Category: Life-Giving Relationships (Page 1 of 4)

Who Are You Keeping Score With?

October 15, 2022 /

My husband John and I used to love mowing our lawn. I don’t know why. Maybe because it was outside in the wide green world and it gave us a break from kid duty. These days, not so much. (note: in place of the grass in this picture, the other day we got snow 😬)

Our front yard is a steep hill that is ankle twisting and we have a tree that seems to take sadistic glee in throwing down small branches like grenades to block our path so we have to stop multiple times to clear the minefield.

Anyway, I was mowing the lawn the other day, thinking John would probably hear and come out to relieve me at some point. It’s possible I may have speculated about a way to turn up the volume on the mower, or considered “accidentally” ramming it into the side of the house so John would know how sacrificially I was serving him!

But he didn’t seem to notice, and didn’t come out. Eventually I realized I was going to have to do the whole thing. And I started tallying my scorecard.

You know what I mean. When you start making a list in your head all the things you’ve done for your spouse or your friend, versus what he (or she) has done for you to decide if it’s even-Steven or if you should be ticked that you’ve done more to sacrifice/serve/go out of your way for them than they have for you.

Who’s on your scorecard? Your spouse? A sibling? A friend or colleague?

As I thought about it, John was way ahead on this particular day. He had done laundry, made up the guest room bed, and sat on hold for many minutes trying to sort out our insurance because our car was stolen. Hmmm….He “wins” this round.

Then I thought, “What if God kept score like I do?” The good, the bad, what I do (ostensibly) for Him, what I do for myself… It would never balance out.

Fortunate the person against whom the Lord does not keep score.

Romans 4:7 msg

Acts 10:29 says Jesus, filled with power and the Holy Spirit “went around doing good…” Not because He wanted to draw attention to Himself, or because the people He came across were so deserving, or because He wanted to balance out a scorecard.

Grace spoils us rotten. We don’t do math in our family, but even I know it doesn’t add up.

The secret to my parents’ marriage seems to be their ability to out-serve each other. They don’t keep score. My dad is inordinately patient, waiting for my mom in the car outside church, grocery stores, clothing shops, farm stands… when she doesn’t deserve it.

And my mom accommodates my dad’s picky eating habits, making him a special side salad with the homemade thousand island dressing, or a separate casserole without onions, zucchini, or mushrooms when he doesn’t deserve it.

Grace promotes grace. The more aware we are of the lavish love of God, the more we desire to serve Him. When I feel spoiled by John, when he serves me, I want to serve him.

But what if for now, I tear up the score card, put my head down and focus on blessing John, praying for him as I push the mower through the minefield of my self-centeredness?

Why Are People So Mean These Days and What Can We Do?

October 8, 2022 /

Living life in 2022 is really hard. I know people tell you that. And they’re right. Everyone just seems meaner.

I’m convinced we’re in a global season of the “terrible two’s”.

We’re just so tired of not getting our way, that we’re all throwing tantrums and grasping for any little thing we can possibly control.

We’re tired of Covid restrictions, and worrying about Ukraine and nuclear war, the stock market, and having to pay high gas prices, and weary of trusting leaders who let us down.

We all have a little kingdom and we want a sense of being king (or queen), darn it! We want to exercise our rule and right now it’s all about us.

So we rail at the barista who got our drink wrong,

or rant to our friend about all the changes the CEO of an organization is making,

or we write our pastor to let him know in no uncertain terms that he hasn’t said enough,

or he’s said too much about ___________(you fill in the blank).

We yell at the person who is riding his bike on the sidewalk, because you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!

We (I 😬) major on truth without grace.

We abuse the idea of “boundaries” (a good thing), using it as an excuse to cancel at the last minute because we don’t feel like doing something. It’s one choice we can make, in a world out of our control, so we do.

That family tradition of celebrating Thanksgiving together? “Well, there are too many people, and I’m an introvert, so I don’t want to come anymore.” (Note: not me, but the hypothetical person I”m writing about). “I just want choices”. And it’s all about what’s best for me.

We’re angry and frustrated, and we want to let everyone know.

It’s hard, but I’m trying to ask these questions:

  • What is this anger really about? Why am I so worked up? Or why are they? What’s the thing beneath the thing?

  • How important is this as part of the bigger story God is writing?

  • What are some constructive, God-honoring choices I do have?

  • What am I hoping the choice I’m making will accomplish?

Breathe in: Almighty God, Prince of Peace

Breathe out: Help me to be gentle with others.

How to Raise Resilient Kids in a Dangerous World

September 24, 2022 /

I was treading water in Lake Geneva on a hot summer afternoon, wondering if I might die. My 8 year old eyes were focused 12 feet above me on the 4 foot square wooden platform attached to a pier with a vertical ladder – like the tiny platform the circus clown jumps off and into a bucket of water. My cousin climbed the rickety steps while other siblings and cousins waited in line behind him.

Here was the game we were playing: Kid #1 jumps off the “high dive” (read rotted wooden death trap) and treads water below while Kids 2, 3, 4…, one at a time, try to jump as close as possible without crushing the ones in the water until everyone is in the water, hopefully all still breathing. Fun times!

Yep, kind of like human bocce ball but with higher stakes.

What can I say? We were creative and adventurous.

I look back on the things my parents let me do (including traveling in Europe alone) and I am astounded that I’m here to tell about it.

As a parent myself of kids who have now survived to adulthood, I’m amazed they made it relatively unscathed too. There are many times I look back and say to myself, “What were we thinking??!!!”

I love this post from my friend, Rachelle! We’re all just doing the best we can!

The world is vastly different from when I was a kid, or when my kids were young. None of us had active shooter drills at school. So what are the crucial choices we make to foster independence while keeping our kids, grandkids, or students safe in a dangerous world?

As my friend, Sally says “I’ve basically got my kids for 18 years. I need to make the most of the time and steward it well.”

Although I applied it very imperfectly, the best thing I learned when my kids were little is this:

We have three jobs: protect our kids, prepare them, and pray for them.

What the first two look like at different ages will vary.

1. When they are little we major on protecting them.

We put child locks on cupboards and strap them in car seats.

We also ask ourselves questions like:

  • What controls should we put on different tech devices?
  • When should we let our kids have a phone?
  • Are sleepovers with friends ok?

2. As they grow, there is less we can do to protect them, and we major on preparing them for the dangers they are increasingly navigating alone.

We have conversations at the dinner table, anticipating different situations they may have to navigate.

We tell the truth about the dangers they may face, but we remind them that the Creator of the universe is with them, equipping them for any situation.

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

2 Cor. 9:8

“The Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world.”

1 john 4:4

3. No matter what age they are, we cover our kids in prayer.

Lord, I can’t be with my kids every moment, but You can.

I can’t know everything, or see everything, but You do.

I place them in Your hands.

Father, help them to be brave, and wise and kind.

Protect them in body, mind, and spirit.

May they see unmistakable evidence of your love and faithfulness today.

What are some of the situations your kids may face right now at the age they are? I’d really like to hear from you in the comments!

What’s at the Root of Your Loneliness and What Can You Do About it?

September 10, 2022 /

Recently, a pastor I was listening to, shared some information that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about (and not in a happy clappy way).

Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, scientists experimented with a closed ecological system in Arizona called Biosphere 2. I don’t do science or math and maybe you don’t either, but stick with me.

They created rainforest, ocean, wetlands, savannah, and desert inside a dome in order to see if something similar could be used in outer space.

Here’s what happened. The trees grew quickly, but then fell over!  One commentator said, “the lack of wind created trees with much softer wood than that species would normally make in the wild. They grew more quickly than they did in the wild, but were harmed in the long run as a consequence.” 

This stuck with me because I’ve been thinking about how much comfort and convenience has become an idol in our (MY!) lives.

We’re so committed to comfort and convenience through technology that there is less and less “wind” in our lives to help deepen our relational roots with God and others.

Think about some of the ways we try to prevent any relational wind in our lives.

  • We order through Amazon, or mobile order our coffee so we don’t have to interact with an actual person who may be irritating to us, and we get what we want as quickly as we want. Like magic!

  • We attend online church (if we attend at all) so we can cherry-pick the communicator we like, with the music we like, at the time we like, and fast-forward through anything that might be boring or challenge our status quo.

  • We keep our heads down, eyes on our phone screens to protect us from awkward social situations and prevent us from ever having a moment to look around and be present to God and others.

  • We stream movies so we don’t have the inconvenience of driving to a theater, or text an excuse and bail at the last minute because we don’t feel like going out.

We choose to be consumers at the cost of community.


Again, I really don’t want to think about this, but I see 3 consequences of this abundantly technological life of no wind:

1. It gives us the misperception that we are God.

We are in control of all of the things, so what need do we have of fostering a closer relationship with the true sovereign God? Is technology our new tower of Babel? Where we originally got off track was in our desire to be autonomous. To “be” God. We’re not. He knows what we don’t know. He sees what we don’t see. He is our good and sovereign creator. We were meant for a dependent relationship with Him.

2. It isolates us,

preventing us from the comforting and spiritually formative relationships God created us for.

A new report suggests that 36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.”

The effect of all this technology is comfort, yes, but also isolation. Loneliness. Connection comes at a cost.

A friend of mine had been a barista for years, but recently quit, partly because with mobile orders there was so little of the human interaction he loved.

3. It makes us less grateful.

We just moved back from the Bay area of California where the weather is close to perfect. Basically 72 degrees and sunny. Every. Day. (almost).

That’s great, but you start to take it for granted. You never have to adjust or adapt. Someone I knew planned an outdoor wedding with no contingency plan for bad weather!

Here in Minnesota I think we are over-the-top obnoxious about our gorgeous summers and falls because the winters are so harsh. The grit makes us more aware of the gift.

We can’t control the weather, but the ability to adjust the thermostat of our lives in so many areas dulls our senses to the work of God and His image in others.

SO WHAT??! Why choose what feels inconvenient? We’re weary of all the “wind” of the war and the economy and politics and Covid.

Deep breath. That’s not what I’m talking about. Instead of giving into the anxiety that these things produce, maybe pray:

Lord, today, may I not forget my need of you.

May I look up and around more than I look down at my phone.

Help me to listen with my eyes as well as my ears.

Prompt me to pause to pet puppies, compliment the cute dress on the stranger in line at the grocery store, make the soup for a sick friend, go next door to welcome the new neighbors, and bike to church even when the preacher of the day isn’t my favorite.

Make me a world-class noticer of the longing, the loneliness, the battered and the beautiful, all around me.

When I see something, remind me to say something – “thanks”, “sorry”, “wow.“

May I show up when it’s easier to shut down.

May I be a truth-teller and a grace-giver instead of a canceler of relationships when things get uncomfortable.

May connecting with You and others trump comfort, and may commitment take priority over the convenience of staying home.

Amen

3 Practices to Help You Not Just Survive, But Thrive in Changing Seasons

September 3, 2022 /

I glimpse a small patch of bright fire red in the middle of still-green maple leaves as I bike through my neighborhood to Starbucks early in the morning, greeting dog-walkers and porch sitters with their first cup of coffee. Cardinals chirp and I imagine they are discussing plans to head south.

It’s not cold yet, but there’s a change in the air. The mornings are cooler and soon it will take all day for the sun to warm the earth, barely struggling up to the high, like a middle school boy trying to do chin-ups, then sliding quickly back down.

Yellow buses lumber through the neighborhood doing practice runs and we notice that dusk tiptoes in earlier. I smile at “bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils”.

I want to light candles, make soup, bake muffins. Things are changing.

Whether you’re back to packing lunches and driving carpools, adjusting to a new baby in your home, or anticipating a change in employment, moving to a new city, or trying to accept a “new normal” without a loved-one, Fall marks a season of change. And even good change can be hard.

I look forward, “adventurously expectant” (Romans 8:15 MSG) to what God has next, but still… It’s got me reflecting on how to “choose life”(Deuteronomy 13:19) while also in the midst of the grieving that inevitably comes with change.

Here are three practices I’m engaging in:

1. Honor Traditions

In seasons of change, traditions are comforting and reassuring.  Throughout Scripture God institutes festivals and celebrations that are woven into the rhythm of the year to help us remember His faithfulness. (Exodus 12:14-16; Joshua 4:6-8)

One of our traditions through the years as our daughters were growing up, was a “first day of school dinner” to which we invited two single friends on staff to join our family. They are like surrogate aunties for our girls. We always had homemade chicken pot pie and share “first day” highlights with laughter and thanksgiving.

What traditions can you continue to embrace (or even create) during a season of change?

2. Reflect on Relationships

Change in location or circumstances often means change in relationships. Some people you’ve seen regularly will seemingly vanish from your everyday life.

Transition is a good time to do a relational Examen. Reflect on the people in your life.

  • Are there any relationships where there might be unresolved issues?
  • Who are the friends that remain steadfast through changing seasons? How do you continue to nurture those relationships? 
  • Are there places where God is prompting you to reach out and make new friends?

Recently, God convicted me that there was a past relationship where I hadn’t sufficiently checked in to make sure there wasn’t unspoken pain. I felt like maybe I hadn’t adequately cared for this person in her time of transition, so I set up a coffee to ask how she felt. Is there someone you’ve been too busy to see in this new season? Might they be hurt?

3. Focus on the unchanging character of God

What are the attributes of God, the glimpses of grace and goodness you can call out each day as a counter-weight to the circumstances which may feel out of control or stressful in seasons of change?

If you have kids, can you share “God-sightings” around the dinner table?

Or journal about them? Or have a texting agreement with a friend – each of you texting how you remember God’s attributes each day?

The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.

psalm 33:11

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness

lamentations 3:22-23

So, those are my thoughts on what helps when change seems to throw me a loop. Maybe just pick one to focus on each day this week.

If you’re a busy mom, click here to sign up for a free week of Devotional Moments for Moms.

And what ideas would YOU share? If you receive this in email, just click on the title at the top and it will take you to the website where you can leave a comment.

What Story do You Want to be Able to Tell in Fifteen Years?

June 7, 2022 /

On this blog I share stories from my life, but my deepest prayer is that they wouldn’t be just about me, but about all of us and our quest to see the hand of God in all of life.  Even though this was written 10 years ago, and a lot has changed, I hope it’s meaningful for parents and sons and daughters alike.

A Letter to my Daughters, May, 2012

Dear Precious Girls,

As I write this we’re on our third flight coming home from Sri Lanka, through Mumbai and Amsterdam.  Too much time to think.  Feeling out of sync with time changes, and nostalgic, and ready to sleep in my own bed and be in a normal summer routine that includes Minnesota lakes and green grass.

In this season, traveling to exotic places, experiencing the humidity and dust of ancient cultures, the taste of unusual spices and the the smell of incense and poverty, I am grateful.  But I also long for home and the simplicity of summer days when you both were little.

Playing Monopoly and hopscotch on the driveway, picking strawberries, and making water balloons, and walking to the library as we were serenaded by cicadas.  Creating forts and reading Betsy, Tacy, and Tib aloud on hot summer afternoons that we savored like melting popsicles, slurping up the goodness of the day.

I think in contrast, of this season of your life now, as young professional women living in D.C. where you have a vibrant faith community, stimulating dialog about important ideas, and the opportunity to experience Supreme Court arguments, Embassy receptions, and White House fireworks.  A good, good season.

I want you to savor every moment, drink up every drop.  To choose life in all its fullness.

This is the season of your life when you’ll set courageous goals and experience lovely victories and maybe fall flat on your face some too.  You’ll nurture friendships, look to wise mentors, and invest in causes that are deeply meaningful.

It’s the season when you get to ask yourself,  “What story do I want to be able to tell in fifteen years?”

Will it matter what Netflix you binged on, or that you had the courage to stand up for what’s right, or learned the name of the homeless guy on your corner, or invited that lonely person to church? What will you remember? What will make a difference? What will grow your character?

In this season I pray you’ll pause, not only to acknowledge the good gifts, but also the Gift Giver.  Yeah, I know there are rough days with job stress, and not enough money, and bad hair days, and questions about what’s next and where, but still…

I may be tempted to look back with longing, and you to look forward with longing, but meanwhile there’s today.  Gregory Boyle quotes Thich Nhat Hahn saying “our true home is the present moment.”

The Desert Fathers would repeat one word over and over.  Not “Jesus” or “Love”, but the word, “today”.  It reminded them where they needed to be.

So today, where you are, and where I am, let’s just choose life and thanksgiving in the present.  God is good.  We get to sing “Great is Thy Faithfulness” in every season. May He write an inspiring paragraph through your life today.

And when you come home this summer for a visit, let’s be sure to play Monopoly and go to Dairy Queen.

love,

Mama

What are you praying for your children? Let me know in the comments and I’ll join you in prayer.

2 Guiding Principles for Tough Seasons of Leading and Being Led

February 28, 2022 /

“Leadership is a series of hard conversations.” Yikes. A friend of ours said this to us years ago, and it has proven to be uncomfortably true.

Sometimes we’re on the initiating end of the hard conversation, sometimes on the receiving end. Many times both.

In ministry leadership, we invest maybe more deeply than other arenas, and get hurt more profoundly…

Maybe it’s because of our perceptions of what love should look like – all grace no truth.

Maybe it’s because we feel a deeper connection to each other in the Body of Christ, and therefore have a deeper sense of betrayal when we’re on the receiving end of criticism or rejection.

Maybe it’s because we’re all so, so human and as hard as we try, We. All. Mess. Up.

Can I suggest two principles as we all walk through leadership challenges and hard conversations in different contexts? I share these because they are what I am preaching to myself!

1. Expect the best of others.

Love…Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1 Cor. 13:7 MSG

We all create narratives to explain our actions and those of others, right? So, what’s the story I’m telling myself and others to interpret this event? Sadly, when I stop to ask myself this question, the truth of Steven Covey’s quote is often evident.

“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”

Steven covey

Years ago we had a close friend who was the founding pastor of a church that he had poured his life into. He discerned that he had taken the church as far as it could go.

This pastor knew he needed to move on, and so did the faith community, but after he announced his leaving, he discovered an HR situation on staff that was confidential and potentially very divisive. He quietly withdrew his resignation in order to deal with the situation and not leave the mess for the pastor who would follow him.

He didn’t tell people why he changed his mind because it would be embarrassing for the others involved. People heaped on criticism. Why was he being wishy-washy? Why couldn’t he let go? He silently took the unwarranted taunts and fixed the problem before retiring, leaving a healthier culture for his successor.

When we are critical of a leader, we need to ask, “How would I want people to interpret this if I was in their shoes?”

We need to be humble enough to admit there may be circumstances we’re not aware of that can’t be made public.

We need to be teachable enough to question for better understanding.

2. Speak the truth in love directly and do not gossip…

…even though that makes us feel oh so superior. (I may say this from first-hand experience. Ahem)  Matthew 18:15 exhorts us to go directly to a person with our concerns.

God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do.

Ephesians 4:15-16 MSG

Recently, we have experienced hard truth from some folks who also communicate “I’m for you. I’m sharing this with you because I care.” We are grateful. The most helpful are those who have spoken hard truth in love and also have said, “I’ve been in a similar situation. I know firsthand how hard this is.” 

But then, unfortunately there are those people who speak the “truth” with an attitude of self-righteous anger or divisiveness.

Being a leader isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes an identity firmly rooted in the security of being God’s beloved no matter how many times you mess up.

Leadership takes courage that can only come from God.

It takes courage to do what is unpopular.

It takes courage to admit when you are wrong.

It takes courage to persevere when you’ve messed up.

Leadership is a series of hard conversations. Can we agree we’re in this together, doing our best to follow Jesus, extending both grace and truth in love?

The Lord upholds all who fall
    and lifts up all who are bowed down.

Psalm 145:14 NIV

What about you?

  • Has a leader hurt you?
  • Have you experienced truth-telling in a healthy way or have you experienced being judged harshly from a distance?
  • Have you criticized a leader and learned later there were factors you were unaware of?

4 Things to Consider When Friends Love Jesus, but Don’t Agree With You

August 24, 2021 /

It was a gorgeous summer morning in Minneapolis and I decided to get in an early bike ride before it was too hot. If you haven’t had the privilege of visiting here, let me say that we have lakes. Lots of them. AND we have more dedicated bike trails than any other city in the U. S.

The lake I was riding around has a oneway bike trail which I had been following, but detoured along a street away from the lake. To get back to where I needed to go was complicated. The street was very narrow with no gutter so I didn’t feel comfortable there and veered up onto an empty sidewalk (not the bike trail because I was going the wrong way) thinking I could just ride a few feet to get back where I needed to be.

“IT’S ILLEGAL TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK!” yelled a man walking a dog (who was not on the sidewalk where I was). “IT’S ILLEGAL TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK!” he yelled again.

You know what I did? I started crying. (ok, I just got really teary, but still…)

“Why are you telling this ridiculous sidewalk story?” you may be asking.

That’s why. In this season when everyone seems to be offended by everything, we need more compassionate curiosity than self-righteous judgment.

Sidewalk biking is a small thing, but all of us are dealing with much bigger issues, like Covid vaccinations and masking, where we’re tempted to feel self-righteous and judgmental.

This. Is. So. Hard. When people who love Jesus come to different conclusions about the best course of action, how do we handle it?

I am unapologetically in favor of getting vaccinated for Covid and masking where called for. I am guided by the biblical mandate to love others by protecting the most vulnerable, prioritizing the common good over my individual rights or desires, and stewarding the medical resources God has graciously given us.

But I’ve been in conversations with friends and family who don’t agree with me. They have a variety of reasons for coming to different conclusions. So, unlike the stranger yelling at me on the sidewalk, how can we navigate the dynamics of these relationships in ways that honor God and others made in His image?

1. Acknowledge that we are all “Extra Grace Required” (EGR) people in this season.

We have been through a lot. We’re carrying the losses of the past year and a half, like a wounded soldier with PTSD carrying his buddy out of a combat zone. We’re wary and defensive. We need people to be gentle with us, as we need to be gentle with them. We’re all doing our best.

2. Prioritize a posture of compassionate curiosity.

When we look at Jesus, He asked questions much of the time (and He really DID know all of the right answers!). When we have the humility to be genuinely interested in what has informed someone’s decisions, we may still not come to agree with them, but we may come to a place of greater respect or understanding of a different point of view. If we want people to listen to us, we need to listen to them.

Questions open dialog and make influence possible. Consider asking:

  • Could you help me understand what led you to your position on this?
  • It’s clear you have a lot of emotion around this issue. What have you experienced that triggers this intensity?
  • What would you like me to know that I may misunderstand?
  • Are you open to hearing how I came to my position on this?

3. Look for common ground.

My brother and I disagree about getting vaccinated, and have different standards for masking. Earlier this summer I talked to him in person to try to better understand his position. Before we talked, he prayed for us, a reminder that the most important thing we have in common is a love for Jesus and each other.

We need to affirm each other’s willingness to have hard conversations, to show up, to be vulnerable.

Coming away from our conversation, I still don’t agree with his stance, but I better understand. I also better understand the relational pain he’s experienced in our family as a result of his choices and the way we’ve communicated.

4. Have good boundaries.

All this said, Covid is a life and death issue and our choices have worldwide consequences. I firmly believe that Jesus would have us pursue the qualities listed above, balancing grace and truth, but there are also times when we need to draw a line and say that it may not be healthy for us to continue to talk about this, or spend time together.

You might end up saying, “I’m sorry, but I will not spend time indoors with you because the choices you’re making feel unsafe, but I’d be happy to meet you outdoors. I love you and I want to find ways to prioritize our ongoing relationship.”

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.” 

2 Timothy 2:15-16

I am the first to say, “I really struggle with this and get it wrong so often!” I offer these thoughts as a fellow traveler, acknowledging we’re all doing our best (even mean yelling dog-walker guy who may have had sidewalk trauma in his past 🙂

I don’t think this is the best place to debate the issue of vaccines, but I would love to hear of your experience discussing hard issues and what you’ve learned in the comments.

If you receive this in email, just click on the title and scroll down to leave a comment. If this is your first or second time commenting, I have to approve it, so don’t lose heart if you don’t see it immediately.

Choosing Life in the Midst of Death

July 17, 2021 /

Today is the 6 year anniversary of the last day we shared with my precious brother on this earth. He died too young and we miss him terribly. I share this repost in the hopes that it will encourage those of you, in particular, who have dealt with loss this year.

IMG_0638

Dear Baby David,

It’s a lilac-blooming, cut-grass wafting, bike-riding spring season here. Life is bursting out everywhere.

Today is your birthday. It’s also Mother’s Day – a cruel irony for Mom.

A year ago you were in the midst of the fight for your earthly life. And then in two months it was over.

You’ve been gone from our sight since July 18th, but you continue to show up when I see a mischievous grin, or an arms-open-wide welcome, the painting of a fly-fisherman, a dad playing ball with his kids, a question that is asked in order to take a faith conversation beyond the surface…

It’s still hard to comprehend that you are not physically here with us. As the year progresses, we link arms as a family, stumbling together through the holidays and everydays. The thing we share is our steadfast love of you and each other. But we each grieve and process in different ways. We’re trying to listen deeply to each other.

I think when someone we crazy-love dies (husband, dad, brother, son) the biggest challenge is continuing to choose Life.

First of all, we just. don’t. WANT. to. We want to wake up and have you grilling on the patio like you should be. We don’t want to let you go – as if we could, by sheer will pull you back in like a kite that has been taken out of sight by the wind.

Also, it feels somehow that letting go and envisioning a new life without you in it is wrong…a betrayal. Like doing that somehow negates our love and devotion to you…How can we possibly continue without a vital, beloved piece of our lives?

But here’s the thing that helps me. In the everyday ordinary stuff and even as you were dying, you chose Life.

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You chose Life first and foremost because you chose Jesus, affirming that He loves and forgives us, and as you always said, “He’s the good Author of our story.”

And then you chose life by seeing the image of Jesus in others, and serving those who felt like their life was over, and by laughing easily at yourself, and by your delight in His creation.

So we continue to choose Life even in the midst of death.

Susan is both devastated and courageous.

The tension between acceptance and the temptation to be stuck wallowing forever is real, but she has taken monumental steps in choosing Life.

She can be brave because you affirmed every day that she is capable of doing hard things. You would be so proud of her just as we are.

  • She does the hard dance of stretching herself, but knows when she needs to withdraw and rest with Jesus.
  • Her faith remains authentic and vibrant, but she hasn’t been able to go back to church without you and she knows that’s ok in this season.
  • She goes back into cancer wards with Sophia the wonder dog to bring comfort in painful situations she is all too familiar with.
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  • She organized Team Dave Strong and Courageous to raise money for Melanoma research.
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  • She is painting the downstairs a lighter color to lighten her mood.
  • She put together the Dave Johansen Memorial Leadership Lending Library at your office, so you are continuing to mentor others even in your absence.
  • She seeks grief support and community, but isn’t afraid to say what is helpful and what isn’t, what’s too soon, what’s uncomfortable, and what works. She recently has connected with a group of young widows started by another person YOU influenced with your life.
  • And she continues to seek glimpses of the Eternal. This was what she posted yesterday.
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Loss hurts, but love wins when we continue to choose Life. You probably already know all this, but we’re trying down here. We’re really trying.

love,

Your “Sweet sis”

A Story to Rescue Your Monday from Despair

July 20, 2020 /

We’re in the middle of a pandemic, political division, racism, unemployment challenges, questions about what’s going to happen with our kids when school starts, and it’s Monday morning.

You may have had a stellar weekend picnicking in the sun, biking, going to “the lake”, but now it’s Monday in all its Mondayness.  And the week stretches out in front of you like a flat road across the barren pan-handle of Oklahoma.

Before you buckle down for multiple Zoom calls, or start washing sandy clothes from the weekend, read on.  It may make you feel better about your day.

Awhile ago I was listening to the radio and a woman called in with an experience that was, um…unbelievable. Except that it really happened.

The caller had been on a road trip with her friend. They stopped to get gas and go to the bathroom. The woman went into the stall, and sat down.  She put her keys on her lap, at which point the keys slid into the toilet.

The toilet was the auto-flush kind so she was afraid to stand up for fear her keys would be washed down the toilet.  

Panicky, she was able to reach her cell phone and call her friend who was outside filling the car with gas.

The friend came into the bathroom, and although she was a large woman, she squeezed under the stall door.

She knelt and (unbelievably) reached under her friend, into the toilet for the keys.  I know, I know…so many questions!  

(At this point I could spiritualize this and quote Proverbs 18:24 “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is friend who sticks closer than a brother.”, but really?)

As I was listening to the story, I thought, “How could this get any worse?!”

It did.

The radio caller, on the toilet, had a gag reflex to the whole situation at that point, and threw up on her friend’s head as she kneeled in front of her trying to rescue the keys!  (Aren’t you glad I haven’t provided “art” here?)

Attitude is all in our perspective, right?

I share this because it’s Monday, and maybe we can all start the week thanking God that no one has thrown up on our head.  Yet.

And may we all have friends as devoted as this caller’s.

What helps you keep life in perspective? When has a friend rescued you and made your day?

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