Tag: control (Page 1 of 3)

Why Are People So Mean These Days and What Can We Do?

October 8, 2022 /

Living life in 2022 is really hard. I know people tell you that. And they’re right. Everyone just seems meaner.

I’m convinced we’re in a global season of the “terrible two’s”.

We’re just so tired of not getting our way, that we’re all throwing tantrums and grasping for any little thing we can possibly control.

We’re tired of Covid restrictions, and worrying about Ukraine and nuclear war, the stock market, and having to pay high gas prices, and weary of trusting leaders who let us down.

We all have a little kingdom and we want a sense of being king (or queen), darn it! We want to exercise our rule and right now it’s all about us.

So we rail at the barista who got our drink wrong,

or rant to our friend about all the changes the CEO of an organization is making,

or we write our pastor to let him know in no uncertain terms that he hasn’t said enough,

or he’s said too much about ___________(you fill in the blank).

We yell at the person who is riding his bike on the sidewalk, because you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!

We (I 😬) major on truth without grace.

We abuse the idea of “boundaries” (a good thing), using it as an excuse to cancel at the last minute because we don’t feel like doing something. It’s one choice we can make, in a world out of our control, so we do.

That family tradition of celebrating Thanksgiving together? “Well, there are too many people, and I’m an introvert, so I don’t want to come anymore.” (Note: not me, but the hypothetical person I”m writing about). “I just want choices”. And it’s all about what’s best for me.

We’re angry and frustrated, and we want to let everyone know.

It’s hard, but I’m trying to ask these questions:

  • What is this anger really about? Why am I so worked up? Or why are they? What’s the thing beneath the thing?

  • How important is this as part of the bigger story God is writing?

  • What are some constructive, God-honoring choices I do have?

  • What am I hoping the choice I’m making will accomplish?

Breathe in: Almighty God, Prince of Peace

Breathe out: Help me to be gentle with others.

4 Things to do When You’re Out of Control

March 23, 2020 /

I walked to my Starbucks the other day, feeling all sunshiny and full of hope for the one thing I could still count on in our time of chaos, and they are closed indefinitely. (Is God still on His throne??!!)

We were supposed to fly to Chicago last weekend to see my parents, but our flight was cancelled.

I haven’t bought toilet paper in a month and now there is none to be found. I heard a podcast the other day highlighting the different kinds of leaves to use if you run out of toilet paper!

A friend had a birthday this week and I couldn’t give her a hug.

Most of us are planners, amiright?

We plan to go to the gym while the kids are in school. We plan a vacation for Spring Break. We choose to meet friends for coffee, or play tennis, or watch the Master’s golf tournament on T.V.

We love doing what we want, when we want, with no interference.

During this season when nothing is going as we planned and all our illusions of control have been shattered, I think it’s important to pay attention to how we’re responding.

How is loss of control affecting you?

Do you notice little power struggles between you and family members becoming intensified?

Are everyday preferences a battle ground to exert control when so much has been taken away?

John likes complete darkness watching T.V. and low lighting all of the time. I like light, and when most of the other choices in my life have been taken away, this tiny little thing becomes more important.

I realize subconsciously I’m thinking, “I MAY NOT HAVE TOILET PAPER, BUT I WILL HAVE LIGHT DARNIT!”

What are some things we can do to assure that we’ll come out the other side of this better human beings than we were before?

1.Pay attention to what triggers you and be curious. Why is this bugging me? How important is it?

2.Get creative about the choices you DO have! Find ways to chose connection, service, and fun! Maggie and Austin did a virtual Happy Hour and Bingo night with friends. Folks with margin are reading books on video to give parents with restless kids a break.

3.Create a breath prayer for those times when you feel triggered by “out of control” feelings. All you do to create a breath prayer is choose a name for God that is important to you in this season. Breathe it in. Then breathe out a phrase that sums up what you need.

Lately mine has been: “Prince of Peace, settle me down.”

4.Gain perspective by reflecting on all the ways God has been faithful in the past – Guidance? Provision? Course correction? Say a prayer of praise. Look at Psalm 77 for an encouraging model of honesty and choice.

What’s been helpful to you during this time of change, loss, and uncertainty?

I’ve been posting very brief devotional thoughts on my Instagram Stories, and continuing to try to bring joy, encouragement and inspiration on my feed. I’d love to hear from you there!

2 Things to Control When You Feel Out of Control

November 18, 2019 /

He [Abraham] did not know where he was going.

hebrews 11:8

I don’t know about you, but I ALWAYS want to know where I’m going! I want to know the PLAN, and (if I’m honest) I want CONTROL over the plan!

But often I’m dealing with “out of control”.

Recently I was with a group of friends sharing prayer concerns that felt out of control.

  • One has a husband in a toxic job and financial stress.
  • Another is struggling with a young child’s behavior.
  • A third has in-law tensions.
  • One is dealing with health issues, and another has a college student struggling with anxiety.
  • Me? I continue to feel like I’m being tossed around by a leaf-blower with no place to land for any length of time.

These are all situations where we feel out of control – praying and waiting and wanting to DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT! Can you relate? What’s your “out of control”?

If it’s any comfort, we’re not alone. The Bible is filled with out-of-control people who can’t fix their stuff on their own (think Sarah who’s barren, Moses chased by Egyptians, Hagar outcast, Mary a pregnant virgin…), and maybe out of control is the best place to be.

Maybe it’s good to know we will fail without divine intervention! Maybe we’re always there to a degree, but we just don’t realize it. And when we do, it’s an opportunity to lean in and experience God’s sufficiency.

You do your part. You pray. You wait expectantly. But what can you control while you’re waiting?

  1. Your tongue. By this I mean, now is the time to be ruthlessly honest. Show up authentically with God and pour out your heart. (check out Psalm 6)

Tell Him how hard this is, but also recite what you are counting on to be true about Him. Remind Him and yourself that He will never leave you, He is able to do immeasurably more than you ask or imagine, He is all powerful, His timing is perfect…

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse everything I know of you…

psalm42:6 Msg

Just this morning I received an email that hit me hard and brought me to tears. A door that I thought was clearly open, was shut. I journaled about it, saying it felt like a game of cat and mouse. I was honest about my disappointment, but then I went back to the verses that the Lord gave me in a similar time of disappointment.

This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? … [No!] So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?

matthew 7:9-11

I’ve combined a couple of thoughts from Lysa TerKeurst and Craig Groeschel and made them a mantra:

God is good.

God is good to me.

God is good at being God.

I don’t sit where He sits.

I don’t see what He sees.

I don’t know what He knows.

God loves me beyond what I can understand.

2. Your ears. Who and what are you listening to? Sarah Bessey uses the phrase “Guard your gates”. Imagine there is a gate protecting your mind. You get to decide what you open it to. If you guard your gates, then nothing will come into your mind and heart that you don’t want in there.

Consider turning off any t.v. show, radio station, podcast, or social media that draws your heart away from God and weakens your faith.

We can also share with friends who will help bear our burdens, and listen to wise godly counselors who will encourage us in our waiting. Might you share the “out of control” you’re trusting God for in the comments so we can pray for each other?

If you receive this in an email, just click on the title and then scroll down on the post to leave a comment. If it’s your first time, it will not appear right away, but don’t worry! It will soon!

As always, I’d love to have you join me over on Instagram! It’s my favorite place for small doses of joy and inspiration!

What Do Formation and Escape Have to Do With You?

February 4, 2018 /

As I write this, I’m sitting in an airport lounge in Seoul, Korea.

We’ve been in the air over 17 hours and have 5 more to go in order to reach Hanoi, Vietnam, our destination.  I have something to drink, and a soft chair, and an internet connection, and I’m blessed to be heading to see the work of God in a new part of the world (to me). This is the best case scenario.

Still, travel represents one of the everyday experiences God can use for transformation. When we travel, so much is out of our control.

Think cancelled flights, lost luggage, crying babies, delays, and slow people who clog the TSA lines.

It doesn’t matter if it’s international travel, or going to Target with two toddlers in tow, our formation often comes in situations we want to escape from.

I think of another “traveler” – Moses – and his “toddlers”, the Israelites. If he had had his choice he probably would have gone it alone, and preferred straight line from Egypt to the Promised Land, bypassing the 40 years in the desert wandering thing.

When the Israelites are being difficult, Moses says, “What am I to do with these people?” Which is exactly the question you may be asking today.

Continue reading

Worst. Parents. Ever.

December 6, 2016 /

Do you ever feel this way? Like you must be the worst parents ever?

Do you feel like you’re perpetually living a Plan B Christmas? Like NOTHING is going right?

Amazon was out of the Syma S107 Remote Control Helicopter so your child will probably have to be in therapy because they will be warped – devastated by disappointment, and labeled with a huge L.

You ran out of time, so instead of homemade cookies for the Christmas pageant reception you ran through Target to scoop up some store-bought ones, which actually took you an hour and 17 minutes (almost as long as it would have taken you to bake them).

Decorating the Christmas tree was supposed to be a fun family activity, but your 4-year-old swooped around the tree in his superman costume and knocked off two of the heirloom ornaments from your mother, breaking them into tiny pieces which the dog immediately ate. You’re still cleaning up glittery dog vomit.

You’re not alone.

Have you ever thought that maybe Mary and Joseph felt like the worst parents ever?

Trying to adapt to a Plan B life, they’ve absorbed the loss of a traditional wedding and “It’s a Wonderful Life” family.

Now they’ve had 9 months to adjust to the news that Mary is growing, you know… GOD in her womb, and like any expectant parents they’re probably nervous but preparing to do their best.

Maybe Joseph has made a cradle. Maybe Mary’s mom is ready to come and help out when the baby arrives. They probably have a PLAN for Pete’s sake!

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I’m guessing that walking 90 miles from Nazareth to Bethlehem to register for the census was not part of their plan.

What do you think they felt as they traveled? Did their fear of the unknown come out sideways in anger or impatience with each other? Did their out-of-controlness in the big things cause them to be controlling with each other in the little things?

Maybe Mary figured that since she was carrying royalty, God would alert others in Bethlehem and someone would put her up in a beautiful home. Nope. Didn’t happen.

Did they hope that at least Plan B would include a modest room and a little privacy?  No luck there either.

In the stable – stinky, dirty, crowded, what were they thinking? Were they feeling like the worst parents ever?

We can’t know the anguished labor pains that may have come from Mary, or the desperate pleas that Joseph may have given for help because they aren’t recorded.

Did they felt confidently carried in the will of God, or did they felt panicky, like when company shows up early and you’re not ready?

What we do know is this. They did what they could. They accepted the unexpected with commitment and creativity. And that’s all we can do as parents.

“Help” is a prayer that is always answered. It doesn’t matter how you pray–with your head bowed in silence, or crying out in grief, or dancing. Churches are good for prayer, but so are garages and cars and mountains and showers and dance floors. Years ago I wrote an essay that began, “Some people think that God is in the details, but I have come to believe that God is in the bathroom.” – Anne Lamott

God is with you. In the dirty stable, or the bathroom or when you think you’re going to lose it with your mother-in-law.

You aren’t the worst parent ever. But you’re not the best parent ever either, because He is.

 

The Fields Preached Me a Sermon

October 21, 2016 /

In the predawn dark I see twinkle lights have dressed the trees on the square outside my Starbucks, but the fountain will be on for a few more days.

We’ve had a frost, but half the leaves are still holding on for dear life, like a climber dangling from a rocky cliff precipice, desperately clinging. They share one final gasp of color – a last hurrah.

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It’s that in-between time when change is coming and it may seem dark and ominous like that spooky abandoned house, or maybe to you it’s an invitation to comfy hibernation – a soft place by the fire while the wind howls in the dark outside.

Creation is my spiritual pathway. I love seeing more of God and myself through His hand in nature. When I walk I love to ask, “Lord, what do you have to show me about yourself and myself today?”

The other day this line struck me from my morning reading

The fields preached me a sermon. Proverbs 24:33 MSG

Isn’t that great?

One of the things I love about waking early in the morning is that when I walk to Starbucks, the stars are still bright and are such a powerful reminder that I did NOTHING to put them there, or keep them there, or guard them through the nighttime hours. They were there yesterday, and will be there tomorrow. Because God.

I breathe deeply and relax in His sovereignty. I am not the boss of the stars, or the leaves, the fields or the streams. They will keep growing, waking, sleeping, flowing. Because God.

stars_1

William Bebe was a friend of Teddy Roosevelt’s. He said the two of them would go out on the lawn at night and search the skies for a certain spot of star-like light near the lower left-hand corner of the Great Square of Pegasus.

Roosevelt would say: “That is the Spiral Galaxy in Andromeda. It is as large as our Milky Way. It is one of a hundred million galaxies. It consists of one hundred billion suns, each larger than our sun.” Then Roosevelt would grin and say, “Now I think we are small enough! Let’s go to bed.”

Lift up your eyes on high And see who has created these stars, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, Not one of them is missing. Isaiah 40:26

When our eyes look up, our anxiety goes down.

What sermon do the fields, or the stars, have to preach us today?

Living a Plan B Life

June 6, 2016 /

I’m taking a blogging sabbatical this summer, but will occasionally be sharing some posts from the past. Hope you’re soaking up God’s goodness and catching glimpses of His everyday grace!

Ice cubes.  6 small potatoes.  A get-well card.

Sometimes in line at the grocery store don’t you feel like the check-out folks are wondering, “What’s she really up to??”

In this case, each item represented “Plan B” on a day that screamed “I live a PLAN B LIFE!” in big and small ways.

  • The ice cubes were for our broken ice maker. (first world problems, right??)
  • The potatoes for a recipe gone wrong.
  • The card for a friend having a double mastectomy.

But this was just a small glimpse of bigger realities of disappointments and losses that got me asking questions like:

  • Lord, why is everyone else always in control and why do I never get my way?  (Clearly no Theresa of Avila here!)
  • Where are You in this and what are You trying to teach me?  Submission?  Humility?  Trust in your redemptive power? (Could I have Door 2 instead please?)
  • Is there anyone not living a “Plan B” life?  (Hard for me to think of anyone, but then I didn’t really want to think about anyone else cuz this was all about ME!)
  • How did Your Bible guys handle Plan B’s?  (Moses, David, Abraham, Paul…wow, a lot of Plan B’s)

Somehow, the most important Plan B discipline for the Bible guys seemed to be leaning in.  Not understanding necessarily.  Not having 1-2-3 answers.  But having the faith to say, “I choose to believe in you, God, more than this disappointment.”

Perhaps the spiritual discipline of Plan B involves giving up the illusion of control…giving up trying to write our own story and letting God write His story through us.

Or this…One line stood out in my Bible reading yesterday morning…

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?…How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him?” (Mt.7)

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I wonder how often God’s bread just looks like a stone to me because I think I know better than Him how my good gift should appear.  Part of the discipline of Plan B seems to be trusting in God’s goodness...His identity even when we can’t see or understand His activity.

Clearly I don’t have this figured out.  This is just me, wrestling with God after a Plan B day in a Plan B life.

I like to have a plan for everything.  And like all people, I like the plan to go my way.  Plan B is not my strong suit, but maybe it is actually my sweet spot (and yours), because it puts me where God wants me, needing to lean into Him.  For His grace.  His presence.  His power.  His understanding.

What’s your Plan B situation?  What are you learning in it about spiritual discipline?

Choose Your Own Adventure??

March 1, 2016 /

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books maybe you read as a kid ?

In each story, you, the reader, get to make choices that determine the main character’s actions in response to the plot and its outcome.

We like Choose Your Own Adventures because we have control, right?

But real-life God capers aren’t necessarily like that.

ADVENTUROUSLY EXPECTANT is my One Word for this year.

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” Romans 8:15

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Recently I received an invitation to participate in a trip and project with World Vision. It was totally unexpected. I was grateful for the invitation, but I wasn’t sure I was the right person for the project, and it is at a very inconvenient time when I’ll have to miss out on some meaningful events at home.

This isn’t just about me. Our two daughters recently had new job opportunities to consider. A young friend of mine is trying to discern where to go to college, and another started her own business.

When an invitation comes or a new opportunity presents itself (think new job, new project, new challenge), consider these steps:

  1. Ask friends to pray and give feedback.
  2. Ask questions:
    • What are the expectations of me before, during and after? (Every time we say “yes” to something, it means saying “no” to other things)
    • Are my gifts in line with this opportunity? Will I potentially add value by saying yes?
    • Is this opportunity or move likely to draw me closer to Jesus, or distract me from following Him?

3.  Pay attention to the promptings of the Holy Spirit (not your ego).

This recent invitation made me think of the story in the Bible of Paul and the man from Macedonia. Take a look, and try not to get bogged down in all the weird names.

Acts 16:6-10

6-8 They went to Phrygia, and then on through the region of Galatia. Their plan was to turn west into Asia province, but the Holy Spirit blocked that route. So they went to Mysia and tried to go north to Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus wouldn’t let them go there either. Proceeding on through Mysia, they went down to the seaport Troas.

9-10 That night Paul had a dream: A Macedonian stood on the far shore and called across the sea, “Come over to Macedonia and help us!” The dream gave Paul his map. We went to work at once getting things ready to cross over to Macedonia. 

It’s not wrong to make plans as long as we’re paying attention to the ways the Holy Spirit may want to tweak, refine, or change them.

Like I wrote at the beginning of the year, I’m trying to learn more about my “One Word”, so I read this and I reflect…What can I learn about God and myself?

  • God’s adventures are sometimes often inconvenient. I like convenience.
  • God’s adventures require open hands. I like control.
  • God’s adventures need us to pay attention. I am spiritually ADHD.

Sometimes the adventure lies in saying “no”, sometimes in saying “yes”. After prayer and counsel, I said “yes” to this opportunity. What about you? Where are you in the process of being adventurously expectant?

How do we Live a Plan B Christmas?

December 14, 2015 /

Last week I had the privilege of speaking at a women’s event in the Chicago area. As I prepared, I felt prompted to speak on kind of a strange topic for Christmas: Fear.

AKA worry, anxiety, angst, hot messiness…

The shepherds, Mary, Joseph, Zechariah… To each of them an angel says, “Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. Don’t. be. afraid.”

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It’s the most often repeated command in the Bible so I’m thinking there must be a lot of people dealing with it, right?

Fear is a weird emotion to associate with Christmas, but as I reflect on the shepherds, Mary, Zechariah and Joseph, it isn’t “CHRISTMAS” they are experiencing; it’s just LIFE – their ordinary, everyday walking around life.

And they lose any illusion of control, any illusion of “life as we know it” the moment an angel shows up, right?!!

LIFE isn’t going according to their plans.

They are living a life interrupted.

They are forced to adapt to a Plan B life.

The Plan B life may not be as safe, or predictable, or comfortable, or boring as they’d like, because there are new circumstances. But more than that, there’s a new character in their story. The main character has arrived; the messiah cleverly disguised as a baby in the muck and mess of a manger.

How many of us are living our Plan A life? Really.

  • You thought you’d have your dream job by now and you don’t.
  • You thought you’d be pregnant and you’re not.
  • You thought you’d he’d live and but he died.
  • You thought you’d be married by now and you’re not.

Plan B. Life is not going as we thought. Or hoped. Or dreamed.

But the main character, a baby has entered our Plan B life to be with us; to redeem and restore and make the story come out right in the end. 

Aaaannnd…spoiler alert: Love wins.

But how do we get from the fear or anxiety that comes with Plan B to the joy promised to all of us? Continue reading

What to do When You Don’t Know What to Do

July 27, 2015 /

I’m trying to get my feet back on the ground after a stretching season, so today, a re-post from 4 years ago. 

I ran into a 23-year-old friend the other day and asked how she was doing. “Being in your twenties is…awkward!” she answered.  “All these questions about what you’re going to do with your life…who you’ll be, where you’ll go…what to say ‘yes’ to.”

That same day I had coffee with a fifty-something friend who said her son is wrestling with some of the same unsettledness, and she herself is in a time of transition that has raised questions about God’s direction.  She said, “I thought by this age I’d have it figured out and be cruising along!”

24 hours earlier I had had dinner with a thirty-something friend who said, “My life looks a lot different now than I thought it would.”

Each person’s situation was different, but there was a common theme.  If I were God (a job that’s apparently already taken) I’d give detailed instructions like:

“Susan, I want you to move to 673 Elm St., Provo Utah,  join the Church-of-People-on-the-Right-Track, take the job with State Farm, (not General Mills), and order the tomato soup at Panera for lunch.”

And sometimes in the Bible God does that, like when God gives Ananias specific instructions (Acts 9:11) to go to the house of Judas on the street called Straight, (Love it!), but often it’s a bit fuzzier, like in Acts 15:28 where Paul writes, “It seemed good to us and the Holy Spirit…”

When I’m in seasons of discernment and transition, the three words that I feel like God often whispers to me are “Open your hands”

  • Open your hands…to release your plans in favor of God’s. Acknowledge your dreams, but don’t clutch them.  Release them to God to change, add, refine…
  • Open  your hands…to receive counsel from wise advisors who know you well, but don’t clutch it either.
  • Open your hands…to use what God has put in them, whether that seems like saying “yes” to dramatic invitations, or something that seems very small and quiet.  Respond to what God has put right in front of you.

That’s just me.  What has been helpful to you when making life decisions?  What have you sensed God whispering to you?

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