The other day I posted some thoughts about complicated relationships and the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Still, there are hard decisions to navigate when there is conflict among friends or family. How do we commit to both grace and truth?
If your 7 year old daughter scores two goals and plays a great game of soccer, but kicks someone on the opposing team while they’re down and walks away, is it right to only say “Way to go! You were awesome! You are such a great soccer player!”?
Is it a blessing to only affirm without also naming the pain caused to the opposing player? Obviously not, but other situations aren’t as clear. It’s…complicated, right?
Truth without grace isn’t really true. Rather, it is aggression disguised as discernment.
Scott Sauls
And grace without truth isn’t really gracious. Rather, it is codependency disguised as love.
This is the hard balance we try to navigate.
Some of us lean towards grace, but are afraid of speaking truth. We hate the discomfort. We want people to like us.
Others lean towards truth telling. We are justice oriented, committed to right and wrong. We feel it’s most important not to let an offense slide.
How do we live like Jesus in these complicated relationships?
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14
You know the TSA motto? “If you see something, say something.” Maybe it applies to relationships too…with a caveat.
Regardless of how you feel, if you see something positive in the other – anything “excellent or praiseworthy” call it out! Affirm! Cheer! Celebrate!
But… If you see/feel something negative or wounding? That’s trickier.
Maybe say something, but first sit with it in the presence of God. Ask yourself:
- Why do I feel offended? Is this about me and some wound from my past, or is this about them?
- What is my part in this offense? Owning that is part of the “say something” too.
- If I talk to the other about this, is my motive one of blessing and bringing life (even if it is hard or uncomfortable), or do I just want to make myself feel better by telling them what a mean person they are?
What matters more to us—that we successfully put others in their place, or that we are known to love well? God have mercy on us if we do not love well because all that matters to us is being right and winning arguments.
scot sauls
4. Will this person be able to “hear” truth from me (as opposed to someone else), right now, and receive it in a way that is helpful? My spiritual director pointed out that timing is important. Look at Jesus’ words:
“I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t handle them now.”
John 16:12
Ohmygosh I have gotten this wrong sooooo many times! Know that as I post this, I’m stumbling along, asking Jesus to grow me in this area.
A friend of ours recently said, “You can say anything as long as you say it at the right time and in the right key.” Paul said it like this:
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Colossians 4:6
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