4 Things to Consider When Friends Love Jesus, but Don’t Agree With You

It was a gorgeous summer morning in Minneapolis and I decided to get in an early bike ride before it was too hot. If you haven’t had the privilege of visiting here, let me say that we have lakes. Lots of them. AND we have more dedicated bike trails than any other city in the U. S.

The lake I was riding around has a oneway bike trail which I had been following, but detoured along a street away from the lake. To get back to where I needed to go was complicated. The street was very narrow with no gutter so I didn’t feel comfortable there and veered up onto an empty sidewalk (not the bike trail because I was going the wrong way) thinking I could just ride a few feet to get back where I needed to be.

“IT’S ILLEGAL TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK!” yelled a man walking a dog (who was not on the sidewalk where I was). “IT’S ILLEGAL TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK!” he yelled again.

You know what I did? I started crying. (ok, I just got really teary, but still…)

“Why are you telling this ridiculous sidewalk story?” you may be asking.

That’s why. In this season when everyone seems to be offended by everything, we need more compassionate curiosity than self-righteous judgment.

Sidewalk biking is a small thing, but all of us are dealing with much bigger issues, like Covid vaccinations and masking, where we’re tempted to feel self-righteous and judgmental.

This. Is. So. Hard. When people who love Jesus come to different conclusions about the best course of action, how do we handle it?

I am unapologetically in favor of getting vaccinated for Covid and masking where called for. I am guided by the biblical mandate to love others by protecting the most vulnerable, prioritizing the common good over my individual rights or desires, and stewarding the medical resources God has graciously given us.

But I’ve been in conversations with friends and family who don’t agree with me. They have a variety of reasons for coming to different conclusions. So, unlike the stranger yelling at me on the sidewalk, how can we navigate the dynamics of these relationships in ways that honor God and others made in His image?

1. Acknowledge that we are all “Extra Grace Required” (EGR) people in this season.

We have been through a lot. We’re carrying the losses of the past year and a half, like a wounded soldier with PTSD carrying his buddy out of a combat zone. We’re wary and defensive. We need people to be gentle with us, as we need to be gentle with them. We’re all doing our best.

2. Prioritize a posture of compassionate curiosity.

When we look at Jesus, He asked questions much of the time (and He really DID know all of the right answers!). When we have the humility to be genuinely interested in what has informed someone’s decisions, we may still not come to agree with them, but we may come to a place of greater respect or understanding of a different point of view. If we want people to listen to us, we need to listen to them.

Questions open dialog and make influence possible. Consider asking:

• Could you help me understand what led you to your position on this?

• It’s clear you have a lot of emotion around this issue. What have you experienced that triggers this intensity?

• What would you like me to know that I may misunderstand?

• Are you open to hearing how I came to my position on this?

3. Look for common ground.

My brother and I disagree about getting vaccinated, and have different standards for masking. Earlier this summer I talked to him in person to try to better understand his position. Before we talked, he prayed for us, a reminder that the most important thing we have in common is a love for Jesus and each other.

We need to affirm each other’s willingness to have hard conversations, to show up, to be vulnerable.

Coming away from our conversation, I still don’t agree with his stance, but I better understand. I also better understand the relational pain he’s experienced in our family as a result of his choices and the way we’ve communicated.

4. Have good boundaries.

All this said, Covid is a life and death issue and our choices have worldwide consequences. I firmly believe that Jesus would have us pursue the qualities listed above, balancing grace and truth, but there are also times when we need to draw a line and say that it may not be healthy for us to continue to talk about this, or spend time together.

You might end up saying, “I’m sorry, but I will not spend time indoors with you because the choices you’re making feel unsafe, but I’d be happy to meet you outdoors. I love you and I want to find ways to prioritize our ongoing relationship.”

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.” 

2 Timothy 2:15-16

I am the first to say, “I really struggle with this and get it wrong so often!” I offer these thoughts as a fellow traveler, acknowledging we’re all doing our best (even mean yelling dog-walker guy who may have had sidewalk trauma in his past 🙂

I don’t think this is the best place to debate the issue of vaccines, but I would love to hear of your experience discussing hard issues and what you’ve learned in the comments.

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