Tag: conflict (Page 1 of 4)

4 Things to Consider When Friends Love Jesus, but Don’t Agree With You

August 24, 2021 /

It was a gorgeous summer morning in Minneapolis and I decided to get in an early bike ride before it was too hot. If you haven’t had the privilege of visiting here, let me say that we have lakes. Lots of them. AND we have more dedicated bike trails than any other city in the U. S.

The lake I was riding around has a oneway bike trail which I had been following, but detoured along a street away from the lake. To get back to where I needed to go was complicated. The street was very narrow with no gutter so I didn’t feel comfortable there and veered up onto an empty sidewalk (not the bike trail because I was going the wrong way) thinking I could just ride a few feet to get back where I needed to be.

“IT’S ILLEGAL TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK!” yelled a man walking a dog (who was not on the sidewalk where I was). “IT’S ILLEGAL TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK!” he yelled again.

You know what I did? I started crying. (ok, I just got really teary, but still…)

“Why are you telling this ridiculous sidewalk story?” you may be asking.

That’s why. In this season when everyone seems to be offended by everything, we need more compassionate curiosity than self-righteous judgment.

Sidewalk biking is a small thing, but all of us are dealing with much bigger issues, like Covid vaccinations and masking, where we’re tempted to feel self-righteous and judgmental.

This. Is. So. Hard. When people who love Jesus come to different conclusions about the best course of action, how do we handle it?

I am unapologetically in favor of getting vaccinated for Covid and masking where called for. I am guided by the biblical mandate to love others by protecting the most vulnerable, prioritizing the common good over my individual rights or desires, and stewarding the medical resources God has graciously given us.

But I’ve been in conversations with friends and family who don’t agree with me. They have a variety of reasons for coming to different conclusions. So, unlike the stranger yelling at me on the sidewalk, how can we navigate the dynamics of these relationships in ways that honor God and others made in His image?

1. Acknowledge that we are all “Extra Grace Required” (EGR) people in this season.

We have been through a lot. We’re carrying the losses of the past year and a half, like a wounded soldier with PTSD carrying his buddy out of a combat zone. We’re wary and defensive. We need people to be gentle with us, as we need to be gentle with them. We’re all doing our best.

2. Prioritize a posture of compassionate curiosity.

When we look at Jesus, He asked questions much of the time (and He really DID know all of the right answers!). When we have the humility to be genuinely interested in what has informed someone’s decisions, we may still not come to agree with them, but we may come to a place of greater respect or understanding of a different point of view. If we want people to listen to us, we need to listen to them.

Questions open dialog and make influence possible. Consider asking:

  • Could you help me understand what led you to your position on this?
  • It’s clear you have a lot of emotion around this issue. What have you experienced that triggers this intensity?
  • What would you like me to know that I may misunderstand?
  • Are you open to hearing how I came to my position on this?

3. Look for common ground.

My brother and I disagree about getting vaccinated, and have different standards for masking. Earlier this summer I talked to him in person to try to better understand his position. Before we talked, he prayed for us, a reminder that the most important thing we have in common is a love for Jesus and each other.

We need to affirm each other’s willingness to have hard conversations, to show up, to be vulnerable.

Coming away from our conversation, I still don’t agree with his stance, but I better understand. I also better understand the relational pain he’s experienced in our family as a result of his choices and the way we’ve communicated.

4. Have good boundaries.

All this said, Covid is a life and death issue and our choices have worldwide consequences. I firmly believe that Jesus would have us pursue the qualities listed above, balancing grace and truth, but there are also times when we need to draw a line and say that it may not be healthy for us to continue to talk about this, or spend time together.

You might end up saying, “I’m sorry, but I will not spend time indoors with you because the choices you’re making feel unsafe, but I’d be happy to meet you outdoors. I love you and I want to find ways to prioritize our ongoing relationship.”

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.” 

2 Timothy 2:15-16

I am the first to say, “I really struggle with this and get it wrong so often!” I offer these thoughts as a fellow traveler, acknowledging we’re all doing our best (even mean yelling dog-walker guy who may have had sidewalk trauma in his past 🙂

I don’t think this is the best place to debate the issue of vaccines, but I would love to hear of your experience discussing hard issues and what you’ve learned in the comments.

If you receive this in email, just click on the title and scroll down to leave a comment. If this is your first or second time commenting, I have to approve it, so don’t lose heart if you don’t see it immediately.

For Such a Time as This?

June 2, 2020 /

Those of you who know me, know that I’m a celebration and confetti type of person.

My husband says my life is made up of exclamation marks. Joy is my default and I tend to run from pain and sadness like roadrunner from Wile E. Coyote.

Hello 2020.

I can’t possibly understand what people of color have, and are experiencing, but I, like all of us, need to listen, lament and respond. I have tried to do this over the years and need to keep learning and getting better at being anti-racist.

I’m sorry there was no artist attributed to this. If you know, please tell me.

Recently, with more injustice and racial discrimination coming to light, I have been re-reading the book of Esther – a book about the abuse of power and injustice.

I remember when our girls were in grade school, Tomie DiPaola was the author of the month and our daughter took this book to share, but was told she couldn’t because it was “religious”.

Ironically, it is the one book of the Bible where God isn’t mentioned, but like a picture window in the home of a toddler, His fingerprints are everywhere.

In case you need a (very) quick refresher...Vashti is queen, married to Xerxes. She refuses to come be put on display during one of Xerxes drunken orgies.

Xerxes banishes her and announces a beauty contest to look for new queen.

Esther lives with her uncle, Mordecai (both Jews), hides her Jewish identity, wins the contest and becomes queen.

Mordecai uncovers a plot to assassinate Xerxes and tells Esther who tells X, ingratiating herself, and Mordecai

Mordecai refuses to bow to Haman, Xerxes right-hand guy.

Haman, furious, gets X to let him make a decree that all Jews will be killed.

Mordecai laments, prays, and persuades Esther to intervene

Esther supported and challenged by Mordecai, advocates on behalf of her people and they are saved. Haman is impaled.

I’ve been looking at the different roles people were called to play (or didn’t).

  • Like Queen Vashti are we refusing to take part in systems that dehumanize? (Esther 1:10-12)
  • Are we King Xerxes, abdicating responsibility and turning a blind eye when Haman wants to kill the Jews? ( 3:10, 15)
  • Are we like Haman, concerned with protecting our power and dehumanizing others? (3:5,6)
  • Or Mordecai, telling truth, leading his people in appropriate response, and encouraging the voice of Esther? (4:7,8,12-14)
  • Are we, like the Jews, lamenting and praying? (4:1-3)
  • Or Esther, challenged to speak truth to power with wisdom and strategic timing? (7:3-4)

Again, I am just a learner, but here are some things I’ve been thinking about…

I do not, do NOT want to abdicate my responsibility to use my voice to speak out against racism and pursue new systems of justice, but I want to humbly listen, listen, listen to my brothers and sisters of color and learn from them, not plow forward as if I know anything.

I also think I need to look for places to be a Mordecai – lifting people of color who have credibility I don’t, to places of leadership and elevating their voices while I support them.

Another idea I’m thinking about is how God may want to use our unique gifts in unique ways as we respond. For example:

  • One of my gifts is the ability to connect people. How might I leverage that on behalf of the oppressed?
  • Another gift is hospitality. What does it look like to use that gift to champion God’s kingdom where His image is celebrated in all its diversity?

A couple of questions for you:

Is there someone in the story of Esther who you identify with or who convicts you?

What are your gifts and how might you be called to use them?

Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage.

In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don’t act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like.

James 1:19-24 MSG

How to Live in the Tension of Relationships that are…Complicated, Part 2

January 20, 2020 /

The other day I posted some thoughts about complicated relationships and the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Still, there are hard decisions to navigate when there is conflict among friends or family. How do we commit to both grace and truth?

If your 7 year old daughter scores two goals and plays a great game of soccer, but kicks someone on the opposing team while they’re down and walks away, is it right to only say “Way to go! You were awesome! You are such a great soccer player!”?

Is it a blessing to only affirm without also naming the pain caused to the opposing player? Obviously not, but other situations aren’t as clear. It’s…complicated, right?

Truth without grace isn’t really true. Rather, it is aggression disguised as discernment.
And grace without truth isn’t really gracious. Rather, it is codependency disguised as love.

Scott Sauls

This is the hard balance we try to navigate.

Photo by Leio McLaren (@leiomclaren) on Unsplash

Some of us lean towards grace, but are afraid of speaking truth. We hate the discomfort. We want people to like us.

Others lean towards truth telling. We are justice oriented, committed to right and wrong. We feel it’s most important not to let an offense slide.

How do we live like Jesus in these complicated relationships?

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John 1:14

You know the TSA motto? “If you see something, say something.”  Maybe it applies to relationships too…with a caveat.

Regardless of how you feel, if you see something positive in the other –  anything “excellent or praiseworthy” call it out! Affirm! Cheer! Celebrate!

But… If you see/feel something negative or wounding? That’s trickier.

Maybe say something, but first sit with it in the presence of God. Ask yourself:

  1. Why do I feel offended? Is this about me and some wound from my past, or is this about them?
  2. What is my part in this offense? Owning that is part of the “say something” too.
  3. If I talk to the other about this, is my motive one of blessing and bringing life (even if it is hard or uncomfortable), or do I just want to make myself feel better by telling them what a mean person they are?

What matters more to us—that we successfully put others in their place, or that we are known to love well? God have mercy on us if we do not love well because all that matters to us is being right and winning arguments.

scot sauls

4. Will this person be able to “hear” truth from me (as opposed to someone else), right now, and receive it in a way that is helpful? My spiritual director pointed out that timing is important. Look at Jesus’ words:

“I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t handle them now.”

John 16:12

Ohmygosh I have gotten this wrong sooooo many times!  Know that as I post this, I’m stumbling along, asking Jesus to grow me in this area.

A friend of ours recently said, “You can say anything as long as you say it at the right time and in the right key.” Paul said it like this:

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6

What about you? You KNOW I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community connection, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)

How To Live in the Tension of Relationships that are…Complicated, Part 1

January 13, 2020 /

I grew up in a classic TV “Leave it to Beaver” type home. No, my mom didn’t wear pearls while vacuuming, but life was predictable. You were kind to people and they were kind to you. You made mistakes, but you owned them, asked forgiveness, and it was given.

Life was simple. Safe. We were far from perfect (ahem), but I wasn’t aware of any drama growing up. My parents didn’t gossip, and they didn’t “ice” people out when there was conflict.

Boy did I get a wake-up call in adulthood! Relationships can be…complicated, right?

Someone criticizes us, or hurts our feelings…to our face, or worse, behind our back.

Several years ago, my husband John and I sat with a friend and colleague as he spewed criticism with such intensity and vitriol that it felt physical, like a bucket of bitterness was being dumped on our heads. John listened long and then said, “You’re right. We may not agree on everything, but here are two places where I think I made mistakes.” He proceeded to name them specifically.

After that, I waited for our friend to respond with some recognition of the possibility that perhaps his perspective was limited, or he also might be fallible. I hoped at least, for a recommitment to partnership in ministry, or acknowledgment of God’s redemptive power, but it never came.

Hard stuff to swallow. My journals reflect how much I have wrestled with what, if anything, to do in response.

Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. What do you do?

It seems we often move to one of two extremes when someone offends us.

  1. We lob “truth” grenades – hurling an explosive angry tirade towards the other (often in an email or even on social media), and then retreating to our bunker.

Or…

2. We stuff our resentment in the guise of “grace”, paste on a smile, and never address it.

Both may feel safe, but really? Maybe we’re just cowards either way.

In Scripture we’re told:

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing….” 1 Peter 3:9

But what does that look like in real life?

Usually in complicated relationships there’s plenty of blame to go around. We tend to magnify the ways we feel mistreated and minimize our own responsibility. I know I do!

Instead, we need to both ask for forgiveness, and offer forgiveness where needed.

Forgiveness is a way of blessing the other. Forgiveness says ” I want God’s best for you regardless of what you’ve done to me.”

In a Psychology Today article, Ryan Howes writes:

…reconciliation is an interpersonal process where you dialogue with the offender about what happened, exchange stories, express the hurt, listen for the remorse, and begin to reestablish trust. It’s a much more complicated, involved process that includes, but moves beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness is solo, reconciliation is a joint venture.

Ryan howes

Forgiveness is always possible, and so is redemption, but reconciliation is not. We are called to forgive no matter what, but if the other person is not willing to engage or own their part, you may not be able to reconcile the relationship. Even without reconciliation God can always, always redeem the pain though, if we look to Him to teach us through it.

What does it look like to choose blessing, to be “for” the other person whether they have been kind to you, or not?

Maybe, beyond forgiveness, it means praying for the other as authentically as you can.

Lord, I pray that You would pour out your love and mercy on friends who have hurt us. Help me to see the pain that may be motivating their words and actions. Help me to extend grace to them as You do to me.

What have you learned about navigating conflict? I’ll post more on this next week, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)

5 Responses When You’re Caught in the Middle of Conflict

August 19, 2019 /

Relationships. Ahhh they can be so complicated, right? If you’re like me, you need constant encouragement to keep working with the Lord on transformation in this area. So here’s another updated repost that I need to read to myself!

Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we’re still stuck between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world filled with pain and pride and power struggles.

We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, fighting, and falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.

John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends who are in the muck and mire of broken trust, accusations, and differing points of view. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded people who I trust are each doing their best to understand and respond with grace.

Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”

As we grieve each day, and exchange notes and calls of support for all involved, I ask over and over, “What do I know to do and not do? What is my role?”

Here’s what I believe God may be trying to teach me: 

  1. Pray, pray, and pray some more. I am praying fervently for each person involved. This is drawing me closer to God, the only One who knows all hearts and the only One who can bring truth, justice, and reconciliation. Only God can reveal, redeem, restore. I am praying more than ever given the fallout, longing for understanding and God’s intervention.

“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thes. 5;17

2. Choose your words carefully. What are we not to do? Gossip, judge, take sides… Our only job is to take responsibility for our actions and love everyone always. I need to ask myself:

  • Are my words and actions life-giving in this situation?
  • Am I asking questions instead of giving answers?
  • Am I speaking the truth in love?

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6

3. Examine your heart. The verse that keeps coming to mind is “The heart is deceitful above all things.” My heart. Your heart. My friends’ hearts.

Lately my prayer has been “Lord show me MY blindspots. Show me if I have unaddressed sin. Show me if I have caused pain inadvertently and give me the courage to respond with humility and contrition.”

Who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Psalm 19:12

4. Pay attention and learn. Satan is crafty beyond belief. Never, in a million years could we have imagined the scenario our friends are in. We are not to live in fear of Satan, but as wise followers of Jesus who have an enemy determined to thwart His work in the world. We need to be aware and prepared. One of the things I’ve learned by observing my friends in such difficult circumstances is not to isolate myself from those who may ask hard questions to hold me accountable.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lionlooking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

5. Humble yourself. Each of us must come to the Lord and each other with a posture of total humility, and a desire to question for greater understanding, treating everyone with love and respect.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselveswith compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13

Friends, we are all such messes. We all have so much stuff that needs forgiveness. Where would we be without an Easter God who knows us and loves us still, sending Jesus to die for our sins?

Anyone else have experiences to share in this area of friendship? Check out Psalm 25 as a good prayer for these days.

5 Ways to Respond When Leaders Prove Human

April 3, 2018 /

Sunday we celebrated our Easter God, but on Monday we still live between the now and not yet, between Easter and Jesus’ return, in a world still filled with pain and pride and power struggles. We all do our best to follow Jesus, but we lurch and stumble along like toddlers, falling into the mud every few steps, lifting our arms for Jesus to pick us up and dust us off once again.

John and I have been increasingly heartsick over the past few weeks. We are trying to love and support a group of good friends and colleagues who are in the muck and mire of a very public ministry mess. They are all gifted, kingdom-minded leaders who I trust are each doing their best to respond as accusations are leveled and the media spins sensational headlines.

Maybe you have been in a similar situation, caught between friends who are divorcing, or in the middle of some drama at work, or conflict at your church. Or maybe you’re the one who’s in the mud wondering “What happened?”

Continue reading

2 Words That Will Improve a Strained Relationship

January 7, 2018 /

A friend of mine returns after a holiday visit with her in-laws. The relationship with her mother-in-law has been rough as a pot-hole-filled Minneapolis winter road from the start. Different interests, different expectations for the relationship, different cultures, different education…all of these are factors that leave these two both feeling like they are walking through a minefield whenever they are together.

They each go into time together armored up…wary. Over time, they have come to anticipate detonation rather than delight. The other becomes freeze-framed  as a caricature of their worst self…

“She is so ____________”

“Why is she so sensitive about _________________”

“I always have to __________________.”

Whether an in-law, or colleague or friendship that has soured, most of us have a relationship like this in our lives. I do. And as I have been reflecting on my friend with the in-law, and me with a difficult friendship, this is where the Lord has led me.

Humility promotes healing. 

To improve a strained relationship we need to remove our armor, examine our own failings, and offer two authentic words.

Continue reading

A Post For Young Leaders

December 27, 2017 /

The other night John and I got an email. You know…one of those emails. The ones that make your heart race and your stomach do flip-flops. An email criticizing something you’ve done or said.

In this case it was me being criticized, but they wanted John, as senior pastor to know.

As a first-born rule-follower, people-pleaser with WOO as one of my strengths, this is just the worst. And being in ministry for 35 years, it’s been my biggest area of growth.

When I was younger, my immediate response would be ALL THE FEELS – embarrassment, shame, righteous indignation, anger, and (as a J on the Meyers Briggs)….. IMMEDIATE ACTION!!

Is is darn hard living with people’s displeasure, whether we’ve made a mistake, or there has been a misunderstanding, or we just disagree. There is no way to make all the people happy all the time.

This is the hardest lesson I’ve learned as a leader: It’s not my job to please everyone, but it is my job to pray and pay attention in order to learn from everyone.

This is the challenge for each of us: To allow criticism to teach us more about God, ourself, and others. 

I’ve grown a tiny bit over the years (and I’ve gotten much more used to criticism), so after my brief emotional freak out over this recent email, I settled down, prayed, and went to sleep.

The next morning I prayed again.

  • I listed all the issues I thought the critique-r raised.
  • I listed all the questions I needed to talk to God about, including “What is true? What is from You? How do I please not the critic, but YOU?”
  • Then I went through Scripture typing out any pertinent passage that might inform my thinking about the issues raised.

  • I prayed some more.
  • I wrote a response to the offended person and asked if we could talk face-to-face, but I didn’t send it immediately. I let it sit and came back to it 5 hours later.

 One of our rules is “Never argue in email.” I stand by this because body language, tone, and nuance are so important, and so easy to misinterpret in email, but I also see the value in putting something in writing that others can take the time to read over and process.

  • Before I sent it, I asked myself:
    • “Does this fail of grace?”
    • “Is there pride, resentment, self-righteousness…that I need to confess and deal with before sending this?”

In this case, I was fortunate because the critic who had been offended is someone healthy and well-meaning.

But that’s not always the case. One of the hardest parts of dealing with criticism is letting go.

We do our part. We pray and search for the kernel of truth. We apologize when appropriate, but we can’t control the response of the other. 

As Jesus-followers we’re supposed to be all about redemption, forgiveness, and do-overs. We’ve discovered that many give lip-service to those values, but not all are willing to do the hard work of living them out in real-life relationships.

It takes two to come to understanding and reconciliation. It takes two to truly listen to each other with compassionate curiosity. So it’s deeply disappointing when you feel like you’re doing your part, but not getting the response you envisioned.

This is when we need to do the further hard work of opening our hands and praying: “Lord, if I’ve missed anything that is mine to own, please show me. If I’ve done what’s mine, help me to forgive and let go.”

What about you? What has your experience been with criticism, conflict, and crucial conversations?

Three Questions to Prep You for a Dysfunctional Family Gathering

November 17, 2017 /

John likes to say he grew up in the Simpson family and I grew up in the Cleaver family.  For those of you born before this century that’s the Leave-it-to-Beaver-all-american-solve-the-oh-so-dramatic-problem-of-someone-telling-a-white-lie-in-30-minutes-and-live-happily-ever-after-TV-family-of-the-1960’s.DSC00619

I share that only because we’re coming up on Thanksgiving and Christmas and every holiday that involves families gathering together.

Some of us have dreams that look like this:

 

But reality can often look like this:

And as wonderful as my family is, and as much as I’d like to think they’re perfect, I’m resigned to face the truth that there is no such thing as a fully functional family.  We live in a broken world and we’re a broken people – dysfunctional in some way, every one of us.

It’s a little comforting to know we have some not-so-stellar company in Bible families.

  • Lot got drunk and slept with his daughter.
  • Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery.
  • David refused to deal with his son, Absolom’s sin.
  • Abraham slept with his wife’s servant.

Not exactly “Minnesota nice.”

“How is this encouraging?” you say!

Well, in spite of their sin, God forgave, redeemed and used them.  There is hope for all of us.

For those looking forward to Norman Rockwell gatherings this week, praise God.  But for those who are going into the crazy zone that is your family, what are some things you can do to prepare?

Think of the person or people you will see who brings out the worst in you. The person who tries your patience, or shames you, or prompts you to act like your two-year-old self.

Consider these insights from Henry Cloud:

“You can’t control outcomes. You can only control your behavior. Focus on that and you will get better outcomes.” 

  • What is it in you that needs to change?  What can you control?

“No one can manipulate you unless you need something from them….figure out what you need and you will discover the source of their power.”

  • What are you looking for from someone else that only God can perfectly give you?  Approval?  Forgiveness?  Love?
  • What can you authentically affirm in each of your family members?  A kind word can diffuse a lot of tension.

Most importantly, though, maybe prepare by praying.  Hands open.

Lord, I bow before You, marred, and messed up, just like the rest of my family.  Help me to see myself and Yourself more clearly.  Give me grace to cover the offenses of others.  Give me humility to ask forgiveness where I have offended.  Give me courage to speak the truth and pursue healthy boundaries.

So as you anticipate being with family sometime during the holidays, is it with excitement or  a knot in your stomach?  Are you going in prepared and prayed up?

The Six Hardest Words to Say to Each Other

May 23, 2017 /

In our marriage, John and I agree the six hardest words for us to say to each other are, “You were right.” (and even worse) “I was wrong.”

Or even “We were both right and we were both wrong.”

The thing is, not only are those words hard to say, it’s brutal work facing our own misperceptions and listening and getting to the place of being able to truly own the humility behind them.

A few people I know are in a bad spot right now. They are angry and hurt and sure that they are right and everyone else is wrong. They are so sure of their rightness, that they are not willing to talk or listen to anyone with a differing viewpoint.

If you’re reading this and your heart is racing, thinking “Is she writing about me???!!” The answer is yes. I’m writing about you (whoever you are). And me. And all of us.

Because who of us haven’t been in this spot from time to time – like a toddler with eyes squeezed shut and fists clenched, desperately in need of a “Settle down and take a time out until you’re yourself again.”

A few weeks ago I read the account of Saul’s conversion in Acts 9 in my devotional time and I have not been able to get one thought out of my mind.

Saul was PASSIONATELY religious. He was POSITIVE he was right and righteous and obedient to God as he persecuted Christians – eyes squeezed shut, fists clenched. Ironically he had to literally be blinded before he could recognize how spiritually blind he was. It was only when Jesus entered the picture that eventually his eyes were opened and he saw things differently. Slowly his hands and his heart opened to something new.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about. What things are we SO SURE OF? Are there perceptions or judgments that, if we invited Jesus in, He might change our minds, and uncover blind spots? That feels scary and vulnerable and really uncomfortable.

I LOVE being right! There are times when I gather my righteous indignation around me like a comfy blanket on a cold dark night. I don’t like the thought that I might be wrong!

So….What do you feel self-righteous about? Who is someone you disagree with? What questions could you ask to better understand their perspective?

Today I pray: Lord your Word says our hearts are deceitful above all things. Only You can uncover my blind spots, my impure motives, my misperceptions, my self-righteousness. I desire to humble myself before You today. Search me and show me where I’m wrong…where I need to ask forgiveness…where I need new eyes to see.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

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