Tag: family (Page 1 of 2)

3 Things to do Now-ish For a Better Christmas Next Year

December 27, 2021 /

I sit in front of a cheery fire, late at night, looking at our glowing Christmas tree. It’s still delightful, even with gifts gone from underneath. We’ve had a lovely holiday season in spite of Covid and allofthethings.

We lit candles. We sang carols. We marveled at Christmas lights and lifted our gaze to wonder at stars in the night sky.

Jesus was born in us again. Glory to God in the highest heavens. And glory to God in the lowest stable.

Still, there are things I wish I had done differently.

In the Christmas season, everything is MORE.

We feel everything MORE intensely – the good and the bad. We add in MORE to our already-packed-no-margin schedules. We drink MORE and eat MORE and bake MORE.

And all that MORE comes at a price.

If you’re like me, Advent can creep up on you and all of a sudden you’re in the middle of it, scrambling to fit in everything.

SO here are three things I’m doing to make next year even better:

1. MAKE A LIST NOW!

Right now, make a google doc or a paper list if that’s your jam (make sure to put it in a safe place).

Consider having a conversation with your family if you want to include them. Evaluate Christmas 2021. Discuss these questions:

  • What worked well for Christmas 2021?
  • What mistakes do we want to avoid for Christmas 2022?

List ideas you read about this year that you’d like to do next year.

Consider getting a plastic bin and labeling it Christmas 2022. In it you can put things like books, gifts, Christmas lights, or cards that you buy on sale in January.

HOSPITALITY

What did you bake that you liked?

What menus worked?

Did you entertain too much or do you wish you had done more?

What helped make entertaining less stressful?

Are there specific types of gatherings you’d like to create?

SOUL CARE

What spiritual practices, devotionals, or books did you read that were meaningful? Are there ones you’ve seen others use that you’d like to try next year?

The best things I did this year were to participate in a half day Advent retreat early in December (you can also purchase portable retreats here), and use the Quiet Christmas Collection by Emily P. Freeman.

DECORATING

Take pictures before you take down decorations if you want to duplicate next year. Save links to that mantel you saw on Instagram that you’d like to try. Make note of what needs to be replaced (like Christmas lights).

CREATING

IF you love creating, make a list linking to ideas of things you’d like to make next year. Things you’ve seen for hostess gifts, family traditions, decorating, or party themes.

One of my favorite things I made last year was bottle brush tree stirrers. This year I saw someone skewer each with a big marshmallow for hot chocolate!

One of my favorite food gifts to make is homemade granola.

I’d like to try this Rosemary Salt to give as a hostess gift, and this Star Garland

FAMILY

Are there traditions you’d like to start? I read about this idea from prvrbsthirtyonegirl that I LOVE and even though I don’t have kids at home, I might create one for John and me! Ally and Ryan have one family activity for each day of Advent. You can make your own list that fits with your life stage!

Have you heard about books you’d like to read alone or out loud? Here’s a list of kids’ Christmas and Thanksgiving books.

Every year I used to read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever aloud to the family, a chapter a night. This year my book group read Truman Capote’s A Christmas Memory which would be another good read-aloud for a little bit older kids.

A wonderful novel for the season is Winter Solstice by Rosamunde Pilcher

GIFTS

What are gifts you received that might be a good idea to remember? (Two of our favorites were Lou Malnati’s pizza from Chicago and homemade Lars Bars (which my friend renamed “Laura Bars” 😍 for hiking, along with the recipes! )

Did you hear about a game that another family tried and liked that would be good to get next year? (We got and loved “It’s in the Bag”!)

2. SCHEDULE A DAY LATER

Block off a day on your calendar and label it CHRISTMAS PLANNING DAY.

You can make it whenever you want, but I’d say a day in the week before Thanksgiving would be good. I’ve marked my calendar for Saturday, November 19th. I also try to protect the Sunday, and Monday after Thanksgiving to decorate.

Then put two alerts in – one for a week before and one for two days before so it will actually happen! (I almost forgot this, and believe me, it won’t happen if I don’t have alerts in!)

On this day you’re going to answer questions and make lists and put dates on your calendar.

What do I need to say “no” to in order to say “yes” to the most meaningful things this season?

Since Christmas adds in, are there things you need to cut out in order to make room? How can you manage your expectations? This might even mean talking to your boss if there are extra things required of you at work, and asking what regular responsibilities he or she thinks can be put on hold so that you will have adequate margin.

3. SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS

On your Christmas planning day, put dates on your calendar – the big things you want to make sure happen. Include scheduling in Sabbaths. Maybe make an appointment for a pedicure if it is in your budget.

Practice saying, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I’m already committed and need to say ‘no’ this time.”

If you’re having trouble scheduling your own family celebration plus time with in-laws, decide what’s best for your family and then give in-laws several options to choose from that will work for you. (Someone once told me, you need to approach in-laws like you do toddlers – assure them that you love them and give them acceptable choices :))

Prayerfully hold things lightly. Remember, you’re planning so that you won’t end up being highjacked by every urgent thing that comes up, but there may be last-minute changes you need to make, or holy interruptions that deserve your attention. Commit your plans to the Lord and ask Him to confirm or help you adapt.

Lord help me to move slowly enough to experience Jesus fully and love others deeply.

Plan to practice the Examen during Advent. To help, you can upload the Lectio 365 app. It has an Evening prayer that guides you through a review of your day, helping you to slow down and pay attention to the presence of God in your life – especially valuable in the busy Christmas season.

What ideas have you seen this year that you want to remember for next year? Share with us in the comments!

5 Questions to Save Your Holidays from Family Drama

November 21, 2016 /

This is a repost from a couple years ago, but I need the reminders so I thought you might too 🙂

It’s three days before Thanksgiving and Christmas is just a ho-ho-ho away.  For most of us that means more family interaction during a season when we’re often physically, emotionally, and spiritually stretched thin.DSC00629For people who are trying not to gain weight, they say the most important thing is to go into food intense situations with a plan.

As I look back on our early days of marriage, there are things we could have done to set ourselves up better for success.   We could have used a plan!  So here are a few ideas…

1.  Talk ahead about expectations.

Ask: What’s ONE thing you are most looking forward to and  ONE thing you fear (or dread)?  If you’re married talk about these with each other and then make sure to find a way to communicate with family members you will be spending time with.  Same thing goes if you’re single, but in either case, make sure you ask others about their hopes too!  Just knowing ahead of time what others are thinking helps you to adjust your own expectations.

2.  Acknowledge and make allowances for different wiring.

This was the text from my pastor husband this morning: People are so over-rated.  I don’t see why Jesus likes them so much…they keep wanting to talk! 🙂

The holidays mean throwing together introverts like John who get energy from alone time, with crazy game-loving extroverts like my relatives.

Early in our marriage when 25 of us were crammed together at my parents’ cabin for Thanksgiving we’d look around and John would have disappeared.  We’d find him huddled in a dark corner of a bedroom reading a book.  At first that felt unacceptable!  Rude and crazy!  Why would anyone not want to spend every festive minute together with my wonderful family, playing Monopoly (loudly) and putting on talent shows??

Ask: Who in our family needs space and alone time?  

3.  Be aware of what joys and sorrows, and hot-button issues family members are bringing to the table.

Are there people in your family struggling with infertility and others who are newly pregnant?  Someone celebrating a new job and another dealing with loss?  Are there ways to be sensitive and honest about the difficulty of rejoicing with those who are rejoicing and mourning with those who are mourning?

Are there issues where our family has differences?  In my family, thankfully we’re on the same page on most of the hot topics like religion and sports (:)), but we have differed some in our parenting styles.  We need to be aware of communicating mutual respect and support and reserving judgment in this area.

Ask: What are the topics that might lead to tension or pain?  

4.  Consider what needs to be reconciled or reframed.

Unfortunately, for many families, the holidays are the only time during the year when everyone is in one place.  This can lead to misunderstandings that can fester with lack of proximity.  Someone says something or does something that hurts our feelings and because time is short we withdraw and let the wound deepen during the year.

Ask: Are there any relationships in my family where I need to ask forgiveness, or do I need to talk about hard things in order to reconcile?  

This might mean setting up time to go out for coffee to have that “crucial conversation.”

Ask: Or, are there ways I need to protect myself from toxic relationships that are abusive or bring out the worst in me?

This might mean reframing your view of a relationship, or limiting your time together.

Really, each of these questions is just a way to ask “How can we love each other well this holiday season?”

Does one of these four suggestions or five questions resonate with you?

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

What My Daughters and I are Learning About Community

June 12, 2016 /

I’m taking a blogging sabbatical this summer, but will occasionally be sharing some posts from the past. This one was a guest post written by daughter Katy 4 or 5 years ago.

Have you ever taken the Meyers Briggs personality inventory?

It’s where you answer a bunch of questions, and at the end you’re assigned four letters that make up the basics of your personality.
4 powerful letters that tell someone all they need to know about how you’d respond…

  • If strangers showed up at your door inviting you to a costume party,
  • Or if you had to decide under pressure, which wire to cut to diffuse a bomb,
  • Or whether you’d say “Suck it up.” or “You poor, poor baby!” if someone told you their hamster died.

Well in our family, the 4 letters that sum up Maggie are exactly the opposite of the 4 letters that sum me (Katy) up.

In spite of being opposites, while growing up, the two of us were inseparable.  Walking to and from elementary school together, taking (voluntary) trips up to the local library to stock up on Sherlock Holmes books to read aloud to one another in the privacy of the latest edition of our ever-improving fort.  We’d rally the neighborhood kids for night games and home made video productions, snow forts and magic shows.

We were a dream team.

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But then, something happened. I think professionals call it “puberty”. We turned into the worst versions of ourselves, camping out on the far edges of our opposite personalities.

Things that were cute about Maggie became shallow and annoying. My attitude went from an indulgent older sister to, frankly, a superior jerk. Those halves on Meyer’s Briggs became like some sort of bizarre science class punnett square exercise gone wrong.

In our case, it took about 6 years apart and the advent of g-chat to start a new season of communicating. Rather than the cutting remarks and dismissive sarcasm, we began to speak with each other as people, rather than sisters.

Each of us slowly slid towards the center of that personality chart, first recognizing our weaknesses, then working to develop into more balanced people.

It sounds quite nice and simple in that sentence, but some of this “realization” came through heated phone calls and the occasional adopting of our high school personalities.  AKA our “worst selves.”

Now, years later, here we are, co-inhabiting a 900 square foot apartment in the heart of our nation’s capital.  Had you told us 5 years ago that this would be our living situation, we would have thought you were a lunatic.  Surprisingly, it is going quite well.

There have been a few flare ups where we’ve seen those high school selves resurface, and it’s embarrassing.  But we’re truly enjoying one another’s company, the sharing of friend groups, being invited to the same parties, and attending the same church for the first time in years.

We find ourselves working to carve out “sister time” and we’ve seen this time become increasingly more meaningful.  As we earn one another’s respect, we are better able to speak into each other’s lives.

The bottom line is that when we allow the other person’s strengths to threaten us we’re our worst selves.  But when we move towards each other in humility, ready to learn from the other’s strengths, and seek help in the areas where we’re weak, we thrive.

When I can sincerely say, “Maggie, what would you do in this social situation?” where I feel unsure, and she can sincerely ask “Katy, what bus should I get from U Street to get home? or Who is Christine Legard and why do we care about her?” we both benefit.

What I’ve learned from watching Katy and Maggie grow as they live in community is to ask questions.  When I’m in situations where the emotion seems to rumble in my stomach and travel to my face and threaten to come out of my mouth in unwise words I’m trying to ask:

1.  What am I afraid of?  Really.

2.  What can I learn from this person?

3.  What questions should I ask to gain better understanding?

What collaborative, or community building situations are the most challenging to you?  When do you feel most threatened?  What is helpful?

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A Letter to My Brother

July 11, 2015 /

Dear Baby David,

I keep thinking of that time a few years ago when we all were gathered at the Lake House for Memorial Day weekend.

It was the same as every year – too many kids and dogs to count. Card games, and tubing, and Dad threading gooey worms on fishing hooks, and sitting at the long harvest table on the porch in soggy swim suits for lunch.

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Memorial Day is notoriously a little early to be swimming in Wisconsin, but still, we launched the boat and plunged into the water as always. We’re a “Choose-life-no-matter-what” kind of family.

It was cool and cloudy and super windy that year, but you kept trying to convince me to go sailing with you on our little Sunfish. “Come on, Laura! It will be great! Me and you!” I can hear you as clear as if you were saying it to me today.

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Finally I relented and we took off, you at the rudder (because I don’t actually know how to sail) and me along for the ride. Aunts and Uncles, grandparents and kids and dogs watched from the shallows as the wind immediately whipped up and started speeding us across the lake.

I’d say it was approximately 10 seconds before I watched helplessly as you fell off the back and I was on my own, speeding away.

I can picture you treading water and laughing so hard, like such a brother.

Everyone on shore was yelling instructions as I got further away from land, and some scrambled to jump in the ski boat and rescue me.

David, I keep thinking of this, because I feel like you’re slipping off the back of the boat again. And I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to sail on without you.

I hate it that cancer is eating away at your strong body. I hate it that you’re suffering. Maybe it’s time to let go of life, in order to embrace Life, but oh it’s so sad to watch you slip away.

We know that God can calm the wind and waves as He has before, but so far He’s chosen not to. So far.

And saying “this is hard” is like saying a heart surgery without anesthesia is hard.

We hurl confused, grieving, tearful words at God in our weakest moments these days, but we trust Him too. We don’t understand, but we choose to continue to believe He is good, because we have had a lifetime of sailing with Him.

You’ve held tight to the rudder, Baby David. You’ve fought the wind and waves courageously, but it’s ok. You can let go now if you want.

When you go I will miss you so much. Words can’t express…But even now I can picture Jesus and Grams and Gramps waiting for you on the other side. You and Gramps will talk trains and Mr. Punnymoon.  And I know you’ll be waiting for me too, with that mischievous grin and twinkle in your eye, ready to go sailing with me again.

I love you,

Your head cheerleader

I’m sharing this publicly with Susan’s permission because I want readers to know what a difference faith in Jesus Christ makes. He is everything.

We are so, so blessed to have a family and heritage of believers to walk through this dark time together. We don’t have pat answers. We aren’t always happy-clappy. We’re impatient, and selfish and quirky just like all families. But we do not grieve as those without hope. (1 Thes. 4:13)

Tuesday night, David was moved home to hospice care. His wife Susan was on the phone with my mom telling her that the oncologist had said David was the most courageous patient he had ever had, with such a positive attitude. David was awake and overheard her. In a moment of semi-lucidity he said, “Oh, but did we remember to tell him it’s just because of Jesus, Susan?”

“Yes, Dave, we did. We did.” she said.

Breathe deep.Lean hard.God's love holds.

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5 Questions To Ask Your Family This Christmas

December 17, 2014 /

So you’ve done the running around and the shopping and cleaning and baking and now we’re getting close to the time when family will be arriving at your house, or you’ll be traveling to theirs.

Our daughter Maggie arrived this morning at 3:30 a.m. to spend a few days before she heads to Texas to be with her in-laws, and Katy arrives Saturday.

Sometimes we’re so stressed and busy during the holidays that we don’t really reflect on what we want to have happen while we’re together – you know, how to be truly present to each other. Then before we know it Christmas is over, family is gone and we’re left thinking “woulda-coulda-shoulda”.

So I got to thinking about questions I want to make sure to ask when we’re around the dinner table, or at the coffee shop. Continue reading

Five Questions You Can Ask to Save Your Holidays from Family Drama

November 24, 2014 /

It’s three days before Thanksgiving and Christmas is just a ho-ho-ho away.  For most of us that means more family interaction during a season when we’re often physically, emotionally, and spiritually stretched thin.DSC00629For people who are trying not to gain weight, they say the most important thing is to go into food intense situations with a plan.

As I look back on our early days of marriage, there are things we could have done to set ourselves up better for success.   We could have used a plan!  Yesterday I shared the following with a young married couples community I shepherd at our church, but these  guidelines for a holiday plan apply whether you’re married or single… Continue reading

5 Questions About…Forgiveness

October 3, 2014 /

This “5 Questions about…” post is by my dear, courageous friend who  would like to remain anonymous for now.  I know you’ll be blessed and inspired by her powerful story.

1.  You have an amazing husband and an adorable baby boy – a healthy, Jesus-loving family, but your own family growing up wasn’t so healthy.  Can you give us a little background?

I feel humbled and grateful that the Lord answered my prayers and hearts desire for this family of mine.  Although the Lord took hold of me and I of Him as a little girl, I have kept many unhealthy secrets along the way. 

I was conceived out of wedlock to  a mother who wanted to abort me and a father who almost did. He has told me, ” I had a vivid dream that God told me to keep you and on the way to the abortion clinic, I convinced your mother to keep you”. Continue reading

What to do when School Starts

September 1, 2014 /

As I write this it’s almost Labor day, and I’ve been thinking a lot about you Moms with kids of every age starting back to school – thinking about transitions and All Of The Feelings.

It’s the end of August and I’m “up north”.  This is my view.

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Don’t hate me, but I can breathe deep and enjoy this lake air (and the mocha John just brought me, thank you very much) without being interrupted by an 8 year old who wants to play UNO. or a 12 year old who wants me to take them on a jet-ski, or a toddler who can’t find his Thomas the Tank pez dispenser (and all the drama that comes with).

I love this season of life and the freedom it gives me, don’t get me wrong.  But this – this time of transition from Summer to Fall is also a time of grieving for me.  I miss the back-to-school shopping and the exciting beginning of all of the THINGS for the new year.  I miss “bouquets of newly-sharpened pencils”, the season of hands-on parenting with all the family traditions and night time prayers and snuggled up in jammies story reading.  I miss our first day of school chicken pot pie dinner, and I miss the annual measuring of our girls.

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Moms I know you.  I’ve been you.  Most of you are a little schizophrenic at this point.  You tackled summer with gusto, doing the strawberry picking and the zoo visits and fishing pole baiting memory-making, but you’re just so over summer now.  You’re ready to take a break from your role as Camp Director of all the Fun Outings in the Universe. Continue reading

5 Questions About…Disappointment with God

July 18, 2014 /

Conrad family-40Emily and her husband Steve are dear friends of ours. I had the delight of working with Steve in ministry and traveling with him in Congo before he knew Emily.  Then, John and I had the privilege of performing their wedding ceremony together!  This remarkable young couple inspire me with their faith and authenticity.  It’s an honor to walk alongside them on their journey!  I asked Emily 5 Questions…because I knew she’d be honest and reflect from a heart seeking God.

1.  Over the past year and a half you’ve had an experience that has been deeply painful and disappointing.  Can you describe what happened?

In early 2013, my husband and I got the green light to travel to Congo to meet and pick up the little girl and little boy that we were in the process of adopting. We had spent 13 months previously preparing our home and our family for the addition of 2 more little ones, a little girl 18 months old and a boy 2 ½ years old. Although we knew it would be crazy to have 4 little kids in our home, we felt that adoption was always supposed to be a part of our family’s story and felt that it was a desire that God had placed in our hearts.

We had been prepared for the fact that the little boy we were adopting might be a little older than what we had originally been told, perhaps 6-9 months, however, when we met him in Congo he was clearly at least 6 ½ and was a very angry, emotionally fraught child, quite prone to physically aggressive outbursts. Continue reading

Voices

November 29, 2013 /

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and if you are reading this, chances are you’ve resisted the urge to rise before dawn and scrape and claw through Walmart for the “best deals of the season”. (#walmartfights is trending on Twitter.)

You’ve said “no” to Black Friday, or perhaps you’re still just in a turkey coma and are calling it “contemplation”.  You’re reflecting on yesterday, or you still may be with family navigating dysfunctional dynamics feeling as tense as Jack Bauer defusing a bomb with 3 seconds left.

You may be with family members whose voices can strengthen you, reminding you of your inestimable value (like my mom, and basically everyone I’m related to does), or stab you in the back like the Red Wedding on Game of Thrones.

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Last week I wrote about the power of words and the Word as we move into the holidays when there’s more emotion, more stress, more people, more…family.  So today, on Fearless Friday I thought I’d just post this video that’s a reminder of Whose voice is the most important to hear from.

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