3 Helps When You’re Grieving But No One is Dead

Late in the middle of a steamy July night, heat lightning pulses intermittently, illuminating the dark corners of my brother’s large, hundred-year-old home. In the family room he lies in hospice and finally takes his last breath with my sister-in-law nearby.

When someone dies, we grieve. We are sometimes confused, lonely. We have trouble figuring out a “new normal”. Tears will spring to our eyes, triggered by something random and unexpected. We lack the energy to do…anything.

Fast forward four years…

My husband John and I turn off our GPS guide and pull into a parking place at a new church in a new neighborhood – new to us at least.

We are blasted by the summer heat as we open the doors of our car. We’re early. Uncomfortably early, like the awkward teen arriving first to a pool party. We slowly look around for a main entrance to the sanctuary.

People who look very different from us are chatting with each other. We know no one. As the only caucasians, it’s a little obvious we are visitors. We are warmly greeted by friendly African Americans who try to make us feel at home.

After an hour and a half of hand-clapping, body-swaying gospel music and a message, we sneak out early in order to make it on time to a reservation we made.

We’re grateful for so many things. To be able to worship anywhere we want. To not have the responsibility of leadership. To feel welcome.

We are thankful, but we are also grieving. Grieving the loss of consistent, life-giving worship and community at the church we left after serving for 30 years.

Maybe you can relate to one of these situations. No one has died, but you’re grieving. You’ve:

• Moved to a new house – cross country, or across town
• Just had your first baby
• Gotten a divorce
• Sent your first child off to kindergarten or your last off to college
• Started a new job or lost an old job

You miss old comforts. You are sometimes confused, lonely. You have trouble figuring out a “new normal”. Tears will spring to your eyes, triggered by something random and unexpected. You lack energy to initiate new things.

Change may be by our choice, or not, but to step into something new you need to let go of something old, and that involves loss…grief.

There are many books written about the grieving process when someone dies. But lately I’ve been thinking about how some of the same insights and encouragement apply to those of us experiencing the loss that comes with change.

Some of the same things that help when we’re grieving the death of a person, may help when we’re grieving the loss of a season. These 3 things may help:

1. Lean into your people.

Some relationships may change, but call that friend who knows you best and listens well. Be honest and vulnerable. Risk asking for help. It’s hard to be the “needy one”, but let others serve you. Accept the meal or the babysitting.

2. Be gentle with yourself. This one is especially hard for me. I’m impatient to make something happen, to jump into a clearly defined new rhythm. I want to DO SOMETHING, but sometimes God wants me to enjoy a snack and a nap like Elijah before his next assignment (1 Kings 19:5-9)

I saved a newspaper article from years ago about a study that was done on the effects of change – even change like moving a few blocks in the same town. It showed that our stress levels go up, and our immune system is compromised, and we’re more prone to accidents. So take a nap, or get a massage and don’t feel guilty.

3. Pray. Journal your feelings and your gratitude.

Especially when we’re going through a time of transition, we can feel thrown off balance. There are new choices to make. We’re not sure where our solid ground is.

I waited and waited and waited for God.
    At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
    pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
    to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
    a praise-song to our God.

Psalm 40:1-3 msg

We need to process our feelings and new experiences with the Lord. Ask Him to give you perspective and discernment. Thank Him for the places You see Him providing. Ask, not just “What have I lost?”, but “What does this make possible?” (I think I heard this question first from Emily P. Freeman)

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?”

romans 8:15

What change or transition are you experiencing in your life?

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