Category: Life-Giving Relationships (Page 4 of 4)

3 Crucial Commitments for a Strong Marriage, Part 2

April 25, 2018 /

Monday I posted the first in this series of commitments to strengthen our marriages. About a week ago there was a news story that made me think about the second commitment in marriage that’s crucial. The story was about a woman who went at high speed around a sharp curve in California and went through the guardrail, crashing into the ocean. It made me think of how many accidents have been prevented by that guardrail over the years.

It turns out that the woman who crashed through the guardrail in California wanted to, and we will find a way around our guardrails too if we’re determined to crash. But, if we want to set ourselves up for success in our marriage, we’ll install some form of guardrail before we’re on a slick, winding road. The Bible reiterates this.

The wisdom of the wise keeps life on track; the foolishness of fools lands them in the ditch.

The wise watch their steps and avoid evil; fools are headstrong and reckless. Proverbs 14:8, 16

So here’s the second commitment:

Continue reading

How Do You Choose Life in the Midst of Death?

May 7, 2016 /

Today is the 6 year anniversary of the last day we shared with my precious brother on this earth. He died too young and we miss him terribly. I share this in the hopes that it will encourage those of you, in particular, who have dealt with loss this year.

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Dear Baby David,

It’s a lilac-blooming, cut-grass wafting, bike-riding spring season here. Life is bursting out everywhere.

Today is your birthday. It’s also Mother’s Day – a cruel irony for Mom.

A year ago you were in the midst of the fight for your earthly life. And then in two months it was over.

You’ve been gone from our sight since July 18th, but you continue to show up when I see a mischievous grin, or an arms-open-wide welcome, the painting of a fly-fisherman, a dad playing ball with his kids, a question that is asked in order to take a faith conversation beyond the surface…

It’s still hard to comprehend that you are not physically here with us. As the year progresses, we link arms as a family, stumbling together through the holidays and everydays. The thing we share is our steadfast love of you and each other. But we each grieve and process in different ways. We’re trying to listen deeply to each other.

I think when someone we crazy-love dies (husband, dad, brother, son) the biggest challenge is continuing to choose Life.

First of all, we just. don’t. WANT. to. We want to wake up and have you grilling on the patio like you should be. We don’t want to let you go – as if we could, by sheer will pull you back in like a kite that has been taken out of sight by the wind.

Also, it feels somehow that letting go and envisioning a new life without you in it is wrong…a betrayal. Like doing that somehow negates our love and devotion to you…How can we possibly continue without a vital, beloved piece of our lives?

But here’s the thing that helps me. In the everyday ordinary stuff and even as you were dying, you chose Life.

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You chose Life first and foremost because you chose Jesus, affirming that He loves and forgives us, and as you always said, “He’s the good Author of our story.”

And then you chose life by seeing the image of Jesus in others, and serving those who felt like their life was over, and by laughing easily at yourself, and by your delight in His creation.

So we continue to choose Life even in the midst of death.

Susan is both devastated and courageous.

The tension between acceptance and the temptation to be stuck wallowing forever is real, but she has taken monumental steps in choosing Life.

She can be brave because you affirmed every day that she is capable of doing hard things. You would be so proud of her just as we are.

  • She does the hard dance of stretching herself, but knows when she needs to withdraw and rest with Jesus.
  • Her faith remains authentic and vibrant, but she hasn’t been able to go back to church without you and she knows that’s ok in this season.
  • She goes back into cancer wards with Sophia the wonder dog to bring comfort in painful situations she is all too familiar with.

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  • She organized Team Dave Strong and Courageous to raise money for Melanoma research.

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  • She is painting the downstairs a lighter color to lighten her mood.
  • She put together the Dave Johansen Memorial Leadership Lending Library at your office, so you are continuing to mentor others even in your absence.
  • She seeks grief support and community, but isn’t afraid to say what is helpful and what isn’t, what’s too soon, what’s uncomfortable, and what works. She recently has connected with a group of young widows started by another person YOU influenced with your life.
  • And she continues to seek glimpses of the Eternal. This was what she posted yesterday.

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Loss hurts, but love wins when we continue to choose Life. You probably already know all this, but we’re trying down here. We’re really trying.

love,

Your “Sweet sis”

How to Have a Crucial Conversation

September 15, 2014 /

Recently we met for dinner with a young couple we love whose marriage is in crisis.

Another friend’s teenage son entered rehab.

Two friends had to fire employees.

One needs to break up with her boyfriend.

AAAAARRRGGGHHH!  For the love of world peace!

In each of these situations a crucial conversation (or series of them) was called for.  Conversations where emotions ran high.  Sometimes there was a difference of opinion.   Perhaps there was hard truth that needed to be clearly, but gently communicated.

John and I often repeat something our friend Nancy Beach once said: “Leadership is a series of hard conversations.”  I think that might as well be “LIFE is a series of hard conversations.”

In August we took a large group from our church to the annual Leadership Summit at Willow Creek.  The most pertinent talk for many of us was called “Crucial Conversations” by Joseph Grenny.

He said, any time you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations you’re not having, or not having well. Continue reading

Do you have a “Parade” Home?

May 30, 2012 /

I’m a house person.  I love them.  I love people who can create warm and welcoming environments where lively conversation happens and memories are made.

I love snooping around houses on the “Parade of Homes” tour in the spring and fall.  And by that I mean coveting and taking pictures and pretending someday I’ll actually have the money to create similarly lovely rooms.

But I’m also critical (as if I had a design degree, which I don’t).

The problem, in my mind, is that most houses are too divided up.

John says I never saw a wall I didn’t want to knock down.  And we’ve knocked down a wall or two in homes that we’ve owned.  These were messy propositions and the process left us feeling uncomfortable and unsettled.

For one season the microwave was in the study and there was a 4 ft. square hole in the floor of the family room that I stepped through, almost ending up in the basement.  A tad disconcerting.

This is a house I’ve ridden and run by on many days.  They’ve been working on it for what seems like at least 37 years.  First I watched them demolish the previous house.  Then cart off the rubble.  Then excavate and dig and pour a foundation and slowly, slowly begin to re-build.

If I were the owners I’d be going crazy.  I’d be so ready to settle for the quick version.  A little less attention to detail.

When I ride by I think of this quote by C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house.

At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to?

The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

I’ve realized lately that there are some walls in my life that I’ve made load-bearing that weren’t meant to be.  And by that I mean some relationships.  I’ve expected them to bear the weight that only Jesus is meant to bear.

And they’ve come crashing down.

In His knocking about, Jesus has removed some relational supports that I really valued.  More than I should, perhaps.  Load-bearing walls that I was depending on too much to give me worth, identity…

And then the demolition process feels kind of like stepping on an old barn ladder rung and having it snap.  All of a sudden you’re left hanging by one hand and the shock is a little scary and anger-producing and you’re thinking, “What just happened??”

But God whispers, “That friendship wasn’t meant to hold all your weight.  And it wasn’t meant to define your worth.  Only I am.  And I think you’re spectacular.  No matter what.  And your house is gonna be a lot more beautiful when I’m done with it.”

Can you relate?  Is God “knocking about” in your “house”?

Who’s Dancing with You?

February 1, 2012 /

I really admire my husband.

He’s brilliant and wise and athletic and better than me at everything.

Except maybe one thing.

When we were dating, we never danced.

And when we got married we didn’t have dancing at our reception.

And when we went to our first wedding reception as a married couple he didn’t ask me to dance and I cried and was sure he didn’t really love me.

I wrote recently that some friends and I have wrangled our husbands into taking dance lessons, and I’ve finally discovered why this has not been part of our life together up til now.  I’m not gonna sugar coat it.  I’m no Ginger Rogers, but John is truly bad.   I don’t understand it.  How can someone who’s so coordinated in so many other areas be so…not…in this area?  Sometimes we just have to stop trying because we’re laughing so hard.

It’s one thing to have humility thrust upon you.  You make a mistake and have to apologize.  Like BP and their oil spill.  Or the captain of the cruise ship in Italy that ran aground.  Or Lindsay Lohan.  You’re given a job to do and things don’t go well.  You’re humbled.

But to choose to step into a situation where you know you’re weak, vulnerable, open to ridicule?  That takes love.

Doing this together with some of our closest friends has led me to another conclusion.

We all need friends who will dance with us.  People with whom we feel safe enough to say “yes, we’ll join you” even when it makes us vulnerable, or it’s risky, or has the potential to be downright embarrassing.

These are the people who will always laugh along with you and defend you and pray for you and forgive you even when toes are getting stepped on or you’ve made a wrong turn and bumped into them.

These are the people you can call at midnight when your world seems to be falling apart, or you have exciting news.  You help them carry their lamps and wine glasses to their new home and they help fix your leaky faucet.

They’re the ones who show up with chicken soup when you’re sick and light sparklers with you on holidays and stand at the graveside with you when your dad dies.

They write notes to your kids and you take theirs sailing.  You’ve run out of gas together on vacation and you’ve prayed.  Wow, have you prayed.  Together and separately, through laughter and tears.

Waltz.  Jitter bug.  Fox trot.

They know all your weaknesses and how you miss the beat and can’t twirl, but they still love you.

These are our people and we’re theirs.

More than anything they have our back.  And we have theirs.  No matter what.

Like I said before, these humiliating dance lessons were a choice, but recently John has been in another situation that has required public apologies and explanations and some people have been really mad, and others have been really mean, but then…there are those we dance with.

Recently, after a hard experience, a friend gave John a hug, and later he found that this note had been slipped into his pocket.

If you don’t have friends who will dance with you, find them.  They’re out there.  And if you do have friends who dance with you, maybe remind them you’ve got their back (or their toes).

Who’s dancing with you?

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