“Leadership is a series of hard conversations.” Yikes. A friend of ours said this to us years ago, and it has proven to be uncomfortably true.
Sometimes we’re on the initiating end of the hard conversation, sometimes on the receiving end. Many times both.
In ministry leadership, we invest maybe more deeply than other arenas, and get hurt more profoundly…
Maybe it’s because of our perceptions of what love should look like – all grace no truth.
Maybe it’s because we feel a deeper connection to each other in the Body of Christ, and therefore have a deeper sense of betrayal when we’re on the receiving end of criticism or rejection.
Maybe it’s because we’re all so, so human and as hard as we try, We. All. Mess. Up.
Can I suggest two principles as we all walk through leadership challenges and hard conversations in different contexts? I share these because they are what I am preaching to myself!
1. Expect the best of others.
Love…Always looks for the best,
1 Cor. 13:7 MSG
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
We all create narratives to explain our actions and those of others, right? So, what’s the story I’m telling myself and others to interpret this event? Sadly, when I stop to ask myself this question, the truth of Steven Covey’s quote is often evident.
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”
Steven covey
Years ago we had a close friend who was the founding pastor of a church that he had poured his life into. He discerned that he had taken the church as far as it could go.
This pastor knew he needed to move on, and so did the faith community, but after he announced his leaving, he discovered an HR situation on staff that was confidential and potentially very divisive. He quietly withdrew his resignation in order to deal with the situation and not leave the mess for the pastor who would follow him.
He didn’t tell people why he changed his mind because it would be embarrassing for the others involved. People heaped on criticism. Why was he being wishy-washy? Why couldn’t he let go? He silently took the unwarranted taunts and fixed the problem before retiring, leaving a healthier culture for his successor.
When we are critical of a leader, we need to ask, “How would I want people to interpret this if I was in their shoes?”
We need to be humble enough to admit there may be circumstances we’re not aware of that can’t be made public.
We need to be teachable enough to question for better understanding.
2. Speak the truth in love directly and do not gossip…
…even though that makes us feel oh so superior. (I may say this from first-hand experience. Ahem) Matthew 18:15 exhorts us to go directly to a person with our concerns.
God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do.
Ephesians 4:15-16 MSG
Recently, we have experienced hard truth from some folks who also communicate “I’m for you. I’m sharing this with you because I care.” We are grateful. The most helpful are those who have spoken hard truth in love and also have said, “I’ve been in a similar situation. I know firsthand how hard this is.”
But then, unfortunately there are those people who speak the “truth” with an attitude of self-righteous anger or divisiveness.
Being a leader isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes an identity firmly rooted in the security of being God’s beloved no matter how many times you mess up.
Leadership takes courage that can only come from God.
It takes courage to do what is unpopular.
It takes courage to admit when you are wrong.
It takes courage to persevere when you’ve messed up.
Leadership is a series of hard conversations. Can we agree we’re in this together, doing our best to follow Jesus, extending both grace and truth in love?
The Lord upholds all who fall
Psalm 145:14 NIV
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
What about you?
- Has a leader hurt you?
- Have you experienced truth-telling in a healthy way or have you experienced being judged harshly from a distance?
- Have you criticized a leader and learned later there were factors you were unaware of?
Laura – this post really spoke to me and thank you for sharing. Funny how messages come sometimes with impeccable timing. Sending hugs to you and John.
So glad it felt relevant! Hope you’re doing well! Hugs back to you and Dave!