The other day I was searching for an old email with medical information John had requested when I came across a different one, saved in my “personal” email file.
I opened it, re-reading the exact words, re-experiencing the pain, and the feeling of self-righteousness in a relationship gone bad.
A couple of days later, some thoughts from Gail MacDonald about “removing what hinders” convicted me – you know…lightening your backpack of the resentment that you may be carrying around.
Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
Hebrews 12:1
Yeah, I have forgiven the person in the email many times. Over and over when they come to mind I have said, “Lord have mercy. Bless them. Heal them. Soften their heart. Give them wisdom.”
So why have I held onto this email – the evidence of this wounding?
Do I want to relish a sense of victimhood? Feel holier than thou? Why is it important to remember the details, rehearse my arguments?
I latched onto that email like a lawyer might clutch a piece of key evidence. Perhaps I may need it later in the high court of heaven in case Jesus forgot exactly what happened, right? đ¤ˇââď¸.
Love…keeps no record of wrongs
1 Corinthians 13:5
Yes, I’ve forgiven with words over and over again, but if I can’t delete this email, I won’t truly be free of the boulder of resentment I may not be aware I’m carrying around because it’s been in my backpack for so long.
So I hit “DELETE”.
God does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:10-12
Is there something you’re hoarding as evidence of your pain? Is there an added step that you need to take to be free of what may be hindering you from truly forgiving someone?
The other day I posted some thoughts about complicated relationships and the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Still, there are hard decisions to navigate when there is conflict among friends or family. How do we commit to both grace and truth?
If your 7 year old daughter scores two goals and plays a great game of soccer, but kicks someone on the opposing team while they’re down and walks away, is it right to only say “Way to go! You were awesome! You are such a great soccer player!”?
Is it a blessing to only affirm without also naming the pain caused to the opposing player? Obviously not, but other situations aren’t as clear. It’s…complicated, right?
Truth without grace isnât really true. Rather, it is aggression disguised as discernment. And grace without truth isnât really gracious. Rather, it is codependency disguised as love.
Some of us lean towards grace, but are afraid of speaking truth. We hate the discomfort. We want people to like us.
Others lean towards truth telling. We are justice oriented, committed to right and wrong. We feel it’s most important not to let an offense slide.
How do we live like Jesus in these complicated relationships?
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14
You know the TSA motto? “If you see something, say something.” Maybe it applies to relationships too…with a caveat.
Regardless of how you feel, if you see something positive in the other – anything “excellent or praiseworthy” call it out! Affirm! Cheer! Celebrate!
But… If you see/feel something negative or wounding? That’s trickier.
Maybe say something, but first sit with it in the presence of God. Ask yourself:
Why do I feel offended? Is this about me and some wound from my past, or is this about them?
What is my part in this offense? Owning that is part of the “say something” too.
If I talk to the other about this,is my motive one of blessing and bringing life (even if it is hard or uncomfortable), or do I just want to make myself feel better by telling them what a mean person they are?
What matters more to usâthat we successfully put others in their place, or that we are known to love well? God have mercy on us if we do not love well because all that matters to us is being right and winning arguments.
scot sauls
4. Will this person be able to “hear” truth from me(as opposed to someone else), right now, and receive it in a way that is helpful? My spiritual director pointed out that timing is important. Look at Jesus’ words:
âI still have many things to tell you, but you canât handle them now.”
John 16:12
Ohmygosh I have gotten this wrong sooooo many times! Â Know that as I post this, I’m stumbling along, asking Jesus to grow me in this area.
A friend of ours recently said, “You can say anything as long as you say it at the right time and in the right key.” Paul said it like this:
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Colossians 4:6
What about you? You KNOW I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community connection, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)
I grew up in a classic TV “Leave it to Beaver” type home. No, my mom didn’t wear pearls while vacuuming, but life was predictable. You were kind to people and they were kind to you. You made mistakes, but you owned them, asked forgiveness, and it was given.
Life was simple. Safe. We were far from perfect (ahem), but I wasn’t aware of any drama growing up. My parents didn’t gossip, and they didn’t “ice” people out when there was conflict.
Boy did I get a wake-up call in adulthood! Relationships can be…complicated, right?
Someone criticizes us, or hurts our feelings…to our face, or worse, behind our back.
Several years ago, my husband John and I sat with a friend and colleague as he spewed criticism with such intensity and vitriol that it felt physical, like a bucket of bitterness was being dumped on our heads. John listened long and then said, “You’re right. We may not agree on everything, but here are two places where I think I made mistakes.” He proceeded to name them specifically.
After that, I waited for our friend to respond with some recognition of the possibility that perhaps his perspective was limited, or he also might be fallible. I hoped at least, for a recommitment to partnership in ministry, or acknowledgment of God’s redemptive power, but it never came.
Hard stuff to swallow. My journals reflect how much I have wrestled with what, if anything, to do in response.
Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. What do you do?
It seems we often move to one of two extremes when someone offends us.
We lob “truth” grenades – hurling an explosive angry tirade towards the other (often in an email or even on social media), and then retreating to our bunker.
Or…
2. We stuff our resentment in the guise of “grace”, paste on a smile, and never address it.
Both may feel safe, but really? Maybe we’re just cowards either way.
In Scripture we’re told:
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing….” 1 Peter 3:9
But what does that look like in real life?
Usually in complicated relationships there’s plenty of blame to go around. We tend to magnify the ways we feel mistreated and minimize our own responsibility. I know I do!
Instead, we need to both ask for forgiveness, and offer forgiveness where needed.
Forgiveness is a way of blessing the other. Forgiveness says ” I want God’s best for you regardless of what you’ve done to me.”
…reconciliation is an interpersonal process where you dialogue with the offender about what happened, exchange stories, express the hurt, listen for the remorse, and begin to reestablish trust. Itâs a much more complicated, involved process that includes, but moves beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness is solo, reconciliation is a joint venture.
Ryan howes
Forgiveness is always possible, and so is redemption, but reconciliation is not. We are called to forgive no matter what, but if the other person is not willing to engage or own their part, you may not be able to reconcile the relationship. Even without reconciliation God can always, always redeem the pain though, if we look to Him to teach us through it.
What does it look like to choose blessing, to be “for” the other person whether they have been kind to you, or not?
Maybe, beyond forgiveness, it means praying for the other as authentically as you can.
Lord, I pray that You would pour out your love and mercy on friends who have hurt us. Help me to see the pain that may be motivating their words and actions. Help me to extend grace to them as You do to me.
What have you learned about navigating conflict? I’ll post more on this next week, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)
Relationships. Ahhh they can be so complicated, right? If you’re like me, you need constant encouragement to keep working with the Lord on transformation in this area. So here’s another updated repost that I need to read to myself!
Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we’re still stuck between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world filled with pain and pride and power struggles.
We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, fighting, and falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.
John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends who are in the muck and mire of broken trust, accusations, and differing points of view. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded people who I trust are each doing their best to understand and respond with grace.
Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”
As we grieve each day, and exchange notes and calls of support for all involved, I ask over and over, “What do I know to do and not do? What is my role?”
Here’s what I believe God may be trying to teach me:
Pray, pray, and pray some more. I am praying fervently for each person involved. This is drawing me closer to God, the only One who knows all hearts and the only One who can bring truth, justice, and reconciliation. Only God can reveal, redeem, restore. I am praying more than ever given the fallout, longing for understanding and God’s intervention.
“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thes. 5;17
2. Choose your words carefully. What are we not to do? Gossip, judge, take sides… Our only job is to take responsibility for our actions and love everyone always. I need to ask myself:
Are my words and actions life-giving in this situation?
Am I asking questions instead of giving answers?
Am I speaking the truth in love?
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6
3. Examine your heart. The verse that keeps coming to mind is “The heart is deceitful above all things.” My heart. Your heart. My friends’ hearts.
Lately my prayer has been “Lord show me MY blindspots. Show me if I have unaddressed sin. Show me if I have caused pain inadvertently and give me the courage to respond with humility and contrition.”
Who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Psalm 19:12
4. Pay attention and learn. Satan is crafty beyond belief. Never, in a million years could we have imagined the scenario our friends are in. We are not to live in fear of Satan, but as wise followers of Jesus who have an enemy determined to thwart His work in the world. We need to be aware and prepared. One of the things I’ve learned by observing my friends in such difficult circumstances is not to isolate myself from those who may ask hard questions to hold me accountable.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lionlooking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
5. Humble yourself. Each of us must come to the Lord and each other with a posture of total humility, and a desire to question for greater understanding, treating everyone with love and respect.
Therefore, as Godâs chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13
Friends, we are allsuch messes. We all have so much stuff that needs forgiveness. Where would we be without an Easter God who knows us and loves us still, sending Jesus to die for our sins?
Anyone else have experiences to share in this area of friendship? Check out Psalm 25 as a good prayer for these days.
Who’s that person or group of people who hurt you deeply? Â What are those words you can’t forget? That betrayal? The rejection, dismissal, even persecution you’ve endured that left a wound?
Maybe it was long, long ago. Or yesterday.
After time, you may even be able to insulate yourself and forget it for an hour, or a day, or even a week.
But then someone says something. Or does something. Or you see something out of the corner of your eye.
That wounded place gets bumped and it hurts, and you realize you need to forgive again. And again.
Yesterday John and I and a few staff from our church attended the Catalyst One Day in Minneapolis.
This is a day-long conference where there’s worship and Andy Stanley and Craig Goeschel take turns sharing leadership lessons.
They are both amazing leaders we admire, so we were ready to learn more about the secret sauce that makes them that way.
Don’t you love days when you sit back in a workshop, and take ALL THE NOTES, and are “fed” til you feel like it’s Thanksgiving evening and you’re in a turkey coma?
You feel like you’ve done AN IMPORTANT THING when you take home your little notebook crammed with GREAT IDEAS. You’re sure it will make you a better leader just by holding it close. Am I right?
So yesterday my favorite session, the one I was sure was going to transform me into “AMAZING ANDY LEADER” was his first talk, entitled “That’s a Great Question”.
The big idea was that great leaders ask great questions and one of the most powerful, clarifying and disturbing questions a leader can ask is:
What would a great leader do?
Andy fleshed it out with a lot more, but that was the basic idea. At the end, he added, “If you’re married, what if, when you go home and are going through your day and come to a decision point, you ask yourself, ‘What would a great husband do?’ or ‘What would a great wife do?'”Continue reading
A few weeks ago a friend asked me to be on a panel of women peace-makers at a conference for peacemakers. These are courageous women who are all in. They are PEACE-MAKERS.
I’m more of a peace-wanter.
My exact text response was “Are you freaking KIDDING me??!” I felt I was totally unqualified to be on the platform with women who are on the front lines in Israel, Palestine, Fergusson…
And I was, but they wanted me anyway and the reason I eventually said “yes” was because I think I’m like many of you who need a little encouragement that we all have a part to play.
We’re the “small things” people , the cheerleaders and the story-tellers and that’s ok, at least for a start.
When I got home, I was listening to a podcast message by Clay Scroggins and heard a phrase that was new to me. It’s really stuck in regard to my role in WORLD PEACE. Continue reading
The other day John was acting…you know…clueless and insensitive as men do sometimes. (Women never do that, right?)
Anyway, it was late and I was going up to bed. But my feelings were hurt.
Now at this point I had a decision to make. Was this a minor thing that could be blanketed in grace and forgotten, or was it something that would affect our relationship going forward if I didn’t address it?
Whether it’s in a marriage or friendship or work relationship, I think we face this tension often.
You have a friend who arranges to meet at you 6:00 and calls to cancel at 5:58.
You come downstairs feeling pretty good and your husband (thinking he’s paying you a compliment) says “Honey you look autumnal!” (I happen to have some first-had experience with this one. Men, let me just warn you, don’t do it. Your wife will hear, “You look like a pumpkin!”)
You’re struggling with infertility and have a friend who is constantly complaining about her kids.
An acquaintance moans to you about her weight when she clearly weighs a number you haven’t seen on the scale since you were 13.
Proverbs 19:11 says:
âGood sense makes a man restrain his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression or an offenseâ.
When we’re dinged, our go-to is supposed to be grace, right? We’re forgiven, so we need to be forgiving. Let it go. Let it goooooo.
But there are times when we need to be brave and talk out the offense with the offender.
I can think of 3 times that we shouldn’t let an offense slide: Continue reading
Several years ago, my cell phone rang while John and I were out on a Saturday night date. Maggie, driving home to MN from Colorado, was on the other end of the line.
“Mom, I think I took a detour and I’m in the wrong state. Can you talk me in?”Â
Note, that was “wrong STATE”, not “wrong road” or “wrong town”. She had gotten WAY off track before asking for help and being willing to turn around.
This was before the days of the nice British woman with the soothing voice on your GPS saying “Recalculating…Make a U-turn at the next available intersection. Return to route.”
We all take wrong turns and get off-course. Sometimes those wrong turns have huge consequences that leave us wandering in the wilderness for a season. Other times, we do a course correction and get back on track quickly, thankful for grace and the company of other lost-and-found companions along the way.
Peter took a detour that he thought was fatal, but he was wrong.
Failure is never fatal in the economy of God.
When Jesus was in his darkest moments, when He most needed a friend, Peter bailed on Him. This disciple who was a close friend, acted like an enemy. He took a detour from faithfulness, and went the road of self-preservation.
In saving himself, he lost himself, as is always the case.
In shame, he ran and “hid” in his old self – fishing for fish. But…
There is no detour you can take where God can’t find and restore you.
Jesus meets Peter where he is (John 21) and He asks a simple question, “Do you love me?”
Jesus reaches out and says, “Recalculate your route. Come back with me. It’s ok. I’ll show you the way.”
My brother, David, who I’ve written about here, crossed the finish line of faith on Saturday and is now face to face with Jesus. He was a remarkable, godly man. He was also broken and he messed up like all of us (after all, he did pull off the tail to my stuffed mouse when we were kids!) But what he wanted more than anything was for everyone to know that through Jesus, God is the God of bazillionty chances. He desires to be the leader and forgiver of our life if we just turn to him.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
Where has a detour taken you today or in the past?
To numbing substance abuse?
To unhealthy relationships?
To spending too much money or eating too much food, or doing too much work?
Running from God instead of toward Him?
There’s always a way back. If you’ve taken a detour, what’s the first step you need to take to get back on track?
Telling the truth?
Asking forgiveness?
Seeking help from someone else who’s been where you are?
Putting in some “guardrails” to help you stay on course?
Read Luke 15. List all the things you note about God’s character regarding those who get lost.
What has your experience been with detours and getting back on track?
This “5 Questions about…” post is by my dear, courageous friend who  would like to remain anonymous for now.  I know you’ll be blessed and inspired by her powerful story.
1. Â You have an amazing husband and an adorable baby boy – a healthy, Jesus-loving family, but your own family growing up wasn’t so healthy. Â Can you give us a little background?
I feel humbled and grateful that the Lord answered my prayers and hearts desire for this family of mine. Â Although the Lord took hold of me and I of Him as a little girl, I have kept many unhealthy secrets along the way.Â
I was conceived out of wedlock to  a mother who wanted to abort me and a father who almost did. He has told me, ” I had a vivid dream that God told me to keep you and on the way to the abortion clinic, I convinced your mother to keep you”.Continue reading
