on your scorecard? Your spouse? A sibling? A friend or colleague?
As I thought about it, John was way ahead on this particular day. He had done laundry, made up the guest room bed, and sat on hold for many minutes trying to sort out our insurance because our car was stolen. Hmmm….He “wins” this round.
Then I thought, “What if God kept score like I do?” The good, the bad, what I do (ostensibly) for Him, what I do for myself… It would never balance out.
Fortunate the person against whom the Lord does not keep score.
Romans 4:7 msg
Acts 10:29 says Jesus, filled with power and the Holy Spirit “went around doing good…” Not because He wanted to draw attention to Himself, or because the people He came across were so deserving, or because He wanted to balance out a scorecard.
Grace spoils us rotten. We don’t do math in our family, but even I know it doesn’t add up.
The secret to my parents’ marriage seems to be their ability to out-serve each other. They don’t keep score. My dad is inordinately patient, waiting for my mom in the car outside church, grocery stores, clothing shops, farm stands… when she doesn’t deserve it.
And my mom accommodates my dad’s picky eating habits, making him a special side salad with the homemade thousand island dressing, or a separate casserole without onions, zucchini, or mushrooms when he doesn’t deserve it.
Grace promotes grace. The more aware we are of the lavish love of God, the more we desire to serve Him. When I feel spoiled by John, when he serves me, I want to serve him.
But what if for now, I tear up the score card, put my head down and focus on blessing John, praying for him as I push the mower through the minefield of my self-centeredness?
“Leadership is a series of hard conversations.” Yikes. A friend of ours said this to us years ago, and it has proven to be uncomfortably true.
Sometimes we’re on the initiating end of the hard conversation, sometimes on the receiving end. Many times both.
In ministryleadership, we invest maybe more deeply than other arenas, and get hurt more profoundly…
Maybe it’s because of our perceptions of what love should look like – all grace no truth.
Maybe it’s because we feel a deeper connection to each other in the Body of Christ, and therefore have a deeper sense of betrayal when we’re on the receiving end of criticism or rejection.
Maybe it’s because we’re all so, so human and as hard as we try, We. All. Mess. Up.
Can I suggest two principles as we all walk through leadership challenges and hard conversations in different contexts? I share these because they are what I am preaching to myself!
1. Expect the best of others.
Love…Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
1 Cor. 13:7 MSG
We all create narratives to explain our actions and those of others, right? So, what’s the story I’m telling myself and others to interpret this event? Sadly, when I stop to ask myself this question, the truth of Steven Covey’s quote is often evident.
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”
Steven covey
Years ago we had a close friend who was the founding pastor of a church that he had poured his life into. He discerned that he had taken the church as far as it could go.
This pastor knew he needed to move on, and so did the faith community, but after he announced his leaving, he discovered an HR situation on staff that was confidential and potentially very divisive. He quietly withdrew his resignation in order to deal with the situation and not leave the mess for the pastor who would follow him.
He didn’t tell people why he changed his mind because it would be embarrassing for the others involved. People heaped on criticism. Why was he being wishy-washy? Why couldn’t he let go? He silently took the unwarranted taunts and fixed the problem before retiring, leaving a healthier culture for his successor.
When we are critical of a leader, we need to ask, “How would I want people to interpret this if I was in their shoes?”
We need to be humble enough to admit there may be circumstances we’re not aware of that can’t be made public.
We need to be teachable enough to question for better understanding.
2. Speak the truth in love directly and do not gossip…
…even though that makes us feel oh so superior. (I may say this from first-hand experience. Ahem) Matthew 18:15 exhorts us to go directly to a person with our concerns.
God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in loveālike Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do.
Ephesians 4:15-16 MSG
Recently, we have experienced hard truth from some folks who also communicate “I’m for you. I’m sharing this with you because I care.” We are grateful. The most helpful are those who have spoken hard truth in love and alsohave said, “I’ve been in a similar situation. I know firsthand how hard this is.”
But then, unfortunately there are those people who speak the “truth” with an attitude of self-righteous anger or divisiveness.
Being a leader isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes an identity firmly rooted in the security of being God’s beloved no matter how many times you mess up.
Leadership takes courage that can only come from God.
It takes courage to do what is unpopular.
It takes courage to admit when you are wrong.
It takes courage to persevere when youāve messed up.
Leadership is a series of hard conversations. Can we agree we’re in this together, doing our best to follow Jesus, extending both grace and truth in love?
The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.
Psalm 145:14 NIV
What about you?
Has a leader hurt you?
Have you experienced truth-telling in a healthy way or have you experienced being judged harshly from a distance?
Have you criticized a leader and learned later there were factors you were unaware of?
The other day I posted some thoughts about complicated relationships and the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Still, there are hard decisions to navigate when there is conflict among friends or family. How do we commit to both grace and truth?
If your 7 year old daughter scores two goals and plays a great game of soccer, but kicks someone on the opposing team while they’re down and walks away, is it right to only say “Way to go! You were awesome! You are such a great soccer player!”?
Is it a blessing to only affirm without also naming the pain caused to the opposing player? Obviously not, but other situations aren’t as clear. It’s…complicated, right?
Truth without grace isnāt really true. Rather, it is aggression disguised as discernment. And grace without truth isnāt really gracious. Rather, it is codependency disguised as love.
Some of us lean towards grace, but are afraid of speaking truth. We hate the discomfort. We want people to like us.
Others lean towards truth telling. We are justice oriented, committed to right and wrong. We feel it’s most important not to let an offense slide.
How do we live like Jesus in these complicated relationships?
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14
You know the TSA motto? “If you see something, say something.” Maybe it applies to relationships too…with a caveat.
Regardless of how you feel, if you see something positive in the other – anything “excellent or praiseworthy” call it out! Affirm! Cheer! Celebrate!
But… If you see/feel something negative or wounding? That’s trickier.
Maybe say something, but first sit with it in the presence of God. Ask yourself:
Why do I feel offended? Is this about me and some wound from my past, or is this about them?
What is my part in this offense? Owning that is part of the “say something” too.
If I talk to the other about this,is my motive one of blessing and bringing life (even if it is hard or uncomfortable), or do I just want to make myself feel better by telling them what a mean person they are?
What matters more to usāthat we successfully put others in their place, or that we are known to love well? God have mercy on us if we do not love well because all that matters to us is being right and winning arguments.
scot sauls
4. Will this person be able to “hear” truth from me(as opposed to someone else), right now, and receive it in a way that is helpful? My spiritual director pointed out that timing is important. Look at Jesus’ words:
āI still have many things to tell you, but you canāt handle them now.”
John 16:12
Ohmygosh I have gotten this wrong sooooo many times! Ā Know that as I post this, I’m stumbling along, asking Jesus to grow me in this area.
A friend of ours recently said, “You can say anything as long as you say it at the right time and in the right key.” Paul said it like this:
Let your conversation be always full of grace,Ā seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Colossians 4:6
What about you? You KNOW I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community connection, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)
I grew up in a classic TV “Leave it to Beaver” type home. No, my mom didn’t wear pearls while vacuuming, but life was predictable. You were kind to people and they were kind to you. You made mistakes, but you owned them, asked forgiveness, and it was given.
Life was simple. Safe. We were far from perfect (ahem), but I wasn’t aware of any drama growing up. My parents didn’t gossip, and they didn’t “ice” people out when there was conflict.
Boy did I get a wake-up call in adulthood! Relationships can be…complicated, right?
Someone criticizes us, or hurts our feelings…to our face, or worse, behind our back.
Several years ago, my husband John and I sat with a friend and colleague as he spewed criticism with such intensity and vitriol that it felt physical, like a bucket of bitterness was being dumped on our heads. John listened long and then said, “You’re right. We may not agree on everything, but here are two places where I think I made mistakes.” He proceeded to name them specifically.
After that, I waited for our friend to respond with some recognition of the possibility that perhaps his perspective was limited, or he also might be fallible. I hoped at least, for a recommitment to partnership in ministry, or acknowledgment of God’s redemptive power, but it never came.
Hard stuff to swallow. My journals reflect how much I have wrestled with what, if anything, to do in response.
Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. What do you do?
It seems we often move to one of two extremes when someone offends us.
We lob “truth” grenades – hurling an explosive angry tirade towards the other (often in an email or even on social media), and then retreating to our bunker.
Or…
2. We stuff our resentment in the guise of “grace”, paste on a smile, and never address it.
Both may feel safe, but really? Maybe we’re just cowards either way.
In Scripture we’re told:
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing….” 1 Peter 3:9
But what does that look like in real life?
Usually in complicated relationships there’s plenty of blame to go around. We tend to magnify the ways we feel mistreated and minimize our own responsibility. I know I do!
Instead, we need to both ask for forgiveness, andĀ offer forgiveness where needed.
Forgiveness is aĀ way of blessing the other. Forgiveness says ” I want God’s best for you regardless of what you’ve done to me.”
…reconciliation is an interpersonal process where you dialogue with the offender about what happened, exchange stories, express the hurt, listen for the remorse, and begin to reestablish trust. Itās a much more complicated, involved process that includes, but moves beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness is solo, reconciliation is a joint venture.
Ryan howes
Forgiveness is always possible, and so is redemption, but reconciliation is not. We are called to forgive no matter what, but if the other person is not willing to engage or own their part, you may not be able to reconcile the relationship. Even without reconciliation God can always, always redeem the pain though, if we look to Him to teach us through it.
What does it look like to choose blessing, to be “for” the other person whether they have been kind to you, or not?
Maybe, beyond forgiveness, it means praying for the other as authentically as you can.
Lord, I pray that You would pour out your love and mercy on friends who have hurt us. Help me to see the pain that may be motivating their words and actions. Help me to extend grace to them as You do to me.
What have you learned about navigating conflict? I’ll post more on this next week, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)
Our family, separated by thousands of miles, has been glued to the U.S. Open Tennis tournament the past couple weeks, live-texting through each match, expending way too much emotional energy, staying up late, willing our favorites to win.
Iāve been reminded of all the hours I spent in the bleachers, cheering for Katy, and Maggie as they played competitive tennis matches. One of the common refrains from spectators and fellow teammates was, āYouāve got this!”
“Youāve got this Katy! Youāve got this Maggie!ā
The implication was āYouāve got all the skill and ability necessary to win this match. You have it in you. Dig deep.ā
It struck me the other day that this is what God would like to remind me each morningā¦not that Iāve got this, but that HE has it. Heās got this moment, this day, this season, my life in His hands.
He has all the power, and understanding and patience and resources for anything we face today. He is sufficient.
And BECAUSE Heās got this, youāve got this!
In what area of your life do you feel like you just don’t have what is needed? Maybe it’s something specific to today, or general for this season of life.
Moses didn’t think he had the right words needed.
Esther may have doubted she had enough courage to go to the king on behalf of her people.
Was the woman who couldn’t stop bleeding afraid she didn’t have enough faith, as she reached out and touched Jesus’ robe?
Perhaps Lydia doubted she had enough credibility as a woman leader.
But in each situation, the Lord essentially said, “You’ve got this because I’ve got this.”
Consider posting just one word or a short phrase (or a paragraph if you want!) in the comments that says where you feel like you “don’t have it.”
It might be something you need as a parent, a boss, a mentor, an employee, a provider…
Hereās mine: Lord, I don’t have the patience needed.
We can list anything and hear God say,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 corinthians 12:9
So today, when you feel like you don’t have enough faith, or patience, or energy, or wisdom, or grace…may you hear the Lord cheering you on, saying “You’ve got this because I’ve got you.”
I sit and stare at my computer screen after triaging emails that have accumulated over the holidays. I’m tired. I bet you are too.
We’ve baked the special cookies and wrapped presents we hoped would delight. We’ve tried to be present to Jesus and kept traditions and navigated family drama, and made time to sit by the Christmas tree.
We’ve tried to remember to breathe.
But now it’s the end of the year and we’re tired, and as we consider whether to make resolutions, we’re tempted to think of all the things that haven’t happened in 2018 – the pregnancy, the boyfriend, the job, the healing…
We think of the ways we’ve messed up – the rejection letter, or the One Word that we haven’t seen fleshed out in our life perfectly.
“I am learning ever so slowly that maturity and a growing faith show up not in our ability to stand up straight and blameless, but in our willingness to turn, again and again, back to the face of God. Not once, but a thousand times once and then a thousand times more.”
Emily P. Freeman
Me too.
It’s hard to be both honest and hopeful. We need to be gentle with ourselves and remember our hope isn’t in a resolution made or broken, but in God who is good.
And so, we trust…
“…that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
that “we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.” 2 Cor. 3:18 NASB
As 2018 comes to a close, I’d like to offer a blessing:
This day, may you be assured that you are seen and loved as is, not “only if”. May you know that your proud Papa is cheering you on, beaming at the small, teetering steps you’ve taken in 2018. May you hear Him singing over you, see Him delighting in you, and have faith to let Him take your hand and walk you into a new year. Amen.
We all have our stuff, right? The steep learning curve stuff. The stuff we’re not good at and would like to run from. For most of us, loving confrontation is one of those things. It seems that lately I’ve been in more conversations than ever about this and how we can do it well. I went back to this post from a few years ago and thought it was worth looking at again.
Recently we met for dinner with a young couple we love whose marriage is in crisis.
Another friend’s teenage son entered rehab.
Two friends had to fire employees.
One needs to break up with her boyfriend.
AAAAARRRGGGHHH! Ā For the love of world peace!
In each of these situations a crucial conversation (or series of them) was called for. Ā Conversations where emotions ran high. Ā Sometimes there was a difference of opinion. Ā Perhaps there was hard truth that needed to be clearly, but gently communicated.
John and I often repeat something our friend Nancy Beach once said:Ā “Leadership is a series of hard conversations.”Ā I think that might as well be “LIFE is a series of hard conversations.”
In August we took a large group from our church to the annual Leadership Summit at Willow Creek. Ā The most pertinent talk for many of us was called “Crucial Conversations” by Joseph Grenny.
He said, any time you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations you’re not having, or not having well.Continue reading
ā’Do not conform’ is difficult advice in a generation when crowd pressures have unconsciously conditioned our minds and feet to move to the rhythmic drumbeat of the status quo.” Martin Luther King Jr.
HOLY BUCKETS it’s a minefield out there isn’t it? More and more we are forced to face what it means to interact with both grace and truth in a vitriolic society, what it means to not be conformed to our culture, but live out the way of Jesus.
It seems like people are just looking for a reason to be offended. We pray forĀ discernment and we ask questions like:
If I speak out on this issue will it mean that a whole segment of the population won’t listen to me about anything anymore?
Is this the most important issue to take a stand on?
Is social media the best place to have this discussion?
What exactly is it that I hope to accomplish if I take a public stand on this issue?
“Both secularism and devout faith are growing. What’s going away is the mushy middle of religiosity.” Tim Keller
Recently I was reading two accounts in the Bible where three women modeled different approaches to conflict and evil that we might learn from. I thought I’d unpack one today and two tomorrow giving possible contemporary parallels for us.
Sweaty but eager, we gather around our tennis coach after a drill. Ā In wrapping up, he reminds us of something he says often about “winning”. “Instead of worrying about whether you’re winning, you need to just stay in the present point. You need to detach from the outcome.”
Immediately one of the other moms on the team says, “That’s what I do with my kids!”
Does that mean she doesn’t care if her kids are convicts or racists or just neglect to say “thank you”? Not at all! It just means that she knows she can only be responsible for her part.
When they’re little that includes coaching and consequences, time-outs and training.
And prayer. Lots of prayer.
I have a mentor friend who used to tell her kids, “I have you basically for 18 years and I’m going to steward that time as wisely and prayerfully as I can.” Does that mean when they turned 18 she tore up her “mom card” and said “Phew, I’m done!”? Absolutely not. She continues to pray, trusting God to get her kids where they need to go.Ā
Another friend has a grown daughter with issues. She kept rescuing her daughter from the consequences of her bad choices as an adult until she had a “Detach from the outcome” moment. She realized her actions were driven by what others might think of her as a parent if they saw her daughter’s destructive behavior. She opened her hands and acknowledged that her daughter was differentiated from her – an adult, responsible for her own choices.Ā Again, that didn’t mean she stopped loving and praying fervently for her daughter. It meant she clarified what was her job, and what was her daughter’s job.
But the other day I was talking to one of my closest friends about a family member we’ve prayed for for 15 years without seeing the fruit we have begged God for. WHY Lord?
I wonder…What might it have been like for the father in the parable of the prodigal son?
How long was the son gone? How long did the dad pray?
Did he go over in his mind all the mistakes he had made as a parent? The times when he lost his temper? The times they skipped family devotions? That time he was too busy to play catch? Did he struggle to trust God to forgive and redeem his parental shortcomings?
Did he pray, somedays feeling like it was hopeless – like his son would never come to his senses?
He let his son go. He let him experience the consequences of his actions. Did he fight the urge every day to run to the “far country” and rescue him?
Did he struggle to know what his part was and what God’s part was? What the parable says is that he kept waiting and watching.
āWhen he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him.” Luke 15:20
How can you be a perfect parent? You admit you’re not, and you embrace your job to pray and wait and watch, trusting the only One who is.
God, the one and onlyā Ā Ā Ā Ā Iāll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, Ā Ā Ā Ā so why not? Heās solid rock under my feet, Ā Ā Ā Ā breathing room for my soul… Psalm 62:5-6
