I grew up in a classic TV “Leave it to Beaver” type home. No, my mom didn’t wear pearls while vacuuming, but life was predictable. You were kind to people and they were kind to you. You made mistakes, but you owned them, asked forgiveness, and it was given.
Life was simple. Safe. We were far from perfect (ahem), but I wasn’t aware of any drama growing up. My parents didn’t gossip, and they didn’t “ice” people out when there was conflict.
Boy did I get a wake-up call in adulthood! Relationships can be…complicated, right?
Someone criticizes us, or hurts our feelings…to our face, or worse, behind our back.
Several years ago, my husband John and I sat with a friend and colleague as he spewed criticism with such intensity and vitriol that it felt physical, like a bucket of bitterness was being dumped on our heads. John listened long and then said, “You’re right. We may not agree on everything, but here are two places where I think I made mistakes.” He proceeded to name them specifically.
After that, I waited for our friend to respond with some recognition of the possibility that perhaps his perspective was limited, or he also might be fallible. I hoped at least, for a recommitment to partnership in ministry, or acknowledgment of God’s redemptive power, but it never came.
Hard stuff to swallow. My journals reflect how much I have wrestled with what, if anything, to do in response.
Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. What do you do?
It seems we often move to one of two extremes when someone offends us.
- We lob “truth” grenades – hurling an explosive angry tirade towards the other (often in an email or even on social media), and then retreating to our bunker.
Or…
2. We stuff our resentment in the guise of “grace”, paste on a smile, and never address it.
Both may feel safe, but really? Maybe we’re just cowards either way.
In Scripture we’re told:
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing….” 1 Peter 3:9
But what does that look like in real life?
Usually in complicated relationships there’s plenty of blame to go around. We tend to magnify the ways we feel mistreated and minimize our own responsibility. I know I do!
Instead, we need to both ask for forgiveness, and offer forgiveness where needed.
Forgiveness is a way of blessing the other. Forgiveness says ” I want God’s best for you regardless of what you’ve done to me.”
In a Psychology Today article, Ryan Howes writes:
…reconciliation is an interpersonal process where you dialogue with the offender about what happened, exchange stories, express the hurt, listen for the remorse, and begin to reestablish trust. It’s a much more complicated, involved process that includes, but moves beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness is solo, reconciliation is a joint venture.
Ryan howes
Forgiveness is always possible, and so is redemption, but reconciliation is not. We are called to forgive no matter what, but if the other person is not willing to engage or own their part, you may not be able to reconcile the relationship. Even without reconciliation God can always, always redeem the pain though, if we look to Him to teach us through it.
What does it look like to choose blessing, to be “for” the other person whether they have been kind to you, or not?
Maybe, beyond forgiveness, it means praying for the other as authentically as you can.
Lord, I pray that You would pour out your love and mercy on friends who have hurt us. Help me to see the pain that may be motivating their words and actions. Help me to extend grace to them as You do to me.
What have you learned about navigating conflict? I’ll post more on this next week, but in the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! If you get this in email, just click on the title and it will take you to the site where you can post a comment. If it’s your first time, don’t worry if it doesn’t show up right away! And if you’re interested in some smaller doses of joy and community, join me over on Instagram. (You can turn on “notifications” in the upper right-hand corner if you want to know when there is a post.)
