Tag: control (Page 3 of 3)

Pregnant, part 2

December 12, 2012 /

This week I’m thinking about Mary and three spiritual practices that may help us prepare for Christmas.  You can read the first in the series here if you want.

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As I write this I’m in a lovely setting, looking out over our snowy Minnesota – an outward picture of peace and calm that is definitely not what I’m feeling inside.  In my fingers and toes and stomach is… fear – that indefinable tingly, insufficient, I can’t get it done emotion.  I need to do, to create, to produce and I don’t have it in me.  I’m not enough.

Is that feeling more common at Christmas than at other times of the year?

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Trading Places

November 12, 2012 /

Sometimes I’m just in the wrong place.

I walk into Starbucks in the dark of the very early morning before dawn and drop my books and computer in “my” place – the table the baristas say they’re going to put a plaque on with my name in case anyone should arrive before me and not know that it’s “mine”.  My guy Cory’s been known to tackle customers with their eye on my spot.

I sit for a minute and resist the urge to open my computer immediately.  I try to feel what I’m feeling…Anxiety, butterflies, stress…fear??  Yes, fear.

Fear of failure.  Of not adding value.  Not producing.  Ugh.

And then I come across this, scribbled in a notebook I keep in my purse.

Yep.  I have FPSD.  FearPrideSuccessDisorder.  You too?

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The Other “F Word”, Part 2

September 17, 2012 /

Friday I posted about the other “F word” in our family.

On reflection I think there’s more than one “other”.  There may be a whole slew of other “f words” that lurk around like stealth ninjas ready to take us down.

So here’s number 2.  Fear.

I don’t think I’m a particularly fearful person.  But I might have slept in the car instead of with the bats in a mountain cabin once upon a time.  And Maggie and I might have told the producers of the Amazing Race that snakes were a no-go for us when we were auditioning.

I’ll admit I AM afraid of heights, failure, suffering, looking foolish in public, and dying in an airplane crash to name a few.  But so is everyone, right?

(John, not me, bungee jumping at Victoria Falls, Zambia)

If I’m honest, what I’m really afraid of is losing control.  At least the illusion of control.

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Out of Control and Canceling my Day

July 27, 2012 /

The other day I wanted to throw something.  Or have a pity party that would involve eating lots of Patticake (from YUM!) with Cookie Dough ice cream.

And I couldn’t figure out why!

Until the late afternoon when it hit me.  I was cranky because I felt out of control.

Can you relate?  Maybe just a little bit?

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What do you do when you’re disappointed in God?

July 16, 2012 /

Ever feel disappointed in God?

Or let down by people and situations that don’t go your way and that translates to “really God’s fault” cuz, you know, He’s God and everything, so the buck stops with Him.

Yeah, me too.

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Being Stuck and Something You can Count On

April 16, 2012 /

Yesterday I was trapped in an elevator.  For a long time.  All by myself.  And firemen had to rescue me.

Any amount of time feels long when you’re stuck.

After my initial panic… I saw a button that said HELP!  I pushed it.

A nice lady (probably talking to me from India) answered and said she was with the elevator company.  In what seemed like something from Candid Camera, she instructed me first to hold down one button for thirty seconds, then push every single button I could see, and then push the alarm bell button every thirty seconds.

I did.

Nothing happened.

I fully expected her to tell me to jump up and down next.

The nice lady, who I still think was in India, kept asking me if I was breathing ok which made me begin to think perhaps I wasn’t.

She told me she was going to have to hang up on me to call some other people – 911 among others – and was that OK ?  Hmmm… Do I have other options?

After I realized how stuck and helpless I was and that my cell phone didn’t work and that the walls were starting to close in, I gave myself a little pep talk and started thinking about other things…

This is like that scene in “You’ve Got Mail!”  They all talk about what they’ll do differently IF they ever get out of the elevator.  What will I do if I get out?  Why am I thinking IF?

Why couldn’t I have other people in here to keep me company and have a little stuck-elevator-party with?

What if they tell me I have to put my beach towel over my head and crouch in the corner so they can blow the door off with explosives?  (Clearly I’ve seen too many episodes of 24)

Is this a metaphor for being stuck in life?  Who was “stuck” in the Bible…?  David!  After he’s anointed and before he’s king and Saul’s all jealous crazy.  Moses!  In the wilderness!  Noah on the ark!  Joseph, Paul, John the Baptist in jail!  Is there anyone in the Bible who wasn’t stuck at some point???

God what do you want to say to me? “Take the STAIRS next time!”?

I wonder if the firemen will be cute and how disappointed will they be that it’s little ol’ me and not my daughters?

Eventually I started singing softly “Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me.”  I have no idea why.

About 45 minutes later, after a lot of noise, but no explosives, the doors to the elevator were slowly pried open and there stood two firemen in full gear with the overall/boot deals and hats on, axes in hand staring at me.  Yes they were “hot”, and yes it was embarrassing.

Whether it’s getting stuck alone in your flip flops in an elevator, or getting stuck in a season of life, my take away is:

  • Keep your sense of humor
  • assess the situation
  • do what you can
  • pray
  • and wait.  For God (and/or the cute firemen) to get you unstuck.

And mostly, remember what you can count on.

The sun’s gonna rise, the sun’s gonna set and God is still going to be God.

Where are you feeling stuck?  What’s an adventure you’ve had where you’ve been able to laugh along with God?

Snow Days and Sabbath

March 23, 2012 /

I wrote Wednesday that we’re back home from a long trip that was intense…full of new information, new relationships, hard stuff and steep learning curves.  I feel like I should be full of energy and productivity, catching up on all that I missed while we were out of the country.  But I’ve got nothing.  The truth is, that with travel our spiritual and physical rhythms of health got all out of whack and what I feel like God is saying to me is “Sabbath”.  So on this “Spirit Stretch Friday” I thought I’d repost some thoughts on Sabbath from February 2011 when Minnesota was having a more typical winter than we did this year.

This past week as the mega snowstorm swept across the country it was fun to read all the Facebook posts from people delighted with “snow days” – school, work, activities all cancelled. People were giddy about the gift to having to stay home and do nothing but curl up with cocoa and a good book…the treat of being forced to rest from normal activity.

I remember hearing someone say once that God wants to give us a “snow day” every week with Sabbath.  Why do we resist?  Why do we seem so addicted to “doing”… to being recognized for what we accomplish?  Is it born out of a fear that being God’s beloved child isn’t enough?

I love what Mark Buchanan writes in The Rest of God…

“…God, knowing both our need and our folly, took the lead.  He set the example.  Like a parent who coaxes a cranky toddler to lie down for an afternoon nap by lying down beside her, God woos us into rest by resting.

‘For in six days the Lord the heavens and the earth and the sea, and all that is in them, but He rested on the 7th day.  Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.’

God commands that we imitate Him in order to discover again that we’re not Him and that we need Him.”

He’s right.  When I do Sabbath, I’m reminded of 2 things:

  1. I’m not God and the world won’t stop spinning if I’m unplugged (how sad is THAT – needing to be reminded- but I’m guessing I’m not alone). God’s got the God thing covered and doesn’t need me.
  2. I’m not defined by my roles, or titles, or responsibilities. I am a beloved child of God and that’s enough.

Observing Sabbath, I also notice I’m able to be more fully present.  My Sabbath heart is better able to pay attention to God and others.

Mark Buchanan writes that when we don’t Sabbath we’re in danger of letting ourselves be “consumed by the things that feed the ego but starve the soul.”

Eugene Peterson defines Sabbath as “shutting up and shutting down”.

What about you?  Are you intentional about observing a Sabbath?  What does it look like for you?

The Spiritual Discipline of Plan B

February 10, 2012 /

Ice cubes.  6 small potatoes.  A get-well card.

Sometimes in line at the grocery store don’t you feel like the check-out folks are wondering, “What’s she really up to??”

In this case, each item represented “Plan B” on a day that screamed “I live a PLAN B LIFE!” in big and small ways.

  • The ice cubes were for our broken ice maker.
  • The potatoes for a recipe gone wrong.
  • The card for a friend having a double mastectomy.

But this was just a small glimpse of bigger realities of disappointments and losses that got me asking questions like:

  • Lord, why is everyone else always in control and why do I never get my way?  (Clearly no Theresa of Avila here!)
  • Where are You in this and what are You trying to teach me?  Submission?  Humility?  Trust in your redemptive power? (Could I have Door 2 instead please?)
  • Is there anyone not living a “Plan B” life?  (Hard for me to think of anyone, but then I didn’t really want to think about anyone else cuz this was all about ME!)
  • How did Your Bible guys handle Plan B’s?  (Moses, David, Abraham, Paul…wow, a lot of Plan B’s)

Somehow, the most important Plan B discipline for the Bible guys seemed to be leaning in.  Not understanding necessarily.  Not having 1-2-3 answers.  But having the faith to say, “I choose to believe in you, God, more than this disappointment.”

Perhaps the spiritual discipline of Plan B involves giving up the illusion of control…giving up trying to write our own story and letting God write His story through us.

Or this…One line stood out in my Bible reading yesterday morning…”Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?…How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?” (Mt.7)  I wonder how often God’s bread just looks like a stone to me because I think I know better than Him how my good gift should appear.  Part of the discipline of Plan B seems to be trusting in God’s goodness...His identity even when we can’t see or understand His activity.

Clearly I don’t have this figured out.  This is just me, wrestling with God after a Plan B day in a Plan B life.

I like to have a plan for everything.  And like all people, I like the plan to go my way.  Plan B is not my strong suit, but maybe it is actually my sweet spot (and yours), because it puts me where God wants me, needing to lean into Him.  For His grace.  His presence.  His power.  His understanding.

What’s your Plan B situation?  What are you learning in it about spiritual discipline?

A resource you might want to pick up if you’re struggling with this is Pete Wilson’s book titled Plan B!

Slaying Dragons

October 26, 2011 /

How many people are lucky enough to see this on their daily bike rides?  I mean…really!

Here in Minneapolis we’re never sure when this monster is going to appear or where, but for awhile now it’s been camped out in Lake of the Isles perhaps enjoying the changing leaves (maybe a last hurrah before he heads to Disney World for the winter).

Anyway, although he seems friendly, because I pass by him most days, he’s made me think about the “monsters” that lurk around in my life that aren’t so amiable.  One of the big ones that rumbles around and actually sometimes tiptoes up behind me and catches me off-guard  (who knew monsters could tiptoe) is pride.

So the other day when I read Pete Wilson’s thoughts and questions to help root out pride in our lives, I thought, “GREAT!  What inspired thoughts!  Here’s my adaptation of his questions:

1) Am I willing to allow another person to do what I think I must do?  Can I delegate, or do I need control?

2) Am I willing to do what I am doing, even if no one else knows I am doing it? (Or if someone else gets credit for it)

3) Am I willing to let God use me for a season, and then be okay with Him later putting my work into the hands of another?

I really LIKED these questions! HA!

I thought they were wonderfully convicting in the abstract, UNTIL I heard from someone who is using something I created, something I love and am passionate about doing myself, and they are making it their own.

All of a sudden these questions weren’t just nice theoretical ones!  I actually had to apply them in my own life, up close and personal.  And in the moment, my spirit failed on all three questions.  I thought, “No, No, and HECK NO!  I want control!  I want to do it myself, and I want credit for it!”

I feel incredibly small-minded admitting this!  But I’m trying to be authentic, because I doubt I’m the only one who has lacked generosity of spirit in some situation.  It’s easy for us to want God to be glorified, but what if someone else is getting some of the reflected glory of being used by Him? That’s a little harder.  It’s one thing to have the questions to identify pride in our life, but what do we do with it once we’ve identified it?

For me, it came back to that whisper of God once again – “Open your hands.  Let it go.  It’s not yours to hold onto.”

Ugh!  Sometimes I want to say, “That’s all you’ve got, Lord?  Could I hear some other options please?”

After my initial reaction and grudgingly prying my fingers open, I felt prompted to pray sincerely for the person and I’ve honestly experienced great joy in anticipating how God will use them.  This is NOT a Bam!  Done!  Holier-than-thou moment!  I’m sure this monster will pop up again and have to be dealt with.

What about you?  Which of Pete’s questions is hardest for you? When you recognize pride in your life how do you deal with it?

If you want to read more on this by Pete Wilson go to http://withoutwax.tv/2011/10/20/battling-your-greatest-enemy/
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